Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"

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August 8, 2014


David Rees

Origin of the episode title[edit]

What Tony Bennet thinks re: collaborating with Lady Gaga


Wonderful news! DAVID REES,host of GOING DEEP WITH DAVID REES, is here to talk to Julie about his awesome new show, and what making it entails, including interviewing grave diggers, dealing with filthy insects, watching a cadaver arm move when triggered, and how planes fly.

Also! Tony Bennett is collaborating with Lady Gaga, and is clearly confused and possibly being exploited, Satsumas and what they are, whether it's persuasive to mention the twin towers when negotiating your rent (it isn't), and exciting news about a woman's COLLEAGUE joining her soon at Pret a Manger!


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Episode Link


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Monologue Transcript[edit]

Hello. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

I like you have not recovered from The Kevin Spacey as Julia Louis-Dreyfus on Veep Entertainment Weekly cover. I really do like Entertainment Weekly quite a lot and I am thrilled they are still publishing in this day an age of print so and so. EW decided to give us all flesh eating human nightmares and put the visual equivalent of the Ebola virus in your eyes. They put Kevin Spacey dressed up like Selena Meyer and they had Julia Louis-Dreyfus dress up as Rachel Dratch’s old man character from SNL. That was horrible, just awful. Kevin Spacey was pursing his lips to the side like the Church Lady. More specifically he was doing an impression of what he understood in his mind a normal human would find humorous. Look, I have a sense of humor everybody. Freddy, Freddy. Is Freddy going to the Emmy’s?

I hope you had a nice week. I think I did. I don’t know. I’m confused about the Lady Gaga Tony Bennett collaboration because I’m pretty sure no party knows that it is happening. Tony Bennett is definitely confused. I feel like he thinks Rita Moreno is going through some stuff and picked him up from the home and decided to drive him around 30 Rock one morning. He is just out of it. For those of you who don’t know Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have decided to release an album together call Cheek to Cheek.

Lately I’m concerned about Lady Gaga. She’s dressing like someone’s cousin at a wedding, you know? She’s dressing like Aunt Gina. I’m concerned. I’m concerned that she’s letting straight people touch her honestly. She has a French bulldog now instead of Great Danes. I’ve become a Lady Gaga fan in the last 20 minutes, so I know these things. I like her. I know that Tony Bennett is an old man. He says crazy things in the interviews they have been doing together. He says, “Oh wow. What a great kid. She’s got such a great jazz voice. I just think she should sing jazz all the time. She’s such a natural. This kid has really got it. I love singing with her. We just go and sing. It’s jazz you know? The two of us make music together and it’s just a blast. You know, this kid, I say let’s do some Cole Porter. Let’s just lay down some tracks.” Then Lady Gaga will say, “I’m so honored. What a thrill to be working with Tony.” Then Natale Morales who is interviewing them will nod as if to say, “Ok this is a normal interaction.”

Then there’s a commercial about all of the processed foods they have decided can make you poop even though they are just made out of surplus corn. How do we turn refined carbohydrates that will last forever, they are preserved…We have a vendor that sells foil wrappers. Is there a permutation on a granola bar? What can we make that’s bad for people? They will eat too much of it and it will never go bad? We can sell it at CVS. It doesn’t need to be refrigerated. We don’t need to rent the real estate in the beverage area. Nature Valley Wafer Biscuits? Keep going, keep going. People like bars right? People like bars, our research has shown that people don’t like bars as much as they used to like them, but they still like bars. Ok, what about snack packs? People love snack packs and they use a lot of plastic and foil. Great even better, this is what I am thinking. We make a snack pack and say it’s 80 calories. We put two pretzels in it. The pretzels are made out of oats. Interesting, they are drizzled with yogurt. What kind of yogurt? I don’t know call it Greek yogurt, Greek yogurt drizzle. Fine, make it. Get a white couple to pose for the art. They are in a bucolic setting…

I don’t remember what I was talking about.

Oh, The Today Show and those interviews with BenGa. That’s what I am calling Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga. Those interviews they were doing didn’t make any sense. The people on The Today Show, talk about a poker face!

I am not sure if I should put this ‘Apparently’ kid into the RHHOF. This is something I have been wrestling with all week. I have spoken to my pastor about it, Pastor James L. Jazz. Do you know what the L is for? James L. Brooks, I don’t know. I am open to debate. Whoever started the How Was Your Wiki discussion link of the fruit ranking last week. Maybe open that up for discussion. I will read your comments and take them to heart. Should the ‘Apparently’ kid be in the RHHOF? When I first saw him I thought totally. But now, the internet, I hate to blow your mind but the internet kind of eats itself sometimes. We’re running out of headlines. We need Sonja Morgan’s homeless Irish intern who’s an ex-CEO expert to help us out and think of things to say besides, “This video is giving me life. This kid won the internet today. This kid is your new favorite thing ever.” Maybe one day we’ll find it out, the extreme, to the max ways of describing things people may or may not want to click on depending on how their days are going. Maybe one day we’ll come up with different words for that. But I’m not sure about that little kid. I know I hated that little girl at the end of the video, and I hated the woman interviewing him too. That video made me wonder if I should join the men’s rights activists—the MRA? Anything that sounds like MRA and NRA is probably bad.

Here’s the discussion on the top 30 fruits.

Mr. Hart said, “I waited for avocado. I’m still waiting for avocado.” Is avocado a fruit. I suppose it technically is but I don’t think of it that way, I think of it as a vegetable. “But Julie you put tomatoes in the top ten.” Yeah, yeah, of course. Tomatoes are fruit. I don’t know Mr. Hart. You have to think of things as other things. Sorry, avocado is a vegetable to me. Joan says , “I was surprised to see how low berries rank. I would be interested to know how Julie feels about Satsumas.” I have never heard of a Satsuma. Let me google this. Is this a dragon fruit? Satsumas—it’s a citrus. It appears to be a citrus. Satsuma oranges are a citrus fruit. I have never had one. Are they sweet? I like sweet. Also known as a cold hardy Mandarin, it’s fruit is sweet and usually seedless. Satusmas are about the size of other Mandarin oranges. It has thin leathery skin with large "large and prominent oil glands" (from the Satsuma wikipedia entry) Gross! I don’t want to think about fruit having oil glands. Ew! Ugh! Joan I appreciate the suggestion but based on the description of the fruit’s you know what’s I am not even going to try one ever.

Joe M. linked to a “dumb article about melons” it’s about honeydew. Personally I think pineapple is a shitty fruit but I guess I’m the weird one. You are weird Joe. That’s super weird. Pineapple is wonderful. Have you not had a good pineapple? Is that a condescending way to say, Oh you probably have just not had a good one?” I’m a lesbian. You probably just haven’t met a good man. Did people really say that to people?

Update: Someone wrote, Julie reports that a recent watermelon purchase was B- "Juicy but metallic" I expect (and encourage) a re-ranking. Not today buddy boy. Watermelon is still number two behind cherries.

Finally there’s a comment on Howwasyourwiki.com discussion page. Someone wrote a good pear is transcendent, but most - that is, the vast majority of pears - are terrible. Wow! From rock hard to a squishy, nearly decomposing mess in what seems like a few minutes, such a disappointment. Blueberries cannot get points off in this way, with pears riding so high. All right, you’re not having Bosc pears, B-O-S-C. Don’t get the mushy ones, get the Boscs in fall and tell me if you are wrong because you are. I just don’t like blueberries. I’m sorry. I don’t think they are that great. Blueberries have always disappointed me. I have always hoped that they were chocolate chips. I have never ever ever ever ever ever once been happy that something I am eating has blueberries in it when it could have chocolate chips-pancakes, muffins, plain blueberries in a bowl. They are mealy sometimes. I don’t like the flavor that much. I am sorry.

Someone also mentioned that blackberries were omitted. Blackberries are fine. I didn’t intend to omit them. I feel like they are on the same strata as raspberries except they are more ‘clitorisy’. I’m the one who was sickened by talk of oil glands yet for some reason I have no problem comparing a blackberry to a thousand little clits. One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits, but the night’s not over yet.

Every year I have a dialogue with my landlord management about my rent. I have lived in the same apartment for 14 years. I don’t know if it is rent stabilized or rent controlled, whatever is the one that tick up every year just a little bit more. It’s killing me but it is still cheaper than what my dummy neighbors pay. I do love my apartment and treat it like an office often, whatever, I don’t need to justify out loud why I pay what I pay to live in an apartment in Manhattan. Rent is getting higher. Every year I get a letter that says, “Your rent is now this.” What I need to do is call them and argue. Usually they compromise and lower it. This happens every August. I get a letter; I go through my song and dance. They lower it a little. I say no, ok. Sometimes I say, “You know I could move across the street?” It’s an empty threat because they could rent out my apartment for a lot more after they renovate it. Frankly, some nice new appliances would be nice. What are toilets? Are toilets considered furniture? That’s a Spoony question.

Anyway so it‘s that time of the year. I got the notice. I called my management company. They put me through to a woman who was actually a lot friendlier than the women I have dealt with in the past. They are oddly enough not sympathetic about my complaints about the rent, “All right I’ll put in the request, but fuck you,” I listen to them and say, “You’re right. Fuck me. I have no right to exist and capitalism is my fault.” So the woman I spoke to this year, this week, was nice. I didn’t know she was nice when I had to go into my pitch. I said, “Hi, I’d like to dispute my rent being raised.” She said, “Go ahead.” “Ok,well...” that friends was when I invoked 9/11 without even stammering, without a second thought I invoked 9/11. This woman said, “The stage is yours. Tell me what I should tell the pigs in the next room, these management monsters, and real estate monsters. Plead your case.” “All right. You know I moved in here 2000, fourteen years ago. When I moved in here you could see the Twin Towers from my bedroom.” As I said that out loud I realized that I was invoking/evoking (both) 9/11 for the sake of associating my plea with a great tragedy so that this woman would tell her bosses to give me a break. “What? No.” So that will probably happen. I haven’t heard back from her.

After the phone call I realized I just mentioned the Twin Towers in an effort to not have my rent raised. Then I thought, eh, it could have been worse. I didn’t cause 9/11.

Finally I want to wrap this up and get to the interview, in part because I am so sleepy, so very sleepy. I am reading a great book called Powers of Two. It’s about creative partners. It’s very good. I am reading it quickly. I had an hour, I don’t like saying ‘to kill.’ Maybe that’s from the Phantom Tollbooth where the dog thought it was a terrible thing to do to time, killing time. You are right. Don’t say that. It’s mean. It’s mean to time. I had an hour in between appointments. I always feel like coming home to be honest with you. I hope my management company isn’t listening. “You’re home is important to you eh? Well, Twin Towers be damned we’re raising it another $1000.”

I am reading this book. I had an hour between stuff. I thought I’ll go somewhere and get an ice coffee and sit and read my book until I have to go to my appointment. I went to a Prêt a Manager. I like a Prêt because it is usually clean and their chairs seem to be bedbug free. And it always smells like cookies. So I went into the Prêt a Manager. I got an ice coffee. I looked around and saw that basically there was one person at each table. I was going to have to ask somebody if I could sit in a chair across from them. I could just plop my ass across from them but who does that? SO I found this youngish hipster looking girl who was on her laptop. There was a chair across from her, it was really more that I wanted to sit in the chair than talk to that person, so I went over and said, “Do you mind if I sit here (while I was sitting down)” Then she said, “Just so you know a colleague of mine is going to be showing up soon.” “What?” “A colleague of mine is going to be coming.” “Ok, I’ll get up then.” I read my book. I remember thinking why was it important for her for me to know that her colleague was coming? Oh, your colleague?! It sounds like an important work meeting. I am sorry I have disturbed you at all; this seems like a high tension time. What are you the COO or the CEO of this corporation? Your colleague is coming? Are you going to have a meeting with this colleague at a Prêt a Manager over a pre-made tuna wrap? What’s on the agenda today, how many tote-bags you can make in a week? My colleague...just say my friend’s on the way.

It’s ok that a stranger doesn’t know that you are taking a work meeting at a coffee shop. “My colleague is en route...” “Well I’ll keep that in mind while I warm up his chair with my ass.

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