Episode 40: "Twittertudes"
Dec 9, 2011
Origin of the episode title
Julie says she would like to see Kristen Schaal host a show called "Twittertudes," which, you already know the premise if you think about it for like a second. So it's that, but also Schaal would wear a long blazer and no pants.
On this week's episode of How Was Your Week, the hilarious and adorable KRISTEN SCHAAL joins Julie to discuss the best and worst Christmas gifts she's ever received, her hatred of high-heeled shoes, and the hazards of tweeting about our president after drinking a martini.
Then, the gorgeous comic actress ARI GRAYNOR talks about her new film, The Sitter, what it's like to be typecast as "the girl who receives oral sex in the first scene of things," getting brutal notes from Woody Allen, and how Barbra Streisand makes an entrance on set.
Also, Julie relays a disconcerting, perhaps too-long story about an idiot in a dog park who didn't understand what Basset Hounds are really about, reveals the size of Spanx she wears, explains why she's fun to have at a party, and joyfully relays Spoony's Boardwalk Empire recaps for your pleasure.
- Julie opens the episode a rendition of "All I Want For Christmas Is You"/"All I Want For Dinner Is Stew" and it's amazing.
- The people who deserve to die are: war criminals and people who tweet Julie when she tweets about not being able to sleep.
Download the Episode
Monologue Transcript== **Pending**
[Julie singing to the tune of “All I want for Christmas”] Make my wish come true. Baby all I want for Christmas is youuuuuu. Ooooo. All I want for dinnerrrrrr issssssssss stew
Thank you, thank you very much. Hello everybody. Julie Klausner here for another episode of How Was Your Week. That was Mar--- How is that not? Thank you, please stop applauding, it’s a podcast, no one can hear you.
I am always agog or a-gasped or both as to uh How was that not..How was that not written by WHAM! ? that that song… that lovely tune..made popular by Maria Corey
I am in, you know what I’m in, frankly, a Holidaze…D-A-Z-E bec--Are you like me? Are you tearing out your hair, in a matter not unlike a mentally ill person? Around this time of year. Right? Is this stressful or is this stressful?
I feel like in my head. It’s. As I speak to you now it’s December 8th, Thursday night, as your listening now it’s December 9th but it may as well be next year already. Where did December go? It’s still here, but in our heads, it’s OVER. Because we pack things in. and then OH!
So this week is been busy for me, and this next week I think is also gonna be busy in terms of work.. then it will be NOTHING! Everyone will be gone. It will just be, the only thing you’ll be able to hear instead of your blood charging your ears. Charging? Rushing..your ears? Which is a normal stress response, I’ve decided to tell myself. Uh all you’ll be able to hear in a couple of weeks are the echoes of your own loneliness. OR your family’s criticism. That’s MY take on the HoliD-A-Z-E. But it is sort of suddenly Christmas. Now also I have so many emails..did..is this like new that I guess maybe Black Friday..I’ve never gotten so many emails from, YES from SPANX, SPANX.COM has my, they have my number, as-as-as it said. What do I wear in a Spanx? I wear like a two. Um but they also have my email. I’ve gotten more solisitis.
Also I guess it’s the beginning of the month so you get like “Hey everybody I’m doing shows this month.” [Julie stuttering] Not that I haven’t invited people to shows and I have deluged them in my past. In fact, when I repent, uh that’ll be a new fun feature on the show, “when I repent.. I will…” let’s just…of the things that I regret, it’s like over-plugging my Improv shows in my 20s. and if you’re listening and I sent you those emails from my old AOL, I really, I am truly sorry. If it’s..if it’s of any comfort, I beat myself up over it everyday.
I have been weeding through a lot of those things, and then I’ve also been uh working at home on a couple of writing things and when I’m not doing that I take these uh walks, like ANGRY walks, and then at a certain point I become less angry around ooooo I’d say like when I’m doubling back.. I guess like 45 minutes in? I just have like a natural anger level of like.. I’m gonna go back to 2 if we’re going on the SPANX scale. Which I appreciate it being very Tetris-y, if you look at the back of stockings package you could say “oh this is where I am” and it’s completely normal.
You know what this anger I speak of. First of all, Yes, it is legitimate rage. Because W-W-Woman is the N-word of the world, and I believe that in my heart. And as, again, I’m saying this on December 8th which I guess is the anniversary of both—According to Twitter—It’s the anniversary of both John Lennon’s death and Jim Morrison’s birth which is, first of all, way more classic rock trivia than I am physically able to process. But also, a reminder, that women are garbage. And of course I’m angry about it! But that’s not---it really has to do more with oh get out of the house and have some balance, and the sun sets at like 2pm.
So anyway, I’m on this angry walk, Sunday, and I usually end up at uhh a park, we’ll say, near me, near where I live, and I go about my business. And there’s a dog park there, obviously, and I’ll just sort of like lean on the fence and watch the dogs---in a---I don’t think it’s a pervy way—I think it’s like a nice kinda thing to do. Cause I enjoy them. I enjoy watching the dogs. And and then you know also, that’s also the thing where I peak, and then then like I’m no longer angry and it’s healthy and III am fine with it and you should be too.
So I was there on Sunday, I was watching the dogs and there happened to have been a-a beautiful Basset, like a very very fit uh gentleman, who um was ac--remarkably active uh he was chasing other dogs, he was running back and forth, his ears were going to and they were also going fro, and I was…oh and then like a dog would jump over the fence to get into an area and The Basset would howl at it as though it were using..it was pretty unfairly using his advantage to do exactly that and then the other dog would come back and I would say “this is terrific”. This is better than the The Descendants, first of all, and many other motion pictures for which I’ve paid good money and also I-I told you about my screeners, (deep oh) ohhh my precious precious, if you want my screener of The Descendants, it’s yours, this is not even a contest because, you LOSE, you know what I mean. So
I’m watching the dogs and I’m slowly beginning to thaw out from the week. I don’t want to get into it with you because it’s boring but and just I had a lot more work to do than I had exp—I was sort of feeling like “oh I made my deadline, it’s all you know, it’s just easy sailing" and then I was on like Willy Wonka’s tunnel boat, where there’s eyeballs, and you know what the boat, it was not a fun boat, it wasn’t like the boat Cher sang out and and the sailors..those were not..although that’s funny that like—Cher chose the one boat, those sailors were NOT interested in raping her. Of any. Anyway. So I am at this dog run as I mentioned, beginning to slowly thaw out from the stressful weekend and week that I’ve had writing even though I thought that it’s done and it’s totally not and I’m beginning to feel really good, I’m watching this gorgeous basset hound, and ok so this guy comes by, just stands right next to me, and he’s with a woman, and they’re clearly on a date, and like not—they’re not comfortable yet, so I guess it was a new date. [7:21]
And the guy was saying things about the dogs, in order to impress his date. He was like trying to impress this woman with uh Tidbits. Trivia. Knowledge. Facts. Um about breeds of dogs that he had learned from..um well frankly, you know that he had learned from um a tablet of lies because he knew NOTHING about dogs. It was like a real Marshall McLuhan scene in Annie Hall…except that I didn’t, I wasn’t invested enough to tell him he knew nothing of… frankly, God’s work.
So this guy is standing next to me. I’m enjoying watching this beautiful basset hound, and he says to this woman, he says “Oh. Boxers make me laugh.” First of all, thank you very much sir. And then there’s this Boxer who was very cute and he had this like dopey tongue like there are some dogs that can’t put their tongues in their mouths, or, they just like at rest, their tongues are just kind of out. and it’s really cute. So they had noticed that, and he laughed a little too loud loud. And said to the dog, but like for the benefit of the woman he was with, he goes “Hey buddy…. your tongue’s supposed to go INSIDE your face.” Oh was that embarrassing.
If I were a dog I would have just ripped his face off, chimp style. I would have gone Charla Nash on him. So that was the first thing that just was irritating. Also, I can’t emphasize enough, he was right next to me. He must have been an inch away. And there was plenty of room on either side of the Angry Walking Girl. So the girl that he is on a date with is-is just kind of smiling and nodding as, was her, as she was tasked to do. I mean I guess he was an OK looking guy, and God knows, Ladies, I do not envy, there is not a lot of good guys. Am I? I don’t mean to be like “Oh there’s a man drought! I’m gonna write a trend piece!” but like..there really is a disparity of like, I mean you put up with a lot, is what I’m saying.
So I’m like alright, this girl’s, you know, just trying to make the best of it, this guy’s decent looking, but you know he really is just a schmuck in so many ways. So then, he goes after he gives his opinion about Boxers, he sees the Basset Hound--- he sees my pride and joy bounding back and forth, lust for life, Perfect 10, this dog is like absolutely, a, you know, just a-just-a beautiful, beautiful dog..and HE SAYS to his date, this moron, he says “Oh check out the Bassett Hound. Bassett Hounds are infamous for being dumb"
[10:00] [noises of shock and flabbergast emitted by Julie, followed by stuttering] I mean….I just….still…..I am…..I just….I didn’t even….I couldn’t even…I mean what was I supposed to do And then he goes “they’re basically..they’re infamous for being dumb” which is a LIE, they’re stubborn, they’re not dumb dogs. There are some dumb dogs. And then he goes “they’re basically noses with ears.” OH, I HATED THIS GUY. If this guy is listening, first of all that’s super weird, second of all if I ever see you again, and I remember… You know those people that are like “I remember faces” and you’re like “Congratulations! You’re not autistic.” Or something like that. [laughs] That’s a fun. Here’s some holiday party tips….. say that a lot. Also get into arguments. And eat a lot of just like, wet things (soup, gravy).
So anyway, that guy SUCKED. [10:53]
It’s not like I can’t go back in time and say “oh, I should have said this”. I just remember being disgusted and offended. And it was as though I was overhearing somebody talking about, like a group of people. Oh like “redheads are…”---Patti Stang-aire, snake woman extraordinaire. Patti Stanger, by the way, was uh.. what a fucking liar. I saw her on Part 2 of the Reunion (of course I watched it). Her tits were up to her chin. And she was like. That---by the way—was not a low-cut dress and she managed to have neck cleavage. Which is frankly impressive. She just lies. Oh ”I never said redheads were freaks" I just said that "millionaires don’t pick them", and then I’m like “I need to be doing my work.” Other things I want to talk about from this week are, oh, Tracy Gold has a new show called “Starving Secrets.” It’s terrific. It’s the best show I’ve ever seen. Why isn’t everybody talking about this show? This show is so good. [12:00]
They follow two anorexics. By the way—based on, even though the title is “Starving Secrets"-- they don’t you know give you secrets for like, you know, getting down to that perfect 67 pounds, but there is um, you know it’s interesting because, yes I love watching atrocities, although I’m done with Toddlers and Tiaras, for now, I think. I think this ep--I was just like, you know what..Maybe it was Jerry Sandusky. Is that how you pronounce his name? He’s got a pair of bucky beaver teeth. You know what, it kind of makes me laugh. Starving Secrets with Tracy Gold, she follows two women with eating disorders. Maybe there are men in the future, I hope not. They follow the women through rehab. So it’s different than Intervention in that you don’t just see the before. Well I guess Intervention is like 90% before and then they’re like.. “oh we’ll just put some white text on black screens” just coursing, that music is incredible, and then they’ll be like “They’re fine!” or like “They’re dead!”
This is good. Because it shows the process. And it’s not like Celebrity Rehab. Although saying something’s good and not like Celebrity Rehab is not something that like, I’m not going to go on record and be like “this is why it’s good because it’s NOT like Celebrity..” because Celebrity Rehab was terrific in a lot of ways, and in a lot of ways one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Follows the process in exactly how hard it is to overcome an eating disorder. There were all these Jewish. OH god they were all so educated. Ladies, please, just let it jiggle. Like, if your, Patti Stangaire, you know what—push your tits up to your chin. Who gives a shit? Really. That’s my attitude toward body stuff more and more like “Who gives a shit?” or also like “it’s none of your business.” What’s below my face? Who cares. “So what? Who Cares?” So they’re showing Devora. And I was like by the way, “she’s not gonna make it”. Spoiler Alert: She’s doing better, Thank God, and I mean that in all seriousness. So they’re showing Devora how to measure cottage cheese and she’s having a panic attack and they’re like, they’re showing you “this is half a cup” “it is 2% instead of 1%” and she is losing her mind. I don’t know but this is good television to me.
The other thing I want to mention in terms of the holiday, oh just the distinctively bad Ghostbuster-ian. Ghosbusters-ian-vibes that are New York City around the you know, the like, the most wonderful time of the year in the sense of like it’s just crazy. And people have to. I would not go to midtown for a million dollars. [seductive voice] Maybe a million Euros. [/seductive voice] How do you guys like my [laughs] my political comedy routine? Do you think it’s, uh, cutting edge? I do, too. I had an experience the other day, I was going out..actually to interview ARI GRAYNOR, who is our first guest this week, who is OH is she delicious, so..I..so cute. Again, I am not a gay woman. But. III find her just to be oh what a just like a nectarine. So I was going out to interview her and it was raining the other day.
And I had to get a cab in the rain. There is nothing that is more unpleasant than that. And I finallllyyyy got one, and I gave him 2 cross streets in The West Village. That are none of your business. But they were like named streets, uh, they weren’t Horatio and Jane but I’ll say “Horatio and Jane.” And the cab driver said to me, and I’m like schlepping all my equipment (Don’t Worry, I’m doing fine. But I appreciate your cards and cottage cheese donations). So I get in the cab and I give him the cross streets and he said “Is that in Manhattan?”
and I said, ugh, you know what, now that I think about it I was kind of an asshole. [sighs] I said “Why don’t you look it up?” Alright. I know that’s rude. I know I shouldn’t have said that and I don’t need to be touchy, but I was waiting in the cab for a rain for a long time you guys. So I said: "'why don’t you look it up?..and then he said [laughs] and then he said [heavy NY accent] Why don’t you get another fucking cab?'"
[laughing] This is a real conversation.
This is like. This is like what people think New York is like: [16:00] [Thick NY Accent] "Why don’t you look it up? Why don’t you get another fucking cab." [/Thick NY Accent]
Then we just both broke down and I was like please be nice to me and he was like you be nice to me and I was like you’re right I’m sorry and then everything was fine and I tipped him like $10 or something. Oh I tipped him $10. What a great end of the story. [seductive voice] You know, the good news is I tipped him $10. [/seductive voice]
What a. Uh. The people who talk about money in general are really my most favorite people in the world, which is my favorite Barbara Streisand lyric. Speaking of Barbara Streisand---two guests on this week’s show---two Barbara Streisand anecdotes. That’s right. I don’t plan this stuff. It just happens organically.
Other things that happened this week:
Herman McCain [sp?] is now in the Rock’N Roll Hall of Fame and the GoGos are not. Which is bullshit. Our friend [John Ross Bowey ??]. pointed this out on Twitter.
Bull-shit. Why is Herman McCain in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame? Also, the thing about Herman Cane, I’m done clownin’ around. Is that he seems-- he looks like a person who has been, in our public consciousness forever. Like, Doesn’t he look like someone where you’re like, “Oh Yeah, it’s Herman McCain?” We’ve only known him for a few months and, yet, I’ve grown accustom to his face. Now he’s dead.
Occupy Broadway happened.
Oh my god. I gotta, I gotta read you guys this list. There was an event. I had to actually go to midtown last weekend to interview a lovely celebrity for Bust Magazine. OH! I meant---I interviewed Carrie Fisher, by the way, for the new Bust Magazine, which is, which I guess is on the stands now. But anyway that was really fun and please read that, and Carrie Fisher’s book is cray-cray. SO I was going to Midtown last weekend and I’ll tell you when that thing is out because it’s very exciting. But. While I was there.
Time Square was a zoo because there was something called “Occupy Broadway” scheduled. And III do not mean any disrespect for any of the acts that were there. I get. Look. I am completely in favor—as I mentioned in the past; Nobody hates a drum circle more than I do. But I am completely in favor of the Occupy Wall Street protestors, I hope it goes on forever. And I, what am I going to..support the bad guys? That said.
The lineup of this “Occupy Broadway” show, with the exception of our friend Mike Daisy, who uh is terrific, and for whom I have more respect than… frankly, most of the people I saw today on Madison on 31st. They looked like slobs.
You know, if you’re leaving the house, maybe, I don’t know, just, maybe just think about it.
SO he’s fine with me but the rest of the people on this list, oh, what a list. It’s like a shopping list of like I don’t want to say of “garbage people,”but just people that make you sigh. Like when you find out your son is into riding a unicycle now. You’re like [sigh]. So this is the schedule for “Occupy Broadway:”
Started with “Rude Mechanical Orchestra”. We’re already in the steampunk zone.