Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"

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Febrbuary 28, 2014


Jake Fogelnest

Origin of the episode title[edit]

A reference to Karen O's nomination for Best Original Song.


Hello, members of the Academy and others! This week's episode mostly grapples with how Cate Blanchett will acknowledge Dylan Farrow in her Oscar acceptance speech. But also, our great pal JAKE FOGELNEST is here! Join Julie and Jake as they (we) talk about FORBIDDEN ZONE, HEARTBLEEPS, and Plato's Retreat. And that's just for starters! There are so many more things that this conversation covers. You will love it! Or you won't, I don't know you.

Also - What Lupita Nyong'o's voice sounds like, the great comedy duo of Bukowski and Waits, what is terrifying about The Moth, and Andie MacDowell's magnificent essay about the late, great Harold Ramis.


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Monologue Transcript[edit]

Transcription by Amy

Tick, tick, tick, kaboom! Hi everybody it’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW. This is our last show until the Oscars. Until lady Oscar-is he a man? Until lady Oscars chooses tomorrow’s stars.

Are you excited for your Oscar party? Are you making 12 Years a Slave a tease? Here’s who is going to win. Let’s look at the nominees. Oh right, there are now a 107 nominees for Best Picture. Here’s what’s not going to win: Philomena. What is going to win best picture guys? What’s going to win best picture? Not Her. Not Nebraska. Captain Phillips—Captain Phillips sounds like it should be a ride at Disney Land. Best Actor in a leading role should be Mathew Mcconaughey, forgive me, for The Texas Chainsaw AIDS Massacre aka Dallas Buyer’s Club. It was an important film and the FDA has so much blood on its hands.

Who will win? I don’t know. I hope Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t win with his gigantic oily moon face. Best Actress in a leading role-Cate Blanchett. Cate Blanchett as we speak is rehearsing a speech in the mirror that doesn’t reference Dylan Farrow and that doesn’t not reference Dylan Farrow. Good luck with that. Best Actor in a supporting role will go to I think the guy from Captain Phillips will win it, Barkhad Abdi, or Jonah Hill, or Jared Leto. I don’t know. Best Actress in a leading role obviously is Lupita Nyong’o. By the way stay tuned I have a story about Lupita Nyong’o coming up. I had dinner with Lupita Nyong’o. That’s pretty much the story but I will get into it a little more. June Squibb will be snubbed. Best Animated Feature- The Croods, just kidding, Frozen. Are you guys writing this down? Best Cinematography- Nobody cares. Best Costume Design-The cat from Inside Llewellyn Davis, just kidding, American Hustle. Best Directing- who cares? Honestly? None of the people need awards. Give it to Steve McQueen because his name reminds me of Steve McQueen. Best Documentary- here’s my pick; it’s between The Act of Killing and 20 Feet from Stardom. I haven’t seen the other ones, which I probably should. The Act of Killing is a better documentary but I want 20 Feet from Stardom to win because there are ladies in it. Best Documentary Short- I have no idea why that category is still in this. Best Film Editing- I do not care, though that should be American Hustle. Best Foreign Language Film-I don’t have any idea what any of these are, but there is one called Omar from Palestine. Thank you very much, I will not be voting for that one. Best Make-up and Hairstyling- Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa that is clearly the pick. Best Original Score- The Book Thief, oh my god, can you think of a more boring title? I don’t know. Best Original Song- Let it Go from Frozen, done. Best Production Design- Don’t care. Best Animated Short Film- Don’t care. Live Action Foreign Film- Don’t care. Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Visual Effects, Adapted Screenplay- will be…A guy named Billy Ray wrote Captain Phillips? Was Clint Black not available? I don’t know who is going to win Best Adapted Screenplay. I don’t care. Next! Best Original Screenplay- you can’t really give the Oscar to Woody Allen can you? If you do, Academy, you are taking a pretty strong stance against people who come forward and say they were sexually abused.

I had dinner with Lupita Nyong’o. I am not joking. Sunday night, last week I went to a dinner party where a very elegant friend of mine who I am not going to say who it was but if then she finds out I told this story and didn’t tell you who it was and she is mad then I will tell you. In the meantime I am going with discretion. I was invited over to someone’s house. She had a dinner party and I was seated next to another single person which was adorable. He could not have been less interested in me. He was very interesting and smart. There was a lady who was a producer and finally the host said we are still waiting on our last two guests. I don’t remember if I even asked who they were but apparently the guest was a guy who is a musician, and she said his girlfriend is Lupita Nyong’o. Sure enough Lupita Nyong’o was in front of me, in my eyes. What can I tell you? I spent the evening watching Lupita Nyong’o eating chicken and rice. She was predictably stunningly beautiful. She was a little doll. She is very petite and short. She was wearing an exquisite herringbone cropped jacket that was trapeze shaped. He nails were a beautiful color I have never even seen before. It picked up where rolls gold leaves off and takes it to another stratosphere. She was incredible elegant. Her voice is like diamonds falling gently on piano keys. Every time she spoke I got drowsy. It was like someone had a delicate teacup full of brandy and they were pouring it gently on my head.

If you ask me what she said I would have absolutely no idea. It wasn’t that I wasn’t paying attention. She said she was from Brooklyn. She said that the people who work at Prada are really sweet. She said it is weird being famous because when you drop a pen in the back of a Limo everyone will run to pick it up for you and you want to pick it up yourself. She said she doesn’t like the red carpet but she likes photo shoots and that when people see her sometime they just go up to her and touch her. That’s not ok. If you see Lupita Nyong’o never touch her. As I left, she was quiet; she only started speaking about halfway through the meal which made it even more glorious. When she opened her mouth and hummingbirds carrying silk ribbons that were dangling in this elegant way and actually spelled out ‘ELEGANCE’ in cursive all lined up. She was leaving as I was leaving. I think she left before me which seems about right because she is busier than I am; when she was leaving I gave her a hug. She smelled amazing. It was like putting a wool coat on a kitten-it was too much. I should stop hugging her so hard. Then I said, “Good luck at the Oscars.” “Thank you.” “If anybody every goes up to you again and touches you, just smack them right in the face.” She laughed. She was generous. I don’t know how to talk to people.

Happy Anniversary to Bill Hick’s death. I don’t know what to say about Bill Hick’s death, my god. If only there were some male comedians that would eulogize him properly. He’s such an unsung figure because in no way do all male white comics, who really have nothing to be angry about in the grand scheme of things, glorify him as their patron martyr. I don’t mean to disparage the dead. I liked that episode of Letterman when his mom came on and Letterman apologized to her. That was cool. There’s a category of guy that angry white guys that other angry white guys like, are all involved with Letterman—Warren Zevon, Bill Hicks, Bukowski and Waits, the great comedy troupe of Charlie Bukowski and Charlie Waits. Who else? Harvey Pekar is different. Harvey Pekar is a wounded soul. All of these guys are wounded but that and a quarter will get you-what will a quarter buy you? The New York Post?

I am about to find out because I’m going to NYC on Saturday. I am going to be in Manhattan from Saturday-Wednesday. I am very excited about my trip even though it is going to be freezing. I can’t wait to see Jimmy Jazz. I am going to give him such a mushing. That’s something I am looking forward to very much. Should I check out the Met when I am there? How about Ellis Island? No, I am just going to eat all of the pizza. Eat all of the pizza! I had two female Uber drivers recently. They were both very chatty and friendly. Both of them drove cars that somebody would have given me a ride to high school in, you know like a Saab with a bumper sticker on it. The first woman who picked me up said that she used to work for PETA. I said ok. Now I just do this for spare money. I asked if she was a musician. “Yes.” I got out of the car immediately. She looked like the fifth non-blonde.

The second woman I had as an Uber driver this week was a lady who picked me up at a Juice…I went to a cold pressed juice situation and I got something green in a cup. Let’s just fucking do this. I am here. Let’s get a green beverage in a bio-degradable cup. I did. It was gross. Could you just put more apple juice in it? It was in a shopping center. Shopping centers are the pre-war building, the Guggenheims of Los Angeles. The Uber driver picked me up in front, “Cold pressed juice huh? What did you get? I like the apple pie flavor.” Oh my god. Not oh my god a cab driver is talking to me, she wasn’t a cab driver, and she was an Uber person. Second of all, I wasn’t expecting to talk brands. I was thirsty. What’s in it? “Apples and ginger.” Uck. I don’t like ginger. IT’s so good for you. Really? Tell me more about what things I don’t eat that is good for me. The woman who picked me up at the juice place told me that in her spare time she drive for Uber but mostly she takes photographs of the Salton Sea and sells them to China. I looked up the Salton Sea and it is in California. I asked Nate if he ever saw it or heard of it. He said yes, and that he didn’t think it was for me although it would be funny to see me around there. Why? What is there graffiti? I can handle graffiti. There was a movie called the Salton Sea with Val Kilmair? Whatever.

RIP Alec Baldwin. I am sending my condolences to Hilaria Baldwin, yoga instructor extraordinaire. Alec Baldwin passed away this week after writing his own obituary. That New York Magazine decided to publish for some reason. I was not aware that they were in the business of publishing suicide notes. Alec Baldwin decided to write a rambling blog that Arianna Huffington said Alec we edit here. I am not doing the accent. It’s not my thing. I am not that kind of girl. I wish I could do an Arianna Huffington accent. If I could do an Arianna Huffington accent it would be annoying if I just interjected the accent right? That would be annoying. I don’t want to be one of those people who are show-offy about certain things like that. I can see how it would be a story enhancer. Maybe if you are onstage at the Moth going into Arianna Huffington’s voice is something you would practice. Is that unnatural to think about practicing a story? I know that it is a good thing to do, but I don’t know. I guess it’s not that weird. You practice stand up. You practice reading your writing out loud. There’s’ just something about the Moth that gives me the creeps. Not that I have ever been to a Moth event and in theory I like the idea but I just have a feeling if I were ever to go to one, some really ugly person would take the stage and say “Thanksgiving” There were be too much energy in the thing they said and I would immediately check out. The first few lines at a play, for example may as well be “I’m at a play.” It takes a while to get used to the fact that actors are putting on a play in front of you. The second the lights come up and someone says, “Is it ready?”

Anyway Alec Baldwin is dead. He wrote a long, rambling, incoherent blog post that Arianna Huffington flushed down her toidy. By the way Chris Spoony Spoonair feels bad; he used the word toidy on twitter this week. It is an abbreviation for terlet. Will filth never cease? Basically Alec Baldwin covered in his suicide note/obituary is that he is retired from public life. He talked a little bit about how he is way more sensitive to “tranny’s”, then he said something about Rachel Maddow, and the he added something about how it is shitty that women get older. I don’t think he liked that, there’s a paragraph about how that is fucked up. There was another paragraph about how much he hates the spotlight and that it is invasive. I think he joined Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell in their heroic mission to protect celebrity children from the invasive gaze of the camera lens. Hey, Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell how about apartheid. I see where you are going with the don’t photograph celebrities kids thing, but I can’t lie; I am not that into it. I am not that into it. Should your kids have privacy? I don’t know maybe you should have thought of that before you got your head shots made. I know that sounds shitty and callous. You are right. It is not the kid’s choice to be in the spotlight. But I don’t know even John John was in the spotlight but he seems fine. Just the idea that Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have this as a cause is exhausting. I like both of them. I have wanted to have sex with Dax Shepard for a while, even though if I were to have sex with a man named Dax it would put my whole belief system, not even on ice, maybe on ice, then I would put it in a blender with some apple pie smoothie ingredients.

Have you had the apple pie flavor? There is something so grotesque about that. Not just because apple pies are warm and smoothies are cold. No offense Los Angeles but that is what a LA person’s version of apple pie is.

Anyway, Alec Baldwin is dead. We will miss him terribly. Also Perez Hilton compared black women to Hitler on the internet because he was criticized…here’s the thing about Perez Hilton, he’s not that smart in my opinion. ‘Perez Hilton likens black women to Hitler on Twitter’ this is on the Daily Mail so take this with a grain of mail. Basically what happened is Perez Hilton tweeted something like, ‘Inside every gay man is a fierce black woman.’ This is a horrible thing to say. It’s not horrible it is just silly. It is something a dumb person says. You know when someone says, “Joy Behar is not Jewish?” and I always say, “No she’s not Jewish. If she were Jewish she’d be smarter.” It’s not to say that all gay guys are smart, I guess I am just trying to say that I wish Perez Hilton were smarter. Do not go online and say inside every gay man is a fierce black woman. That is what a middle aged heavy set receptionist would say. She would get her coffee at Dunkin Donuts and sneak in a cruller just so that she could have it in the car. For god’s sake it is her morning. She can do what she wants. She’d get into work and interact with maybe her gay friend who works in an office. She’s think to herself, ‘Inside every gay man is a fierce black woman.’ Or maybe her gay friend would say that and they would both laugh. Neither one of them is that smart. So he said that and black women were pissed off. Black women are the best. He basically said to his critics that some present logical arguments but that Hitler attempted to justify the Holocaust too. What a fucking asshole. I miss him when he just drew cum on faces and he was overweight. What a dumb dumb.

There are only two members of the Red Head Hall of Shame. They are David Caruso and Red Skeleton. There will be no debate about this. They are the only members of the Red Head Hall of Shame. Will they always be? I can’t say for sure.

Here is how the Red Head Hall of Fame works. I decide who goes in it. I decide who comes out of it. I decide everything about it. There are different categories. It is a lot of fun. Go to Howwasyourwiki.com scroll down to Red Head Hall of Fame and there’s also the Red head Hall of Shame. Is there anybody I want to move around here? Let’s take inventory on the Red Head Hall of Fame. Tina Louise, Anne Margaret, Dolly Reed-sure, sure, sure…Let's take Loretta Lynn out, she's a brunette. I don't know what I was thinking. She's out. Not because she isn't a legend, she's just not a red head. Conan, Molly Ringwald, Eric Stoltz, Suriya the orangutan…Lets put Rojo Caliente in to the top tier, the queens of the Red Head Hall of Fame. Foghorn Leghorn, good, good, good, good…this is in good shape. Oh, take Duke the Baked Beans dog out. It is written. Take him out. Put him in 'I'm aware of your work.' Take David Caruso out of 'I'm aware of your work' because he's n the Red Head Hall of Shame now. Oh and Robert Loggia is in the category called Ahoy. He's the only person in that category.

What else? Speaking of obituaries, I wanted to address a very important article that Billy Eichner sent me a link to. It's a piece that one of the great thinkers of our time, certainly one of the great scholars of our time, Andie MacDowell, wrote about the death of Harold Ramis which is obviously a very sad thing that happened this week. Andie MacDowell worked with him in Groundhog Day and Multiplicity starring more Michael Keaton's than I would be able to sexually receive but I would certainly have a good time trying. Andie MacDowell had the grace and good sense to get her thoughts down in writing because she's first and foremost a writer. Well, I guess Andie MacDowell is first and foremost a thinker, then she's a philosophizer, then she's a scholar, then she's a grappler, and then she's a writer.

I thank Billy for passing this along to me because it really helps me to have insight into one of the country's most complex artists. It helps to know what's going on upstairs behind those dark curls. This is what Andie MacDowell said, this is her essay. The headline is:

Andie MacDowell Remembers Harold Ramis: 'He Was Like a Great Big Teddy Bear'

This is from the Hollywood Reporter. Take it away Andie MacDowell. I am going to do this in kind of a Southern accent: I've never seen anybody as happy as he was. He was always in a good mood, always had a smile on his face. He treated everybody kindly and with respect. And he was super smart, always doing The New York Times crossword puzzle and timing himself -- but with a smile on his face! He didn't take himself real seriously.

On Groundhog Day (1993), I could tell that he really liked me, and it made me extremely comfortable. He really didn't say very much other than one time he told me how to pronounce something that I wasn't saying exactly how he wanted me to say it. He probably wanted you to say it correctly! Cloppy the cow this one. He really didn't give me a whole lot of direction.

Oh you could never tell Andie MacDowell. You could never tell that you weren't given direction. In no way did you just stand there with your mouth open wearing an Eddie Bauer goddamn chino jacket. Groundhog Day. Why the hell couldn't that have been Jennifer Jason Leigh, Lea Thompson, literally anyone, Diane Wiest? Diane Wiest isn't a romantic comedy movie star. And Bill Murray is? How dare you! Where was I? She wasn't getting a lot of direction.

He loved what I did. It was very playful working with him and with Bill [Murray], too, because you never knew, Bill was always changing things.

And the same with Multiplicity. He liked what I did, and we had a good time. The set was never tense. Even if [the film] was difficult or complex, which it was on Multiplicity (1996) because Michael[Keaton] was playing so many different characters and there were a lot of details and a lot to think about, everybody was always happy and in a good mood. He played a lot of games on set. He was always nice to me; never had anything derogatory or ugly to say about anybody. He was like a great big teddy bear. He was just a loving, gentle, kind soul -- nothing complex about it.

By the way those are Andie MacDowell's favorite kinds of things, things that have nothing complex about them.

He was the kindest man I ever worked with. I feel really sorry for his family. It's a great loss. Good job Andie. No comments, huh? Interesting. Interesting Hollywood Reporter.

Ru Paul's Drag Race is back. Thank god I have a reason to live, live out loud. People are tweeting me this thing. Bret Easton Ellis and Rob Zombie are making something about the Manson murder. What Penn Jillette and Drew Cary were unavailable to team up? Writer Bret Easton Ellis and Rob Zombie have teamed up with Alcon Television to develop a project for Fox that will revisit the people and events connected to the Manson family murder spree. It is envisioned as a limited series. Ellis is set to write the script and some additional materials. Zombie is on board to direct, as though the families of Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring, and the Labiancas haven't suffered enough.

Meanwhile I am trying to make plans to go on the Murder Death Tour with Jake Fogelnest. He went to at 9am. I guess they have weekend tours in the morning. You drive around Los Angeles with fellow ghouls and you look at where houses used to be, where Sharon Tate lived, and so forth and so on. Jake went alone and he was with a bachelorette party.

We have one guest…