Episode 158: "She's a Car"
Contents
Date
March 14, 2014
Guests
Origin of the episode title
Discussed
Well, well, well. Here we are! This week's episode of HWYW features a chat with comedy writer (THE HEAT, PARKS & RECREATION) Katie Dippold! Enjoy this chat, during which you will learn about go bags, this one weird German guy, talking babies, how the floor is your friend, and "seeming gay" was enough of a joke for 80s and 90s movies and television.
Also, a still-forming list of GROOVY PEOPLE! The debut of a new character named "Hidey"! What never to say to a woman! A pressing question about Dottie Sandusky's intimate area! And when one trades in one's "perfect" card.
Trivia
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Monologue Transcript
Transcription by Amy
I am hiding. I don't want to come out of my hiding place. Who is out there? People? Are they friendly? Do they want to get to know me? Do they like me? Do they want t love me? Me? Hi everybody! It's me!
Oh my god, what was that? Was that like a character piece? What would that character even be called? Hidey. Not spelled the name way, H-I-D-E-Y.
Hello everybody welcome back to another episode of HWYW, this is Julie Klausner speaking to you, podcasting into a microphone that goes through a thing in my computer. I am actually at work right now. It is Thursday night as I talk to you and I am at my office. My office has a door, which is nice because the first thing I like to do when I come in, in the morning is pour myself a bowl of Krave. It is a cereal. Look it up. Then just take off my pants and panties and rub my back-lap, is that what the area is called when you are nude? The part that presses against the chair, I guess even if you are not nude, it is called your back lap right? I love doing that first thing.
It helps when you have a door in your office so that people don't see you and assuming you are being inappropriate. I am just kidding. I put a napkin down. How was your week everybody? I know that mine started with True Detective. If you are not watching True Detective and you don't want it to be ruined, you can skip ahead. If you have watched you can hear me talk about it. Here I go.
The whole season, for me, at first, was indecipherably boring. It was always indecipherable. At first I thought it was boring. Then I thought it was great. Then I got into it, and then the finale was like a trauma movie, the toxic avenger. It was silly and gory. The killer was an amalgam of every movie killer cliché in one. H eloped like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Then there was twenty minutes of hospital philosophizing. I was disappointed. I did enjoy the idea that the killer had green ears because repainted a house green one time. You know when you paint a house you get paint only on your ears. And so much of it! It colors the whole ear. I am done talking about True Detective if you have fast forwarded now you must pick up the program.
I started this week with True Detective. Since I spoke to you last, I remember being really tired on Friday night when I came home from work last week. I came home and Mannequin was on. I watched a little bit of Mannequin before I fell asleep. Apparently there's a wedding at the end. Do you remember this? All I remember at the end of Mannequin is that there is a horrible, what is it called? Oh! Conveyor belt. There is a conveyor belt and all of these mannequins are destroyed one by one. That's what you do with mannequins when you are done with them. You put them on a conveyor belt and they sort of fall down into a spinning blade. Their limbs are destroyed methodically and erotically if you are a 80s pop artist. It's something everybody knows. That's what department stores did before they stopped existing to my sadness. I guess at the end, the Mannequin gets married to Andrew McCarthy, lucky bitch. Hollywood marries them because he's a priest. Can someone shed light on this?
Has someone seen Mannequin 2: on the Move? I have not seen Mannequin 2. Does that explain Hollywood's arc from window dresser to priest, maybe from priest to window dresser. I don't know. If Hollywood did want to marry Kim Catrall and Andrew McCarthy as a goof how would he go about doing that? I haven't seen Mannequin 2: On the Move. I don't know if you've seen Mannequin 2: On the Move. I don't know. I guess I will never know. No,Rambo was not invited to the ceremony because Rambo belonged to a bad guy. James Spader making a really big choice.
Mannequin is a children's movie by the way. I don't know if you knew that. Kabuki Theater for infant disableds.
Wow, Julie really skewered Mannequins on the podcast this week.
What?
Isn't she afraid of burning bridges?
Hollywood, by the way, is the most realistic character, not only in Mannequin but possibly in 80s film. I had meet men like Hollywood. I appreciate men like Hollywood. At one point, "Albert says my thighs look fat! Do my thighs look fat to you?" Andrew McCarthy says, "I don't know anything about men's thighs." The joke is that he's not gay. Get it? He is leaving and says, "Look out Albert!" He does a bunch of snaps, some head bobbing and he leaves. Andrew McCarthy says, "Go get them!" and Kim Cattrell comes to life and the falls in love with her. The part of Mannequin that I remembered but didn't really acknowledge until the other night is…Andrew McCarthy plays his role earnestly. There is so much sincerity behind what he is doing in that movie. Kim Cattrell is blousing it up. Samantha Jones is a small mumble-core choice compared to what she does in Mannequin. Andrew McCarthy, whatever he used to fall in love with Molly Ringwald, he used to fall in love with Samantha Jones, essentially holding very still in certain shots. Then it is explain she's from ancient Egypt. There is a scene where his naiveté gets in the way of the audience understanding whether or not he's low IQ. He's in the rain. He is looking at the Mannequin and he stands up to Roxie who goes out with a guy who call him Pussypants later. He is in the rain looking at the mannequin. He's in love with her and then the lights go off in the window because the store is closing. Andrew McCarthy makes a face, what? No! Then he sees her in the dark and kind of smiles like it is ok. What's going through his head in that moment? Does he think she's disappeared because it got dark?
That's all I have to say about Mannequin right now, but that is only because I saw a little bit of it. I wished I'd stayed awake for more Estelle Getty observations.
I think I have mentioned this in interviews in the past but I will say it again, as a little girl watching Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrell who later turned back into a mannequin because the ancient Egypt curse was very specific. Do you remember when she tells him his age and in the end says, “And one years old...” and she holds her finger up? That's great acting. There is that scene in which they spend the night in the department store and there’s some dressing up and silliness, then they make love. That’s off camera.
They go to sleep on the floor of the department store under fur coats. I remember imagining what it was like to be naked on the floor under fur coats with Andrew McCarthy and that was the highly erotic memory, enough about Mannequin.
I want to talk more about Los Angeles, which is where I am because I am getting emails for people telling me to get out of LA, telling me to go to Big Sur, go to this and that. No. I am going to go home. I am going to go home on March 31st and see Josh Jazz and everything is going to be fine. In the meantime, I remember feeling sad last weekend that I wasn’t in New York City because my twitter and my instagram was full of people who had gone to see Emma Thompson as Mrs. Lovett at Lincoln Center in a concert version of Sweeney Todd. At the same time I walked from Hollywood and La Brea to Sunset and Crescent Heights, which is not a very far walk, maybe 20 minutes, and on the way over there was a library on the corner of Sunset and something. I had never even realized there was a public library there. The accoutrements outside of the library, the litter, the garbage was unique.
On the steps was a giant duffle bag full of chicken, pieces of chicken, legs, thighs… I guess what I am saying is that New York may have Sweeney Todd but Los Angeles libraries have bags of chicken in front of them. Who is telling who there’s no culture here?
I was told to calm down while I was driving by a man who was crossing the street. He had already crossed the street so by the time I turned he had no reason to express, literally anything at all to me. I guess I was going a little fast for his taste. His sissy tastes. He said, “Calm down!” What audacity! In what world do you, as white man, tell a woman behind the wheel of a car…she could hit you! You’re a man. She’s a car! “Calm down dear.” Ugh! Being told to relax, being told to calm down are the two worst things you can ever say to a woman, especially one you don’t know. I resent terribly that in New York I am normal but here I have road rage.
I couldn’t remember that word. As I drove away I remember thinking, first of all, what an asshole, second, I am just trying to get to work, and third isn’t here are word for that from the news? Then it occurred to me rage road? No, that’s not the order in which words go. I fixed it. In the meantime I employed some negative self-talk. I don’t talk to myself well. I have a bully in my head. Today I had an empty yogurt container and a mechanical pencil in one hand. There was a trash can with a hat, a dome hat, an R2D2 wastepaper basket with a flip door on the top. I threw away the pencil and kept the yogurt cup and instead of thinking of silly goose, Rose Nylund’s you slut, I thought to myself you fucking idiot! Get your shit together! That’s not nice. That’s not nice company to keep. The roommate in my head is abusive.
I am trying to be more self-conscious about that. Another thing about Los Angeles is that I have been seeing a Physical Therapist who is so nice that when I first met her I thought she was being sarcastic. “Oh my god it is so mice to meet you. You must miss New York. Julie it is beautiful outside today.”
She had a story about how she got really mad one day. It had to do with the fact that her son kept a book out from the library late and it affected her credit rating, which is insane. She talked about going to the library and she had to deal with people. They wouldn’t tell her how much she owed. There was something irritating about it. Then she told me that afterwards she said to her kid, “Do you feel like a grilled cheese? Mommy wants a grilled cheese. You probably want a grilled cheese don’t you?” Then she talked about how it is important to have happy grilled cheese when you feel bad sometimes. That’s all.
The weather is really pretty here. Dotty Sandusky thinks that her husband’s “alleged” victims smelled money. Dottie Sandusky went on the Today Show this week and told the world that her husband Jerry is innocent. Dottie Sandusky, who goes by the name Dottie, told America this week that she was in no way a dumb dumb. She said on the Today Show to a disturbingly bearded Matt Lauer. Those kids smelled money, which is insane. It’s not like Jerry Sandusky is Michael Jackson. He touched people for different reasons. She also said that his generation showered with boys, which is a great pull quote. Has Dottie Sandusky ever had an orgasm? Please email me yes or no. Internal or clitoral, either one.
Obama bought a couple of things at the Gap this week and I basically squirted for the first time. He bought a couple of cardigans and a work out jacket. He was also on Between Two Ferns, just having the biggest dick in the world, essentially. In an interview about the Between Two Ferns they said it was important to make it not seem like an ad for the Affordable Care Act. Don’t get me wrong, it is one of the best things I have seen. It is amazing. It is as funny as a regular episode of Between Two Ferns, but it is an ad. It is a commercial for Obamacare. I don’t mean to sound like a conspiracy theorist but, let’s call propaganda propaganda. Am I right? Fucking communists.
Barack Obama has great comic timing. It is funny to think of a President that is actually cool as opposed to…we thought Bill Clinton wearing sunglasses and playing tenor saxophone, we thought that was a cool president. What did he play? Heartbreak Hotel? That we thought that was a cool president is really funny. It’s like thinking that one of those old-timey Jay Leno cars is a high-tech vehicle. It’s not. It is a silly Oompa Loompa jalopy.
I was told recently that kangaroos are like squirrels in Australia. Can any Australian listener shed light on this? Is it or is it not true that kangaroos roam your countryside? Is it or is it not true that there are kangaroos everywhere in Australia? If you go to the park do you see them? Do you feed them? Please, if you live in Australia or if you have ever visited and you know about the population density and the behavioral patterns of kangaroos, please email me. Also if you ever see a kangaroo punch another kangaroo like he or she were in a Looney Tune please let me know that as well.
HWYW Live is coming back to the Bell House in Brooklyn on June 1st. Mark your calendars. Ted Leo and I are coming back, we are coming home. It’s a Sunday June 1st. HWYW Live. Tickets will go on sale soon.
I went to the doctor the other day. Everything is fine. I got a referral from a friend and I went to a doctor who had offices at Cedar Sinai. Cedar Sinai is a hospital in LA. I waited in the lobby for a very long time for the elevator. There were four elevators and only one of them was working. Everyone kind of packed into the elevator like sardines. There were a lot of old people because it is a hospital. These old people, they are a lot. These elderly are desparate to be heard. Not listened to, just heard. I was in the elevator and this old man was saying, “That’s it! I’m getting out of here.” All right be my guest. There was a crazy woman in the elevator. You could see from a hallway away that she was going to be a handful. She was wearing a sun hat. She was thin. She was older. She decided that everybody in the world was out to get her which I know because once we were in the elevator and the door was open for a while and we were standing there, I was on one side of the elevator and she was on the other side towards the front where the buttons are, some said, “Can somebody please press the Door Close button?” This gorgeous woman, let’s call her Elaine, says to an elevator full of people, very loudly, “I can’t reach the button. I can’t do everything. I am sorry. I just can’t reach the button.” I reached over and pressed the button and said, “Got it.”
The doors closed. We ride in blissful silence up, maybe one floor, at which point Elaine says in response to what she had interpreted as peer pressure for her to go above and beyond her abilities and press the Door Close button, to an elevator full of uncomfortable people, Elaine says the following thing, “I lost my perfect card when I got Lupus.” I lost my perfect card when I got Lupus. I lost my perfect card when I got Lupus. Elaine, I hope you find it one day.
Do you know what’s fun besides carnivals, and watching that video where this woman feeds her two dogs a MacDonald’s ice cream cone and one licks it and when he’s done the other goes CHOMP? That’s a great video. If you find it please watch it. It will make you happy for a second before you go back to what life is like. It’s fun when you are in a situation where people have to give you paperwork and you do something administrative and you’ll have to sign stuff over and over again. What’s fun is when people ask for your signature, but ask for your autograph instead. Isn’t that fun? Kudos to those bringing levity into the human nightmare that is signing your name on forms.
Jake Fogelnest and I have been going back and forth about which celebrities are groovy people. I saw Jake the other night at the Chateau Marmont which was really intense. I have only been to the Chateau Marmont once. If you are there and you are sober you feel like an asshole. The whole place is basically the real estate equivalent of a Rolling Stone photo from 1999. The Chateau Marmont is, if that photo of the Red Hot Chili Peppers with their socks on their dicks on the cover of Rolling Stone were a hotel. I went to see my friend Jake. At some point during the evening I said to him, “Name 3 groovy people.” Janice from the Muppets was one of them. Obviously the Doobie Brothers. We’ve gone back and forth a bit.
I just want to offer a few groovy people. Here we go: Art Garfunkel The cast of the Electric Company The hippy character that Jim Carey played that one year on the MTV Movie Awards Doug Henning Doctor John DJ TauaTaua Ali MacGraw Bob from Sesame Street Ernie, but not Bert Shelly Duvall The band Hot Chocolate Lancelot Links Secret Chimp
If you send me a list of people I will go through them and tell you if they are groovy. Dottie Sandusky is not groovy. Mario Lopez is not groovy. Are there people that are cool that are not groovy? Absolutely-David Byrne is not groovy. He’s too uptight. He’s intense. He’s Celebrex. He’s not valium. Are there any groovy politicians? Harvey Milk, Elliott Gould obviously. Who else is groovy? Crystal Gayle. Labradors are groovy. Smiley Muffin was groovy, Jimmy Jazz is not. I like Darianne Lake on RuPaul’s Drag Race because she reminds me of Smiley Muffin. That’s what Smiley Muffin looked like, as a cat though. The Real Housewives of New York is so good. I am only one episode in. I haven’t been recapping it. I feel kind of sad about that but I have been a little bit preoccupied with my other stuff right now, but I will say, I am watching it and I am very excited about this season. It’s good right away. Sonia is too thin. This week was the premier of Billy on the Street. It is a new season, Wednesday nights 11pm on Fuse. This is a show in which I was very happy and excited to participate. I love it. You love it. It is the funniest show on television. I am sorry. It just is. It just is. Billy went on Kathy Lee and Hoda this week which is wonderful news. They are the only two living human broadcasters.
I am going to start the show so that I can go back downstairs and do my job on the set of the television program for which I write. Then I am going to go to bed. I am sorry if last week I was tired. At one point I think I actually had fallen asleep, I was reading the thank yous at the end. This time I will stay awake. I will do it.
By the way one other thing I had at the doctor’s, was that the woman in the reception area asked me at full volume while I was on the other side of the partition in the waiting room and she was sort of through the door sitting at the desk, she asked me personal questions like history of cancer, which side? Age, weight, height, thing that were indiscreet, and then she lowered her voice to asked me if I had breast implants, do you have breast implants? No! Ugh! This town!
Don’t get me wrong, I love the people who live here, and I love, love, love working. But come on guys. Come on. Let’s raise the median of everything here. When I get home I am going to have my apartment painted and redesigned. I am going to take it back from the 70s into the 60s a little bit more. It is going to be cleaner and more neutral, silver instead of gold, the bedroom is going to be inspired by Patrick Nagle illustrations. It’s going to be Miami fabulous in the bedroom. Then the rest of the apartment is going to be Manhattan groovy chic. Jimmy Jazz is going to love it. Jimmy Jazz is over doing it with his excitement for the last season of Mad Men. He thinks it is all just going to end at Altamont. Jimmy, think.
