Enemies of the Show

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[edit] Pauley Perrette

[1] Pauley Perrette, otherwise known as the World's Oldest Goth, became an enemy of the show after antagonizing Julie and marring an otherwise delightful dog awards show in the process.

Julie, working the event as a red carpet correspondent at the time, asked Perrette if she was intoxicated and/or planned to steal a dog by smuggling it under her dress. Perrette, insulted, unsuccessfully tried to have Julie removed from the event. Julie offers new ruminations on this bizarre encounter every few weeks while mocking Perrette from afar, inspired largely by the actresses' interviews and tweets.

Recently(January 2014) Perrette was the social media correspondent at the Grammys and stunk big time.

Perrette was at one time married to one "Coyote Shivers".

Has not yet tweeted support for Dylan Farrow.[2]

Seth Rogan has promised to never work with Perrette.

It has been reported that Perrette donated a wheelchair ramp to a Los Angeles grocery store but required them to post a laminated picture of her and her stupid pigtails to denote that she was the benefactor.

Perrette used ground up spiders on her head to achieve her signature goth black hair color, and had an allergic reaction. [3]

In the wake of Robin Williams' passing, Perrette tried to make #FameIsFatal a thing on twitter to talk about how famous people can't call 911 because it would "broadcast" their problems to the world. This was not relevant to Robin Williams, his depression, or his suicide. Instead, the hashtag projected Perrette's own vanity and narcissism in light of this tragic event.

[edit] Gnats

[4] Also known as "Guh-Nats", these horrible insects are often found in boxes of soup, which are not to be kept in your kitchen.

[edit] Patti Stanger

[5] "Patti Stang-air", otherwise known as the Millionaire Matchmonster, is a horse-faced garbage person made out of snakes. Ostensibly a matchmaker for hire, Stanger harbors an irrational aversion to red and curly hair when not writing a garbage blog-column for People Magazine ('Bag of Snakes') or escaping from the various glue factories to which she is routinely sent.

Julie has deemed this yenta "bad for the Jews".

[edit] Mario Lopez

An anti-circumcision zealot whose bizarrely predictable descents into binge-eating can be tracked on Twitt-air.

[edit] Jenny McCarthy

A delusional individual who uses her platform and wildly baseless anti-vaccination beliefs to murder children.[6]

[edit] Anthony Bourdain

[7] A pretentious boomer, faux-edgy television chef and total asshole. His "No Reservations" theme song may potentially be sung by a horse.

Bourdain's second wife, Ottavia, posts scholarly, deep things on the internet. Julie once referred to her on Twitt-air as "competitively dumb / shallow / famous for no reason" in response to a photo of Ottavia's abs and "The situation ain't got nothing on me" reference. Ottavia responded with an ancient, wise proverb: "If you don't like the smell of my shit get your nose out of my asshole."

[edit] Neil LaBute

[8] A fat man / 'playwright' who hates women and occasionally writes online comments in response to reviews of his own plays. Strong anti-LaBute feelings are expressed in Episode 119. In Episode 18 Julie mentions starting a hashtag "#neillabute4celebfitclub on Twitter, a campaign in attempt to shame Neil into joining the cast of Celebrity Fit Club. "I swear to god the first time you see Neil Labute is the first time you're shocked at how fat Neil Labute is."

[edit] Sting and Trudi Styler

A Doomsday obsessed, potentially Raelian couple comprised of a man formerly named 'Gordon' and woman known for taking over the backs of Kashi cereal boxes. It has been concluded they fuck way, way too much.

[edit] Snakes & Liz-airds

Do not send pictures of your snakes and lizards listening to the podcast or reading Julie's books, as "it will ruin [Julie's] life."

[edit] Citi Bikes

These Hot Wheels-like bicycles ruin the view while waiting in line for Sunday brunch and make Julie mad enough to throw an orange. They are believed to be the only enemy of the show Julie has straddled.

[edit] Steampunks

A group of individuals obsessed with cogs and top hats.

[edit] Carrie

Wrote Julie a piece of hatemail as a response to Julie's piece on Jezebel [9]. Wouldn't have been any less offensive if it had been written using Swastika stationary.

[edit] Mickey Rooney

Dead (1922–2014)

He is now one with Satan.

[edit] Satan

A mythological character who had a falling out with Julie over her pro-Bloomberg leanings; called support "beyond usual evil."[citation needed] Also known in some circles as "Steamboat Willie".


Patti Stanger and Satan have never been seen in the same room. However, Mickey Rooney and Satan have.

[edit] Barkley

The Sesame Street dog puppet who was an asshole to Julie when she was a child.