Episode 133: "Chive Teef"

Origin of the episode title

Chive Teef refers to a poster for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. The poster features a hippopotamus potato creature with hippopotamus chive teeth. There exists a man who came up with this idea and then contentedly went home to his family, and this makes Julie sad.

Monologue Transcript

RRRR Hello everybody. I did a rolling r. Hello, I’m your voice teacher. Let’s all start by rubbing the area between our breasts and making funny noises like “Yaah!” It’s perfectly fine to laugh. I have seen it all. You can laugh, burp and fart in front of me. I have seen it all. Check, check, and check. That’s a character. I just make this up.

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

Happy Sukkot if you are listening to this in a sukkah, I appreciate it. I am speaking to you Thursday night. I’m still recovering from Breaking Bad. Have you seen the posters for the Millers? There was weird We are the Millers, but this is the Millers starring Will Arnett and Beau Bridges on the toilet. I’m pretty sure Beau Bridges is going to be on the toilet the entire series the way Jerry Blank’s dad always was in rigor mortis. Can you imagine that phone call? Hi I have Beau Bridges agent on line three. “Hey Glenn, what’s up?” “Hi we saw the poster, it looks great right?” “Yeah it looks great, Happy Sukkot.”

I saw Breaking Bad on Sunday and he said, “It’s not fun anymore.” There’s no pleasure imparted when you are invested, it’s harrowing as if Lars Von Trier is going to direct an episode. Agh! That’s what I said when it ended, it’s like dry hurt. I was wound up when it was over. It’s ok if you don’t watch Breaking Bad. I have discovered recently that a lot of gay people don’t like Breaking Bad, I mean men. My gay friends don’t watch Breaking Bad. Why do you think that is? Let’s think about that together later, not now. Breaking Bad was upsetting and I actually had to wind down after. There was no way I could go to bed. I’d have nightmares. It’s like a horror movie at this point. I actually, this is completely true and I didn’t realize it was funny until after I have done it. I watched a documentary on NAMBLA on YouTube. Have you ever seen Chickenhawk. Go ahead and google it. You’ll get on the same list I’m on. It’s the most exclusive list in the land and entry into a club called NSA.

I used to rent them on VHS from Kim’s on St. Marks when I went to NYU and wasted my parent’s money on a liberal arts education. I saw that doc a bunch of times in my undergraduate career and I was wondering aloud if Chickenhawk is on YouTube. I typed in Chickenhawk. It is, in full. It’s not that long, about 45 minutes. What’s it about? Pedophiles. I’ve talked about this haven’t I? If I haven’t I’m going to now. There was something comforting about watching it after Breaking Bad. It focuses on three main pedophiles, one of whom I found out is dead. He was the best one; by best I mean he was the most colorful in his interviews. He was the most flagrant. I googled him and was directed to a man-boy love website message board—Hi NSA. It said he passed away in Sri Lanka. That can’t be good. He couldn’t have been up to anything positive in Sri Lanka. I don’t know why pedophiles who molest boys are considered more disturbing than pedophile who molest girls in this society beside the fact that women is the N-word of the W-word so we encourage people to lust after young women, that’s what we do, barely legal and so forth.

I think that it’s sort of something you can’t talk about. Remember when they used to want to march in the Gay Pride Parade and gay people were like no, it’s the best for both of us if we cut this relationship off. NAMBLA said I don’t think it is good for us, but by then gay people had already left the room. The guy who passed away, whose name escapes me, talked about having gentle time with a young boy that flirted with him, with whom he shared a sleeping bag and nature took its course. I got confirmation from Nate that you always need lube. He pulled up to a parking lot, if you hit pound and the last three numbers at this pay phone you get a quarter. He said, “Isn’t that nice? Isn’t that precious?” I have never seen Despicable Me but is that how the humpback speaks? Gnu, is that his name?

So Breaking Bad was so upsetting I had to watch a NAMBLA documentary on YouTube after and be registered on whatever list you are registered on once you visit a man/boy love message board. Sri Lanka, I covered that. The Breaking Bad thing was so fucked up. Meanwhile on The Newsroom finale Marcia Gay Harden wore a wrap dress. Mamie Gummer’s Skyped and Jane Fonda asked Sam Waterson if he wanted to split a pizza. Then I hit mute. I don’t know what Mamie Gummers said on Skype. I don’t even know what Marcia Gay Harden does on that show besides fill out a wrap dress beautifully.

I saw something this week that I wanted to share with you, that I have nothing bad to say about, I saw Enough Said on Monday. I was lucky enough to be invited to the Premier by Nicole Holofcener who I have met a few times and who I completely adore and idolize. I’ve tried to get on the podcast and hopefully next time I am in LA it will happen. I would love to ask her things and share it with you. I think she is brilliant and talented. I look up to her so much. Her new movie is perfect. It stars the late James Gandolfini. As soon as he comes on the screen, if you are in the mood to cry—I entered the theater already in that mood--you are going to get what you want. His performance, imperfect people trying to find love, forgiving the damages that are familiar, it dealt with empty nest, kids going off to college in a way I have never see, the veracity of which I have never seen, no offense Nancy Meyers. What if Late Night with Nancy Meyers was a thing? It would be better right?

I loved Enough Said. It’s a wonderful movie. Tavi Gevinson is in it and apparently great at acting as well as other things. After the film I went to the party with Renate. Oh no, no,no, after the film I was completely sobbing and I was waiting on line to say hello to Nicole and by the time I got to Nicole I said, “Thank you for making this movie.” She was very nice. I went to the party. It was an Eileen Fischer crowd. I had some steak. Renate is a good person to go to a party with. It’s fun to drink champagne with her. I have a couple of lady friends that champagne tastes better with them, how very Carrie Bradshaw of me to observe. I saw a gigantic guy. A heavy yard across gentlemen who didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of the crowd. I followed him and he led me to a corner where every cast member of the Sopranos was sitting in a booth holding court. Sure enough there was Big Pussy, literally every guy from the Sopranos was sitting in the corner. I remember Nicole Holofcener before the movie saying Jim’s family is here and that means a lot. She wasn’t kidding. They were all sitting in a circular booth. As emotional as I was I lifted up my Champagne glass to Paulie Walnuts in a toast to what I had designated quietly in my mind the wonderful life of James Gandolfini, all too short. Paulie Walnuts, in response nodded. I walked away and I got an Uber. I want Uber to sponsor the podcast so I can get free Ubers. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a movie that has a sequel coming out soon. I know that because eI passed a phone booth and it had an ad with a potato long-ways. In the potato were chives, but hear me out. I didn’t see the first one. I read the book, I know what happens, food, food, food, food. The potato looked like a hippopotamus. While the potato mouth was open there were four chives stuck inside of his mouth. They looked like teef, hippo teef. Can you picture this? Google it. I thought about the person who works for the animation company that designed that, how can I make nouns of out of other nous? Again, I haven’t seen the movie. How can I make things out of food in a clever way? I thought about that person being really happy and going home to his or her less than attractive family. When asked what they do for a living they say, “I have the best job. I get to play with my food for a living.” That made me sad. I guess because I have contempt for that person. I wish I was happy. I thought about that person I guess is my point, going home and taking pride in having created the potato hippo. I think it is fabulous, it’s very clever. I couldn’t have come up with it. There are other things people do with food that is very clever.

What do I have listed here to talk about? Pepe Le Peu is a sleazy French skunk. That’s true. Enough with the rape jokes, he’s not a rapist, he’s just very persistent. His game is that he wants to fuck that cat. The cat is not into him and he doesn’t care. He is romantic. That’s his game. I do believe with persistence when he does that thing where he kisses up her hand into her arm into her shoulders, I think he’s going to get mouth to mouth soon. I think that’s going to happen.

I have been reacting to the changing of the seasons. Transitions wreak havoc on emotion. I have been dealing a lot with the sense memory of how air feels and smells. I have been realizing something that I have been told by friends and have known intellectually but not in a sort of emotionally true way which is that all of this garbage I’m experiencing or have been recently is connected to the fact that I am only now beginning to deal with the fact of my four and a half year relationship ending in February. It is helpful that I know that. Things set me off. I remember feeling his skin being cold from outside when he’d come in the door of my apartment. That was a good thing for the death of James Gandolfini to cover up when I just cried through that whole movie.

I’ve never really decided about autumn. I know there are people who love it. I wonder if those were the same people who like horror movies. I had a dream about horror. I have talked about this on the show, about being horror curious, having interest in horror movies but I wouldn’t go see Saw in the theater unless I went with Danielle Henderson’s grandmother. I don’t want any violence in my brain now which is why I want to know how Breaking Bad ends, but I can’t…I want to wear blankets instead of clothes. I want a cat the size of a bear to purr next to me. I want, not sexually, fuzz, fuzzy soft things in my life like Julie Chen’s nose. What a mushy nose she has. Julie Chen has been chatting up a storm about her face and its secrets. Apparently the ratings for The Talk are doing well consequentially. She talked about getting eyelid surgery and it worked, meaning that she got her ass some jobs. Being married to Les Moonves didn’t hurt either. She issued a statement saying that her nose has not been molested or altered.

I learned how to turn the Amber Alert off my phone. I don’t need to get those alerts. What is an Amber Alert? It’s when a kid is abducted right? I’m not going to summarize Chickenhawk for you. You are going to have to find it yourself. I will say, on the subject of children, what is Annie anymore? I saw a photo of Quvenzhane Wallis on a Citibike shooting Annie? What! What is the parallel in the original text? Cameron Diaz is Miss Hannigan. Who’s Daddy Warbucks? I don’t even remember, is it Justin Timberlake? Nobody knows. What was that movie that Will Smith was that was five pounds or eight pounds. The human head weighs that much or something. That’s basically what Annie is becoming. I don’t know what Annie is. Maybe Annie is an episode of that new James Spader show, The Blacklist. Is that what it is called? I see those ads in the subway. He looks scary. He’s chained to a chair. He has a hat on. He doesn’t look like Mr. Hanson that’s for sure. When did James Spader decide to be ugly? When do you have that privilege that you are so good looking you think, “I’m going to be ugly now.” That would be nice right? I want character roles. That’s my impression of James Spader.

If you can do an impression of James Spader in the movie Mannequin you are the weirdest person alive. I like to think that was his choice. He came in, and he and Andrew McCarthy had worked together in Pretty in Pink, and he said, “Andy, this is going to kill you. We don’t even need to rehearse, just roll it.” Not that Andrew McCarthy directed Mannequin. Who directed mannequin? Martin Scorsese? I’m going to make these choices. It’s going to be really funny. I’m going to be uptight. I’m going to be smoking a cigarette. My body language is going to be really specific. Who wants to see a show where James Spader’s character from Mannequin interacts with Beetlejuice for 45 minutes a week? Maybe they are partnered up as cops, traffic cops? Who wants to see Beetlejuice direct traffic while children pass behind him? Oh boy.

Do you know what we weren’t on last week? We weren’t on Podmass. Usually we are reviewed favorably by the AV Club which is a kindness that I appreciate. This week we were omitted. I think it had something to do with having the writer and star of a one-man show about Barbra Streisand on the podcast which is a topic I don’t think most AV Club readers are enthusiastic about! Look, I like the AV Club a lot. I think Nathan Rabin is a fine man and a great writer. We can’t all be in the company of Greg Proobst week to week but we show up to work and we do the best we can. My attitude towards things is throw muscle at the problem. If that doesn’t work you have to just crumple up and fail and hopefully it will change. But you can’t stop me from fighting. You can, but then I’ll just feel worse because it’s not Julie.

Look, Howwasyourwiki.com is the best website on the internet. If you have not visited Howwasyourwikicom you are missing out on a lot of fun that you yourself have created can continue to create and contribute to. It’s really funny. You guys write stuff that makes me laugh out loud. I had promoted the origins of episode titles as a section that needs to be fleshed out and you rose to the occasion. There are descriptions of where each title comes from. For example Episode #10, Peco Won’t Know our Baby—the description goes, “Guest Andrea Rosen under the influence of pregnancy hormones lamented that a deceased pet would never meet their baby.” It’s true. What else? Episode #18 Giant Pictures of Hamburgers, this title refers to Tom Scharpling’s and Julie’s schemes to paste giant picture of hamburgers onto billboards in NJ that feature current Governor Chris Christie’s giant face. There’s so much of this I don’t remember. Episode 26 Count Chocula’s other teeth. Count Chocula has only two teeth and it’s really funny. Are his teeth as important as his hair humps? Julie decides that they are. It’s ok for me to laugh at myself. No I’m laughing with myself. Episode 57 Dog Valet. Julie met the dog valet while in California. He is a dog who will take your bag, bring it inside, and put it on his bed, which is no help to anyone, but extremely charming. It’s so good. You guys make me happy sometimes.

Hey did you go to Julieklausneronacitibike.com? It’s cool huh? Thank you for all of the feedback on that photo. We are going to try to figure out merch for the October 30 HWYWLive at the Bellhouse. The Bell House show on October 30 is going to be really special. We have Laura Bananti, Jean Grae, Carl Newman, and a very special guest that I will not announce. It’s not our traditional How Was Your Shreik although you are encouraged to come in costume. I don’t know if there will be a costume contest or not, it depends. If you dress up as James Spader from Mannequin, again that’s very weird, or Beetlejuice dressed as a Traffic Cop you will not be let into the show. No one dressed as Beetlejuice dressed as a Traffic Cop will be admitted into the Bell House for money. We won’t take your money; we’ll have you in for free!

It’s going to be a good show. We’re doing something very special for it. I strongly suggest you get tickets. Then I am doing my cabaret show in November at Joe’s pub which is also something that’s happening and is exciting in its own way. Go to Howwasyourwiki, contribute to it, enjoy it.

Let’s start the show. We have one guest because that’s all we need…