Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

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Episode Quote
197 "I'm against killing time as I have been since I read The Phantom Tollbooth and that dog said don't do it."
190 "Children aren't interesting until they're gay."
190 "That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."
186 "I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."
181 "Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."
181 "The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."
180 "None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."
179 "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."
178 "My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"
177 "The ice cream around it is sort of a suspension, like a vase that holds flowers"
177 "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."
176 "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."
174 "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."
174 (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."
174 "Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy. Ugh."
174 "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

170 "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."
169 “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”
165 "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."
164 "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."
155 "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."
152 "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."
152 (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"
151 "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."
151 "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"
151 "We've been tricked, Jerry."
150 "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."
150 "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."
147 "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"
146 "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."
146 "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."
145 "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."
144 "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."
144 "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."
144 "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."
144 "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"
144 "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"
143 "I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."
142 "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

140 "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”
138 "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."
137 "If the Cowardly Lion were on RuPaul’s Drag Race so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"
135 Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."
135 @_andrewjohnston tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [1]
135 "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."
131 "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."
131 "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"
131 Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."
131 "Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."
128 Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reorganization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. I think AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."
127 "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"
123 "Those salads caused AIDS."
122 "Ladies when Tom Waitts dies he’s going to be buried in a graveyard and you are going to want to hang out during the day to meet the cool dudes that visit his gravestone to leave their journals."
121 On the discipline of writing "You have to fall through the floor before the walls cave in. It’s a timing issue."
97 "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"
96 "I keep a clean home!"
96 "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing Eating Raoul"
95 Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."
83 "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."
74 "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)
30 Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."
30 "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."
30 Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."
20 "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"
19 "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."
19 "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."
18 "Manatees are too good for Florida."
15 "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."
11 "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."
10 "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."
2 "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."
2 "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."
"All dogs is good dogs."
"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"
"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."
"Will network television ever crack men?"
Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"
"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"
"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"
Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!
"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."
"Where did Nazis find the time?"
"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"
"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"
"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."
"All of 'Rent' is a little much."
Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."
"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."
"What's Molly?"
"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"
"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."