Episode 138: "Oooooh!"
25 October 2013
Origin of the episode title
A reference to a story that Jake Fogelnest told the Billy On The Street writers room in which Christopher Hewett (Mr. Belvedere) came into a reading of Mr. Belvedere, sat on his own balls and cried out "Ooooh!"
HWYW Premium Podcast Subscription
Upcoming "How Was Your Manson?" premium episode
Jethro Tull (AKA if The Who were Gayer)
Kathie Lee Gifford's new podcast
"The Stewmaker" episode of "The Blacklist"
Why is Kevin Kline in Last Vegas? Who dropped out?
Jimmy Jazz's ophthalmologist appointment
Perez Hilton's appearance in New York Magazine
Exciting guests coming up: Camille Paglia, Peter Bagge
The "Who Jackie?" story
Julianne Moore prefers to be called "Julie" (her real name is Julie Anne Smith).
Download the Episode
Hello. Hello. Hi everybody it’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.
As I speak to you now it is the 24th which means it is Spoony’s birthday. It is Filth Day. I tried to get #filthday trending earlier on twitter and failed. That doesn’t mean you can’t still use it whenever you do something filthy like a creepy crawl. You guys know what a creepy crawl is right? Why a creepy crawl is when Charles Manson’s followers would silently break into someone’s house or apartment and then ever so slightly move their furniture before they disappeared completely into the night leaving you creeped out possibly. You wake up and think, I thought my ash tray was…never mind. Then you were glad you had not been murdered. It was the 60s man.
I am very excited about this week’s show. There are so much going on. The first thing on the agenda we will attend to is How Was Your Week business. This week, you’ve probably already learned that Julianne Moore is out guest, or one and only guest. Julianne Moore is the Queen of the Redhead Hall of Fame, I’ve decided. This is a very special episode because she is a very special actor and human. I went to her home to interview her. It was very hard doing this interview without asking, “Why so pretty?” over and over again. But I did. I’m not saying it’s my best interview. I’m saying as you look back as you are wont to do since we are on episode one hundred whatever, there are guests that I am so excited to talk to tha I’m not saying I’m bad at interviewing them. But they’ll say something like, “At four o’clock I got a coffee and a cookie.” And I’ll say, “Really!” So just know that I am aware. I’ll listen back and…just know that I hate myself I guess.
Is this part of the official business? Are we still in the official business How Was Your Week Business Section? Who’s taking minutes?
Julianne Moore had me over. She answered the door with no makeup looking completely flawless. Just like an eclipse, her hair, everything…wow, I am inarticulate even thinking about it. She was incredibly gracious and I am really excited that she was on the show. I also want to mention that starting Monday we are going to be releasing special Premium Episodes once a month. If you go now to Howwasyourweek.libsyn.com you will find a very pretty page that is newly designed because what we are doing now, Spoony, myself, Hotlips and the How Was Your Week Gang have decided it would be a good idea to offer a HWYW app. You buy the app and it is very reasonable, you can have access to these extra premium episodes we are going to put out once a month. Go to Howwasyourweek.libsyn.com.
Monday we’re releasing How Was Your Manson. I’m really excited about this episode because this is the first episode in which I actually did an interview with someone who wasn’t physically in front of me. We’d never done a remote interview before but we actually dipped into the tip Spoony Filth Jar, took out some cash, washed our hands 1000 times because yes, it’s cold season. You bet I have a little thing of Lubriderm, don’t be gross, in my bag because your washing your hands all the time you better moisturize or else you’ll get chapped. We rented a studio space with an ISDM line. None of this is important; the point is that I interviewed Jeff Guinn who wrote the new Manson biography that I have not been able to shut up about for the last month or so. I had a great conversation with Jeff Guinn for about an hour about his book. I mention this because I am actually really proud of it. I am actually able to look back and think wow that’s probably the best interview I have ever done. I hope you feel the same way. I’m no Teri Gross. Although he was on Teri Gross’ show and I remember feeling very frustrated. I remember she didn’t completely get the book. I love Teri Gross. She’s an incredible interviewer but I did a better job with Jeff Guinn. Chris Spoony Spoonair and Jake Fogelnest are also going to be on How Was Your Manson which you can get on Monday when you buy the How Was Your Week app at Howwasyourweek.libsyn.com. We are also going to make only the most recent 25 episodes available at a given time for most recent non-app users. This is our way to circumvent doing ads for the time being. I have nothing against ads. I’m not saying we’ll never do ads. It just doesn’t feel right right now. This is a way to possibly add a little bit of money to what we do every week in addition to tipping Spoony which we appreciate and are going to keep up. Hopefully it will be cool and we will give you a lot of extra stuff because that’s we do. We do more, we don’t do less in general.
The show we are doing Wednesday is going to blow your minds in New York City. You’re like come to LA, come to Chicago, honestly if you can get a ticket to fly to New York to see this show (I think there are a few tickets left) do it. It’s worth it. It’s going to be an insane experience. I have no idea if we are going to be able to podcast it because we might get sued by a certain person who has three names. Surprise, it’s very exciting. I will say I have been hinting at it in the last few weeks and Chris Elliott even said something in regards to what we are about to do, but that’s all I am going to say.
I had a decent week. I got my perm shaped. I feel like one of those horny women from the Edward Scissorhands movie when he kind of sculpts their perms into poodle-y sort of…I don’t like my hair right now. It’s a little mullet-y. It’s fine. It’s going to be fine. Everything is fine, but my hair is important which I have established by talking about it for, how long has it been? I got a haircut. I caught up on Homeland. I told you I gave up on Homeland after the first episodes were so boring that I wanted to go into the bathroom and pull a Dana but succeed this time. By the way was that not the show’s creators just giving their audience the finger by having Brody’s daughter Dana, the most hated character of all time have a suicide attempt and not succeed at it, and have nothing else happen. The first two episodes basically Saul got a new assistant and Dana took a selfie. That’s pretty much everything that happened on Homeland. I missed the week after that. This week people said, uh-oh Homeland get interesting again. Ok, I’ll investigate this. That meant I had to watch the episode before this week’s episode which was set in Argentina? Venezuela? Wherever it was they spent about 45 minutes taking out Brody’s spleen with a rusty hammer. Then in the end you learn that the Jermaine Jackson looking guy is a pederast. It was garbage. It was one of those things like why do you assume I am going to stick around? Then Carrie is in mental institution and there’s a nurse that sneaks her a comb. It’s a garbage show-oh but there’s a twist, there’s a twist, there’s a twist. Fine. I get to this week’s episode and there’s a twist. It’s confusing. It happens at the end. I’m not giving anything away. She ends up on Mandy Patinkin’s porch. He goes, “You’re a very wonderful person Carrie.” She says, “Don’t worry no one followed me here. “ What is this show? This is what you told me was so great that I had to return to it?
Do you know what is better than Homeland at this point is the Blacklist. Oh…it’s time to talk about the blacklist. Between last time and now I have become obsessed with two things, The Blacklist and Jethro Tull. Jethro Tull’s album Thick as a Brick has been playing over and over in my universe, on my iPod. I really really like it. I like Aqualung but prefer Thick as a Brick. Oh my god Tull just got to me in a very deep place. Ted who also appreciates Tull wanted to know why Tull was resonating with me so heavily at this point in my life or just in general. I said very simple if the Who were gayer and somewhat proggier. If Quadrophenia had been processed through Paris is Burning as its sieve and you’re left with this Scottish sort of madness. It’s a joke on concept albums; it’s not a real concept album. What are you talking about? I don’t care. It’s just delightful. Not only is that my favorite album right now, I think it’s my favorite thing. Jethro Tull’s Thick as a Brick. My other favorite thing is Kathy Lee’s podcast which I will get to in a second. If you are racking up favorite things I only have one this week except for the fact I actually have two and the other is the Blacklist.
I have seen every episode. Here’s the nice thing about the Blacklist, it’s pretty easy to know what is going on in it. It is kind of bad. If you miss an episode it’s fine because you can watch it later, or choose not to. Every week there’s a new villain who’s on the Blacklist. I am going to summarize the Blacklist for you, well I’m not going to summarize, I am going to painfully recap a lot of details about the Blacklist. James Spader plays a criminal named Red Reddington. He turns himself into the FBI or the CIA, I don’t know. He says in return for, I don’t know if he gets immunity, it doesn’t matter, I am going to work with you. I am going to give you the names of all the criminals you want to catch more than any of the other criminals. They are on this thing called the Blacklist. The government doesn’t like where this is going. Red says, “I’ll only talk to Lizzie Lizzington,” or whatever. There’s a woman named Elizabeth played by Megan Boon. Megan Boon has this pizza dough face that is completely affectless. She doesn’t even have two emotions, she just has one which is sort of mouth slightly open. It’s not even an emotion but she does it. She wears these wigs that I swear to god are not even Halloween-ready wigs. This week the producers had the audacity to pin back part of her crappy wig with a barrette. It was like that episode where Brody gets his spleen hammered out by Jermaine Jackson in Venezuela, aka a big fuck you to the audience. We know she’s wearing a wig. She knows she’s wearing a wig. Everybody knows she’s wearing a wig. You put a barrette in it? Why don’t you put a headband in front of it while you’re at it to make her look like a Hasidic Jew returning things at Zara at 3pm on 5th Avenue which I once saw twelve of, like the Apostles all lined up with baby carriers. They were all returning stuff to Zara. I don’t know what that is about.
Sometimes James Spader wears a hat. Sometimes he does not. He is unbearable sexy on this show which is a statement I stand by. I’m sorry. I think James Spader is so god damn sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that his hair is gone. I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Stef anymore. He’ll always be Stef to me. He’ll always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because you’re so horny that you don’t care, you just think him. Sometimes I actually watch the show and I get, this isn’t gross believe me, I get this sense of longing immediately chased by frustration. I want him. I can’t have him. That’s my relationship with James Spader. Red Reddington will only speak to Lizzie, we don’t know their relationship except he’s probably her father. She has a dopey husband/fiancée husband. He wears glasses, but sometimes he doesn’t. Anyway the episode that really changed everything is this one from last Monday called the Stewmaker. The Stewmaker refers to someone on the Blacklist played by Tom Noonan, a great character actor, and a great actor as well. He played a man who got his moniker by turning corpses into stews with chemicals. By stews I mean he would basically go to motel rooms with his dog. He has a dog. There’s a guy named the Stewmaker who has this dog. He goes to motels with his dog. You don’t know what he is up to. He tapes plastic on the walls of the motel room. The dog is sitting on the bed. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t know that his master is the Stewmaker. He shaves his whole body, which we only see in close up, so it’s not that disgusting. After he shaves his whole body and put the plastic everywhere. He takes a corpse and puts it in the bathtub of the motel and pours chemicals on it. That’s the stew he made. Fine. What is the AV Club doing giving The Stewmaker a C? Ugh! Unbelievable. This is how Red Reddington gets the Stewmaker, Stewmaster? Stewmaker. Oh man there’s a typo in this AV Club recap, they called it the Stewmaster. I’m not making fun of the AV Club, I just think that Stewmaster is a really funny thing to think and say.
James Spader knows about the Stewmaker. He wants to get the Stewmaker. He has to cooperate with this Lorca drug person first. Lorca tips him off to who the Stewmaker is. They are frustrated because he doesn’t leave any DNA behind. How is that possible? I think he said he checked in here, this is his name. Fine. They go to the motel; by the way this is going to take three more hours. They go to the motel and the Feds say, “We couldn’t get any of his DNA anywhere. There were a couple of hairs on the bedspread but they weren’t human.” The dog was on the bed, remember? Eventually they find out who the Stewmaker is, I don’t remember how. It probably had something to do with Red Reddington going to Lorca flashing his pearly whites and me wanting to flash my pussy by opening my legs and seducing James Spader so that he…forget it. They find out the guys name. Red Reddington gets sick of the Feds and their red tape and he traipses into their laboratory and grabs the zip lock bag labeled DNA which is the dog hair. He walks right out of the CIA’s basement office. Oh, by the way during this whole time, Lizzie has been kidnapped by the Stewmaker, so the Stewmaker has Lizzie in the woods. You don’t know where they are. He’s saying creepy things to her like, “This is a solution I am going to give you that will paralyze you but you will remain sensitive to pain.” He’s torturing her, but he’s torturing her with trigger points. He says, “This is going to hurt. This is a nerve in the muscle of the shoulder,” then he puts a needle in her shoulder. That’s happening.
James Spader has to track down Lizzie and the Stewmaker. He goes in a car with a zip lock full of the dog’s DNA in the form of a hair. This is when it gets a little…He calls the name of the city…He calls, “Can you please connect me to Animal Control this is… They find out that the Stewmaker’s name is Bill Cooperman. After James Spader gets the number for the Animal Center he calls up, “Hi this is Bill Cooperman, I have lost my dog. Would you mind telling me his tracking number? And by the way can you also change it and give me its coordinates?” “Sure thing Mr. Cooperman.”
Meanwhile Lizzie is being tortured by the Stewmaker. As I mentioned he gives her a syringe full of something that will paralyze her but she will remain sensitive to pain. He gives her that syringe full. By the way he’s practically naked and has burns all over him, most likely from his own stew. There’s a stew behind him. He’s got a stew going and he’s going to throw Lizzie in it when he’s done torturing her. He tells her his instructions were to make her suffer. He’s like, “I’m sure you have a son don’t you?” “Yep, I do.” After Lizzie gets the syringe full of the paralyzing gel she struggles and gets out of her plastic handcuffs. She throws herself down with her last remaining strength and she almost gets away in the woods but she doesn’t. The dog barks at her and she has to go back to the cabin with the Stewmaker. He says, “You shouldn’t have done that Lizzie.”
Meanwhile James Spader makes a pitstop to Mrs. Cooperman’s house. He asks her what is the deal with her creepy husband. “Well I never…But he..He’s not the kind…You don’t know him like I do.” “Mrs. Cooperman do you have a place other than this place?” “Well there’s the fishing cabin.” “Thank you Mrs. Cooperman.” He tells the FBI men they’re going to need some meat. They go to the butcher-we don’t see them going to the butcher on camera. While she is about to die, James Spader bursts into the Stewmaker’s lair and says, “You could have been somebody better Stewmaker. You could have gone to school. You could have been a nice person. Maybe you can change. Maybe you can be a nice person. Maybe you can be a contributing member of society.” Then he says, “Or maybe not,” and he pushes the Stewmaker back into his own stew! The Stewmaker dies in his own stew. They cut to the dog eating a steak because that was what they needed the meat for, to distract the dog. The Cops show up and ask, “What happened?” The Stewmaker is gone. They immediately put one of those EMT blankets over her and wheel her out in a wheelchair. Her acting couldn’t show this but she is apparently at least semi-paralyzed at this point. Her wig is paralyzed. She says to James Spader, “You’re no better than the Stewmaker.” “Well I saved your life.” “Yeah, but so what.” That’s it. That’s the Stewmaker.
This week there was a Courier. He was someone who delivered messages between criminals. He was someone who had a specific condition where he could feel no pain. At one point one of the FBI agents had to pretend he was the Courier to a villain, a French woman. The woman said, “Prove you’re the Courier, they said you can feel no pain.” “Watch this.” He smashes a vase and cuts himself while she watches. He doesn’t even grimace. Am I watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Is this basically what this show has become? Where Steve Martin is being lashed by a reed wielded By Michael Caine pretending to be Dr. Emil Schaffhausen. It’s a great show. I think it is better than Homeland.
Speaking of grimaces I have found my winter silhouette, it is the grimace silhouette. I have been wearing gigantic sweaters and shirts and dresses. The my body is none of your business approach is an interesting one because I find it to e quite flattering to the face, head, and hair. As I have said in the past is where a women’s beauty lies. You can quote me on that. Please do. Update Howwasyourwiki.com and mention that I believe, more than anything, more than Judaism really, that a woman’s beauty lies in her head, face, and hair. It was only a matter of time before I draped myself with a black tarp and wore some stupid earrings. I’m a New York Jew it was just a question of how comfortable were the shoes going to be? Pretty comfortable. The grimace silhouette is very ‘in’ at least for me this year.
Why is Kevin Kline in Last Vegas? I have this written down with a series of question marks and exclamation points following it on my notes to myself. This is a better question, who dropped out? Who dropped out of Last Vegas for Kevin Kline to be in Last Vegas? Here are your options; Ray Romano, Danny Devito, John Lithgow, or Kevin James. Who among those four men dropped out of Last Vegas so that Kevin Kline had to take his place after they went through a whole other list of Harrison Ford, Mathew Modine (it almost sounds like a Punchline but I am sure his name came up) who else? Jeff Daniels, busy, he won the Emmy for best actor in a TV show about ‘mansplaining things that happened two years ago. If there are any dads out there who are not rock hard at the prospect of going out to see Last Vegas getting out of a weekend of errands, getting a chore pass from the old wifey, and taking refuge in a movie theater instead of a man cave for once, if there are any dads that are not interested in Last Vegas, those dads are watching Captain Phillips.
Captain Phillips to me seems like very conspicuous dad-bait. If there is some scheme out there to get dads off the streets and into movie theaters, I don’t know Al Sharpton, maybe get dads away from their families that need fathers. I’m just saying that maybe you should look into it. That autistic kid is dead. I’m so sorry but that little boy who has been missing in the City, oy. There’s an autistic boy who has gone missing. It’s tragic. It’s horrible. There’s nothing funny. I wish I hadn’t brought it up but I have. That’s what Al Sharpton should be moving onto. He should be focusing his laser beam on the conspiracy behind Captain Phillips. I don’t know a single dad alive that s not going to see that movie. Tom Hanks plays Sully Sullenberger in it. It’s weird. They rewrote it so that one point the boat turns into a plane and it lands on water.
So Kathy Lee Gifford has a podcast and Allison McCarthy was kind enough to give me a heads up. Nothing could prepare me for this podcast. I got a text from my pal Billy Eichner after I told him about Kathy Lee’s podcast. He thought I was joking. He immediately listened to it, after he passed out. He wrote me the following, “Kathy Lee Gifford’s podcast starts with Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, and Judge Judy all calling in to wish her luck on the new podcast. Then it’s revealed that they were all impressions done by the same woman. Then she talks to Regis Philbin. It’s by far the most incredible thing I have heard in my life. We should all put our mics down and put our heads down. Take a nap at our desks for five minutes-that means you Fogelnest, all of us podcasters, everyone at Earwolf, everyone at MaximumFun, everyone at Nerdist Incorporated should take a moment and listen to what Kathy Lee is doing with the medium. Most of it is her complaining that she doesn’t understand technology, that she’s post-menopausal, and that she had to get rid of her flip phone. Who knew she’d be podcasting and that it goes out into outer space? That makes her nervous. It’s mostly that. It’s really nice to be in her company. I think what she does is special and it could teach us something about podcasting. I don’t know. I think it is remarkable that she has a podcast. The font that she uses in her logo is pretty cool as well.
I had a traumatic experience with Jimmy Jazz. He’s had a wonky eye ever since I have known him. I have been giving him medicine forever. We are at the point where the medicine is not working anymore and we should find out what the hell it is. So his sexy ophthalmologist, the ones with legs from here to Timbuktu, told me the vet who comes over, Dr. Danielle, who makes house calls so the pets just think every once in a while visitors are grabby, should do an eye culture and a throat culture. That will rule out a certain amount of virus. If he doesn’t have any of those viruses maybe we should do a biopsy on his eyeballs. That freaks me out. I don’t want to sedate him if I don’t have to. Let’s do a culture first. Have Dr. Danielle come over. By the way Jimmy is perfectly fine. Hi is the healthiest boy in the world. He just has this one wonky eye that is constantly closing and opening—it looks like he’s winking at yoyu. I just want the boy to have the best of all. I want the Obamacare of medical attention. So Dr. Danielle comes over. In the past she had been assisted by a woman of Latina origin, if you remember she lost several fights to Smiley Muffin and she’d come out of the bedroom and say things like, “Your cat is very confident.” Yep. So today Dr. Danielle was rolling with the blond. As soon as they came in Jimmy knew something was up. He looked at them, he say the scale—no thanks, and went under my chest of drawers and looked at me. Then the Nordic woman went into the room and picked him up. He got his eye culture. He was a very good boy. For the throat culture the Vet says, “Can you hold his back legs?” They are in your home. They do a little swab, it doesn’t hurt him, but he makes this sound that breaks my heart into a million little pieces as it is said, “Marw” I lose my mind. They let him go, everything is fine, and two hours later he has no memory of what happened. He’s bopping around and chasing mice. I’m just saying having a Vet that does house calls may be less harrowing and stressful on the pet but it is not less harrowing or stressful on the owner. Who will see Bad Grandpa with me? Why don’t I have a boyfriend yet? Please god don’t make me go see Bad Grandpa with a girlfriend. That is not what I want to do. Good Lord.
There’s an article about Perez Hilton in the new New York Magazine. He comes off as a real knuckle head which is not a surprise. I tweeted something that he responded to a couple of days ago. I said who’s going to break the news to Perez Hilton that literally nobody is happy for him? That’s his whole thing. Look I lost weight! Look I had this baby! Look I’m nice now! We’re not your parents dude. This is not about unconditional love. We didn’t like you that much to begin with. When you were mean at least we knew where you stood. We knew you wanted to be famous too. We never liked you. His website is terrible. Have you ever been to Coco Hilton? We’re so excited to see Noah.
I’m on the site right now. Everything has a god damn exclamation point to it. Ellen DeGeneres thwarts Taylor Swift and Jennifer Aniston during their promo takes! Fuck you. I’m busy; I’m not buying into that tone. BEN AFFLECK SPOILS HIS KIDS WITH TOYS! (All caps) Tags are obnoxious #stuff4kidz, that’s also #perezitos, that’s his children’s website. He has Coco Perez, Perezito, FitPerez (I’m not clicking on it) and Teddyperez. He also posted a GIF of the royal baby about to be christened. I found that to be stupid and dumb. He did respond to me on twitter and I found that to be exciting.
We have a lot of exciting guests coming up beyond the one I am going to introduce momentarily. I had the honor of interviewing Camille Paglia. I went to Philly to talk to her. We had a long conversation, an hour and a half, that we will have to edit down. Whether Hotlips does it or Spoony does it, it s not going tp be easy because she’s a fast talker. That’s coming up. I also interviewed Peter Bagge, a cartoonist of Hate Comics fame. He wrote a book recently about the life of Margaret Sanger. She was the co-founder of Planned Parenthood among many other things; she was a birth control pioneer. She’s one of these shit starters. Wow, whatever gave her the sense that she had the right to do that? She’s remarkable. I highly recommend the book. It’s called Woman Rebel. Toward the end of Margaret Stanger’s life she died at 86. She had grandchildren. She took lovers. She had a full incredible life that it seems like she enjoyed and was active until pretty much the end. There was a panel in which one of her children wa staking care of her on her deathbed.
I have been feeling less sorry for myself lately which is a really exciting look for me. I have mostly been focusing on my Messiah complex and learning my stuff for the show next week. But in addition to that I have been stressing about my hair and not focusing in on the, how would you call it, the deafening loneliness. When I say that panel of a child taking care of her dying mother, I thought hey wait a minute, that’s why you have children so they take care of you while you are dying. Because I have this whole thing where my friends are my family which is cute when you are in the Sex in the City age but all of a sudden on the B Train uptown to the upper west, I had this thought of myself dying in a bed with my friends around me. I am optimistic enough to have envisioned a husband that had already died before e I did so don’t tell me that I am all dark clouds and no silver linings playbook. My husband is dead and I pictured myself in be surrounded by friends saying, “I’m sorry I can’t stay longer.” “Oh, no, no that’s ok. It’s fine. No. Go.” Then they are gone. What I have been saying is that this is an exciting new thing for me. I remember stepping out of my head and seeing myself think that and think, oh that’s a different approach to loneliness that you have figured out. Wow. You are full of surprises, I say to me. Then I arrived at my destination. I better check tinder. I better go on a fucking date otherwise I am going to be in that room. Frankly if I was someone’s friend and they were dying I would do the same thing. I’d visit them every day but at a certain point I’d go home. I understand. I have to sleep. I’d stay over, of course on occasion. I have the Tinder app and one point over the weekend it said we have run out of men in your area. Too many left swipes. Sorry Julie. I read that as, “No, it’s not going to happen for you. Check back in a year. No there’re no men. There’re no men. There’re no men.” That’s an idea for a network huh? There’s no men.
We have a new Boredwalk Nightmarezzz recap from Spoony, the birthday boy. As you know I force Chris Spoony Spooner to watch Boredwalk Empirezzz every week and recap what happened. He has since taken to combining recaps of the episodes with his dreams. Here’s this week’s recap:
Nuky is just back from Florida where he has been going to alligator fights and fucking Patricia Arquette’s shotgun. Now he has to hang out with drop out nephew. Nephew was in class and heard a poem that was so scary he quit school. Chalky is hiring singers from Jeffrey Wright who is kind of a proto five percenter and is in it for the Libyans. Chalky is having sex with the singers. The singers are watching Wright’s murder chest scars. Gretchen Moll is going through junk withdrawal and Al Capone is shooting all the cops and Irishmen he can get his hands on. It’s all really busy and it doesn’t slow down until Rufus kills a priest from his church because Rufus is up to no good.
I don’t know who Rufus is. Spoony you never introduced who Rufus was, as far as I’m concerned he’s a bull Mastiff Just before the priest dies he starts speaking Latin. The words are old, older than any language spoken today. They speak of ancient gods and grudges long forgotten by anyone alive today. For a moment the priest sees beyond the boundaries of this dimension and sees the future bathed in blood by she-priestess bathed in blood and wrapped in the skin of those who disbelieved soon to be born. She’ll open the thin membrane that separates our world form the hungry others that howl in space just beyond our sight.
Thank you Chris Spooner for our Boredwalk Empire/Nightmare recap. You are truly a gem.
I’d like to end this week’s monologue before introducing our gorgeous guest by reciting a very famous Hollywood story. Jake Fogelnest and Danny Zuker in the past have regaled me and us with the tale of Who Jackie, the legend from Hollywood Times featuring a Roseanne writer who did not know who Jackie was. Jake Fogelnest also introduced me to a Hollywood legend which is the tale of Mr. Belvedere sitting on his own balls. Mr. Belvedere as you know is a sitcom that is reasonably charming about a butler who had buttled for all sorts including Gandhi and the Queen of England. For some reason he ends up in Ohio in the middle of winter and he helps out. They don’t want him to stay but he eventually solves their personal problems so they say he can stay. He writes it all in his journal, creepily at night. His first name is Lyn which is hilarious. That’s the premise of Mr. Belvedere. The actor who play Mr. Belvedere, whose name is not important, by the way this story was brought up during the Billy on the Street Writer’s Room days. Billy would say “You know the story of Mr. Belvedere sitting on his own balls right?” No pray tell. I asked him to text it to me. Is there a cliff notes version of this story? If there isn’t I understand. He typed out the following—Mr. Belvedere table read. He is wearing short shorts. He sits on his own balls and says Ooooh! Jake can you send me an MP3 of how you say Ooooh! There’s another version of this story that he collapsed and they had to call an ambulance. That’s it. That’s the story.
Let’s introduce our guest…