How Was Your Wiki - User contributions [en]

Episode 117: HWYW Gems 4

2014-11-26T02:20:24Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Episode 118: "Wayne and Garth"

2014-11-26T02:19:30Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==
Shelby Fero
Bridget Everett

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Episode 119: "Curating the Linens"

2014-11-26T02:17:50Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Hello everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.

I’m recording this a little bit earlier than I usually do which doesn’t matter. Why would that affect you? It doesn’t. Just a little peek into the marionette strings that keep this grotesque puppet alight with locomotion like Pinocchio which was not a scary movie, How dare you.

I am talking to you around 4:30 Thursday. It is kind of an ominous murky, rainy, sad still quiet, something terrible is going to happen weather outside. Back to you, Al. I interviewed Marc Maron today at the New York Public Library which was prestigious in that I wasn’t paid. They sent a car after I complained. We did an interview near a furniture object, the name of which I don’t know. It held cards—a card catalog carrier, a dresser of decimals.

It was a good conversation. I prepared nothing for it. I am trying that out in life. What happens if I don’t do not only too much but nothing? What is that going to be? Am I going to do ok? Will I fail? How will that affect my relationship with myself? I’m thinking about these things because this cabaret show is coming up next week and I want to thank everyone who bought tickets. I have an instinct to apologize for it not being as dense with bells and whistles as the variety shows that we’ve done at the Bell House in the past. I’m not going to apologize for it. I’m just going to express my anxiety around th simplicity of what will ensue.

This is what you should expect. Me size eight on the bottom size six on the top—perfect breasts, singing, talking, and there’s a band. That’s it. There’s also a screen and Rachel Lichtman, DJ Rotary Rachel, did some video stuff that is great and astonishing. Beyond that, there are not as many moving parts. That’s terrifying to me because I have a fear of being seen and being stripped down, being seen without makeup metaphorically and literally and physically. I believe that if you see me as I am you won’t love me. That’s on the table. I am trying to pare down a little bit. It is scary. All of which is to say I will be wearing more makeup than you have ever seen on a women’s face. I’ll be wearing the kind of makeup that Lucille Ball wore when color TV was introduced into the things she had to incorporate into her repertoire. Oh really I’m going to be on color TV? Then I better borrow Bozo’s pallet and cake on—what was the consistency of the eye makeup? I know it was a cake. It definitely was in cake form. Just the density of it—do you know when white-out gets a little bit tacky?

I’m going to be wearing a ton of makeup next week. Don’t expect any surprises. I’m already defensive. There are not going to be any audience plants—Does anyone have a question? Yes, you sir. I have a question—none of that, and no dancing so hold off on those expectations. I think it will be really great. If it fails…The best compliment I got recently was from Ted Teddy Leo our music man. He said, “Julie you’re like falafel, you can’t be that bad, even if you fuck up.” Ted I love everything about that, both Jews and Palestinians, you can be a Palestinian Jew. Let me back up. Falafel is fine, when you’re drunk and it’s great, when you are in that god forsaken part of the world and it just tastes better because the bread is…let’s talk about bread.

I just finished working on a pilot. I believe I referred to it last week. Saying I was writing something that was not not the Black Talk Soup or the Black Tosh.0. I have since finished doing that. It was one of those jobs where you are on set all day not really doing anything until they say, “Hey Julie.” And then you go back to reading an excerpt of Marie Callaway’s book. Have you heard of Marie Calloway? Jesus Christ she’s changed everything I know about millenials and sex. Marie Callaway- Jesus Christ I can’t put her book down. It has a hounds-tooth spine which is interesting in a way.

I was on set sort of all day. My body started failing. I generally ignore studies, but sometimes there’s a study that keeps popping up how sitting can kill you. You think that’s not what I believed based on my parent’s experience in Viet Nam. Then you forget it or you don’t read it, or it’s like stress can make you fatter, fuck you, I don’t read studies, but I know the sitting one. The sitting one is my least favorite study to read. It does take effect if at the end of the day you have been sitting and you’ll start stretching oddly. You’ll do this socially inappropriate elbow to ear thing. It almost looks like you are acting out the old adage that you shouldn’t stick anything in your ear that’s smaller than your elbow. By this time people have stopped looking at you and you wonder why you ever even combed your hair. The point is Panera Bread has really good cookies.

I sent a young man a PA by the name of Sam, a lovely kid, I said , “Sam do you know what I want?” at around 4pm I said, “I want something starchy and gently sweet like a cereal bar, or a muffin, or a cookie. I got serious. Sam knew I was serious, so Sam did a cookie run. I said, “Sam I want something very specific. I want an oatmeal chocolate chip situation, if there are raisins terrific, but basically I want it to be gently sweet.” Then I qualified because there’s a bowl of fun-sized Three Musketeers, which is just a waste of my time incorporated, behind me. I said, “I don’t want candy.” He brought me cookies from Panera Bread, oatmeal chocolate chip, by far the best things I have ever had in my life. Take that to your knowledge bank.

I wanted to talk briefly about the Tony awards. We did not do a How was Your Tony’s this week for various reasons having to do with not having time to. I regret that because it was actually a great Tony’s this year. Apparently a lot of people watched it. The opening number was by far the best opening number I’d seen on any awards show ever since Billy Crystal did that medley where he referenced a Few Good Men, and how Rob Reiner was not nominated for Best Director, and everyone said oh ho isn’t that the case? Neil Patrick Harris is our Gene Kelly at this point. There’s really no other way of perceiving of him. Am I correct in thinking like that? Therefore what does that make Jessi Tylor Ferguson, Donald O’Conner? That’s insulting to Donald O’Conner.

I really enjoy Neil Patrick Harris’ work. I thought that opening number that I guess Linn-Manuel Miranda wrote was superb even though he might be following me on twitter again, he goes back and forth. I don’t care I liked his work. Cecily Tyson had a great speech, her dress was everything. Mandy Patinkin was not there. He’s being signed to Paradigm. These are things that I get in my twitter feed during the day. I resent knowing them--Big News Think X is now AdultSwim.com Ok. That’s what I am doing besides following the twitter feeds of people I have crushes on because it’s not healthy. I also want to mention that I thought the best dressed that night at the Tony’s was old Pippin muscles. I don’t know her name. I could look it up—Patina Miller. Patina Miller looked superb in that Zac Posen. Zac Posen did her dress and also Angela from Who’s the Boss. It was architectural perfection. She looked like the Empire State Building. She was like, oh yeah I was in Wit, now I have hair, boy am I thin, the stage the stage! The Tony awards are the best speeches. Nobody gives a better speech than theater people.

What’s his name form Kinky Boots. I cried. I really enjoyed his speech. I did see Kinky Boots. Sunday Scott Brown took me to see the matinee. The crowd was on their feet the minute that drag queen came on stage and they stayed on their feet until they were told to sit down. It was a show that was so crowd-pleasing that I got three migraines. It wasn’t a bad show. It was not a good show. It also was a show in which Cyndi Lauper finally has something which she can say, “I did that.” Cyndi Lauper needs that. Cyndi Lauper has set up this thing for herself, that I relate to where you are competing with someone you shouldn’t be competing with and it’s only in your head.

You can’t help but set yourself up for failure. If you feel jealous of Tina Fey, she’s not in your league so there’s no point being jealous of her you crazy animal. Women picking people and instead of admiring them, compete with them. You do realize that she has no idea you are competing with her because it’s all in your head? My theory is that Cyndi Lauper has been competing with Madonna since 1982 and it ain’t 1982 anymore. She needs this. She needs her Tony. I could not be happier for Cyndi Lauper and her Tony for writing the most derivative score. In no way do I want to eviscerate the score of Kinky Boots that’s not my mission statement in this particular podcast. But every single one of those songs you thought, oh yeah, I know this song. Do you? You’ve never heard it before but also there are three or four songs you’ve heard so many times you don’t even think about them as songs. You think about them as life rhythms. By which I mean Turn the Beat Around, Celebrate the Times Come On, Jungle Boogie, just K-Tel’s scrolling sensations all in a blender. You enjoy them to some extent.

Hey what is that? Is that cumin? Honey do I like cumin? You like cumin. I didn’t realize that. Then the show is over and you learned nothing. So Kinky Boots exists. Matilda I didn’t see, I would like to see, hint hint if anyone would like to take me or donate tickets. I did enjoy that the score sounds like it was written by the band Jellyfish. It seems a little Tim Burton-y so good for them. Will history ever know that Tim Burton and Roald Dahl were different people or will future generations just mesh them? In which case, I don’t know. I have given up. What’s it going to be millenials’ kids’names and how much HPV will they have? It’s one thing to be GMOs and gluten it’s another thing, guys your sex is riddled with diseases. A lot of it is internet buffered. A lot of it is psychologically very damaging. I’m not saying this from a judgey place. I’m like Ron Burgandy, I’m impressed that you managed to get more sexually depraved than us GenXers. We thought we were slutty. We are not.

The Tony’s were fine. Laura Bananti is a sex goddess who is completely perfect. Also Neal Labute who was not invited to the Tony’s for something something fat joke. Neal Labute, whom I love talking about, and is one of my favorite obsessions, in this life as well as on this show, responded to a negative review about one of his garbage plays about how people stink and life is a toilet and women are doing the flushing. He started a user account on Time Out New York’s website. He responded to a theater critic named David Coat (sp?) who I am now following on twitter because he is a hero. If Neal Labute writes a comment on your negative review of his play then you won.

Do you know what? How about this. Check this out. This is highly unorthodox to be sure, David Coat (sp) critic; you are in the Redhead Hall of Fame. Is that inappropriate? Do you know what else is inappropriate? Commenting on someone’s bad review of your play. This is what Neal Labute wrote:

david, actually i have taught writing classes at various universities and workshops. invariably my writing begins with by having students read the collected works of George Steiner. George Steiner who was clever enough to remind us that, “A critic casts a eunuch’s shadow.” some shadows of course are more portly than others but their effect on mankind is basically the same, brief and passing. keep enjoying the free tickets while they last. nl

OMG that was the most…that is the single angriest string of sentences I have ever read on a screen from a man. I have read a lot. Holy shit Neal Labute are you fucking kidding me? It’s not just about David Coat. That portly comment I cannot believe in my wildest imagination that the morbidly obese Neal Labute is calling another dude fat. I don’t think that’s what he was saying, unless he was, in that case it is fucking crazy and I can’t absorb it. What Neal Labute is saying is that criticism is a meaningless practice. Not only is it meaningless but people who do it don’t have balls. Balls I assume to make their own stuff? This is the most arrogant, pompous, I’m sorry to keep going back to this, I know it’s annoying, If I were you I’d be sick of hearing me talking about it too. It’s rooted in that boomer misinterpretation of what authenticity really is. It is that idea that you are either the one making the art or the one shitting on the art. Guess what? Neal Labute there are a lot of shades of gray in between. I’m not talking about the sex book.

Since your hey day, when was that the 80s? Guess what? I don’t remember Neal Labute in the 80s. I remember some other people. I don’t remember a lot of playwrights from the 80s. I’m not as educated as I could be. I’m doing the well on this. Since Neal Labute’s day or whatever he thinks is his day, criticism, since before his day, criticism has established itself by leaps and bounds as its own art form. I’m not talking about blogging, you fat idiot, I’m talking about Pauline Kael and people who write for the New Yorker, New York Magazine, and the Times, and people who do write on the internet and people who have stuff to say about art.

People who have stuff to say about art, culture and generations and putting them together as their own voice, and you’re coming around and telling somebody who didn’t like your fucking toilet play which I did not see and I do not want to see. I would rather be doing something else than lending an ear to a man whose voice is already too loud in the grand scheme of things. You’re telling me that what you have to say is more important than what a critic has to say? You are so wrong. That’s the bigger picture. The smaller picture is…what is the smaller picture? There is no smaller picture! That’s literally all he had to say. That’s all that comment means. You’re fat. You have no balls. Criticism is nothing compared to the sacred authenticity of originality, of original writing, of the Artist although I’m only using lowercase letters. The capital ‘A’ artist who sits down and puts his, and I’m not including his or hers, his pen to sacred parchment and puts words into the mouths of other characters because he wants to control the world as he wishes it could be as opposed to the way it actually is which lends veracity and magnitude to the meaning of what others have to say.

Neal Labute is a fat narcissist and I hope he gets hit in the face with a Carvel Cookie cake at some point. Cookie Puss or Fudgie the Whale, but fuck that guy. He also has a show on Direct TV coming up which sounds really interesting. It’s all of these characters and their lives intertwine.

Peggy got a cat on Mad Men. Put that in the ledger. The Mad Men and Boredwalk Empirezzzz mix’em ups are getting deeper and deeper and thicker and thicker when it comes to ways to bore white people. Also what happened again this week on Mad Men is that Sally Draper walked in again on another sex act. It’s becoming like the fifth season of Three’s Company where Sally Draper is Mr. Furley and instead of a neckerchief she’s got a flattering haircut because she’s growing into a beautiful young woman? I don’t know. Viet Name just seems like set dressing at this point on that show. It’s like Owen Wilson’s character in the Royal Tennenbaums. Are you sure? I he really necessary. I guess if he signed the paperwork you may as well integrate him into the “plot”, but I am putting plot in italics with quotes around it. Our pal Nate was the first person to call Owen Wilson in the Royal Tennenbaums mis en scene and he’s not wrong about it.

Do you know what else? Labradoodles are the Owen Wilson of dogs.

What else? Jonathan Franzen versus cats was a thing. Jessica Pressler wrote a piece in New York Magazine about Jonathon Franzen’s obsession with birds which is a thing white people have had to deal with since Freedom came out a few years ago. I read that book on Christmas, alone. I remember hat Christmas. Jack was away. We were still together. I remember I went to the airport but couldn’t get on a plane. I was flying stand by. It was Christmas day of all things so of course I couldn’t get on a plane. So I had to go back home and I spent Christmas alone. It was actually really nice. I got to read that book. It was a good book. I enjoyed reading it although the lead character was a thinly veiled cranky version of Jonathan Franzen. I think his name was Walter. Which is also the name of Jeff Dunham’s cranky puppet so I also inextricably link the two. My brain is a lot of fun.

Jonathan Franzen hates cats. Here’s why, cats kill birds. Jonathan Franzen loves birds. He loves birds so much that he was the only person who watched that movie with Jack Black, Steve Martin, and one other person who I cannot remember, please do not tell me. They did a movie called the Big Year where they did a mid-life crisis and they all go bird watching. Every black person in the world was like, what? Come on. Or they didn’t hear about it. I love black people by the way. I spent the last three weeks working on a show and hanging out with more black people than I ever have. I’ve got to tell you, I liked them before. But I really love them now.

Jonathan Franzen doesn’t like cats. He thinks, he’s right, he knows that all cats kill birds and there are less birds now. All right. Do you know what I think? I think Team Cats. I’m also deeply ignorant. I’ve never liked birds as much. It’s bad that they are dying and it’s bad that cats are worming around because they don’t have people to take care of them. Listen to Bob Barker. Do the thing to your cats that makes their genitals irrelevant. Don’t give interviews about this Jonathan Franzen. It’s not a cute look. It’s not a cute look to be the bird guy.

I know I shit on people who ride bicycles last week. I know I have an issue with things who I shouldn’t have issues with. You should like what you like. In all honest if I met someone and I really liked them and they said I’m into birds and bicycles, I’d say good for you. Live your life. I don’t care. Be nice to me. Give me love. Accept me for who I am. If you don’t accept me for who I am don’t make me feel bad about being who I am.

Now that we are entering the summer months I have to tell you, I don’t know if I told you last week. If you see a woman and she has liquid eyeliner messed up you have to tell her. I don’t care if you know her, I don’t care if you don’t know her. If she has liquid eyeliner on and she sweat enough so that there’s some black above the lid crease or it’s going into the side of her hair line you have to tell her. She will appreciate it. She might be embarrassed but she’d be a lot more embarrassed if you didn’t tell her. That’s on you.

Finally Wendy Deng is single. She left Rupert Murdock. Wendy Deng you have an open invitation to be on this show whenever you want. I think you’re terrific. I have always said this is the year of the Deng. I think you have a long life ahead of you, maybe we should start a Kickstarter. Just kidding. You have blood money. If you want to ever come over and watch the first wives club we can get Panera Bread cookies and that’s all if have to offer you…and my friendship.

Here we go. Let’s start this show.

Episode 119: "Curating the Linens"

2014-11-26T02:13:19Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-25T22:51:55Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 119: "Curating the Linens"]]
|June 14, 2013
|pending

|-
|[[Episode 120: "We're all Smart"]]
|June 21, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 121: "Silverdollar Pancakes"]]
|June 28, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 122: "Rosie's Meds"]]
|July 5, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 120: "We're All Smart"

2014-11-25T22:47:45Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Hello everybody. It Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.

I’m not going to lie to you, I am really ready. I’m so tired. I’m so tire that I’m tempted to call myself tired as in, “Mommy’s so tired.” Which means I should stop while I have the wherewith all to know that is unacceptable. I had a really great time these last couple of days on stage at Joe’s Pub doing Too Gay for Brooklyn. It was so fun. Thanks to all who came out to the show. Cabaret huh? Who knew? Who knew that wearing a gown and observing things over a piano music bed and a live setting would come so naturally? It was so fun.
Do you know who came to the second show? Marilee Wilson- Greeting from a black woman in Hallifax, Nova Scotia. She’s the person who set that template up, the meme I guess. To be honest most of the emails I get from you start greetings from a gay man something something. I’m not complaining. It’s Pride Month everybody. I have never been prouder to celebrate Pride Month.

I’m not dealing with the fact that James Gandolfini is dead and I don’t intend to. I found out about it right after last night’s show. Spoony looked at his phone and said James Gandolfini died. I said what? Then I drank a glass of white wine like a marathon runner would. What’s the first thing a marathon runner drink when he or she crosses the finish line? Milk? I don’t know. It’s not like I knew the guy but I am in shock that one of our great actors is gone suddenly. I’m also thinking of it in terms of who are stars are. The fact that I consider him a great television actor and I don’t care about films anymore.
There was a piece going around in the Arts and Leisure section about how film stars don’t sell magazine covers anymore. I don’t feel like film stars sell films anymore. At least to me, I don’t care that Angelina Jolie is in a movie. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Angelina Jolie in anything, her leg—what are you? Where are you from? Or Julia Roberts, whenever I hear her voice, she on an insurance commercial or a bank. She seems like your cousin Claire or Sally. Give it a rest. I find films not elitist but sort of scarce. There are only five movies out and four of them are based on comic books. They are all over four hours long. I hate to be the grumpy gus about where movies are right now but the last time I saw a movie in the theater, oh I saw Frances ha, that’s a bad example, that’s the other side of the spectrum what bad things can happen when you’re not doing something based on a comic book.

I don’t know. James Gandolfini had such a specific resonance to any girl who loved her dad. The episode of the Sopranos that first got me to watch the Sopranos because originally the Sopranos was a show like Mad Men. Everyone said it’s so good you have to watch it. I got into it after Big Pussy was gone, that season. I fell in love with it and think it is the American novel you want to read. Mad Men is like the great American novel you have to read you liked it when you read it in High School or college but you’re not going to pick it up again. I remember liking it. I remember the Meadow college episode that someone who was still trying to sell me on the Sopranos told me about.

I actually remember it was my first job out of college 2000. I was working at the Museum of Television and Radio as a curatorial assistant. My colleagues were, of course, Sopranos happy. You have to be if you work there. They said you have to watch this one episode. I’d seen the pilot and it didn’t wow me. Ok, what do the ducks represent? What is this Holden Caufield kind of stuff? Obviously I saw his presence from a mile away. The superficial construct of the premise, the high concept was he is taking his kid to visit colleges but he also has a hit. He’s in one family but he’s also in another. You could gleam that from a poster but it was so much more. What it actually ended up showing was, I can’t choose an adjective, I’m not ready to. The way I am thinking about approaching the loss of that particular actor in a writerly way. It was a specific instance of masculinity up against a daughter of an age in which she has an anxious sexuality. I remember that line, maybe from that episode. Something about girls and their mothers-it’s always girls and their mothers. That whole show was a Greek tragedy, but it was so funny. It is so much funnier than Mad Men. Spare me Peggy imitating Groucho-like character in a pill box hat-oy.

I remember seeing Tony Soprano in the car with his daughter meadow and thinking this is tapping into something I have never seen before and it hits really close to home. I compared him to Brando on Twitter. I know it’s low hanging fruit but he was Nicholson for the television age. That’s what this is guys. Sorry for the film people. At this point saying you like film more than television is like saying, “I don’t have a television.” Or calling the internet the interwebs, which isn’t funny. I almost said anymore, but was it ever? Maybe once it was kind of funny. TV is better than movies, sorry.

I guess he was in two war movies, which were In The Loop and the Kathryn Bigelow one, Where in the World is Osama… Wasn’t that the title of Spurlock’s thing? Did he really make a movie called Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? He did right? What is it called? Zero Dark Thirty. Thank you brain and google fro remembering to type Jessica Chastain into the empty fields to keep track of other gingers. By the way, Jessica Chastain is in the ‘I’m Aware of Your Work’ category of the Redhead Hall of Fame. Connie Britton is firmly planted both feet in the RHOF. Anyway Zero Dark Thirty my favorite quotes are from James Gandolfini. I wasn’t crazy about that movie. Bu I love America. James Gandolfini had a line where he played Leon Pancetta, remember? He’s about to go into an elevator and he asks,”Does this woman know what she’s talking about.” in terms of whether or not Bin Laden is in that house. One of his advisors says, “She’s very smart.” As the elevator doors close he says, “We’re all smart.” I loved that line. I think of that line all time whenever someone is an asshole and then someone else says, “He’s really funny.” We’re all funny.
James Gandolfini, I guess I am dealing with it in a way, or I’m beginning to. He and Frances MacDormand may god protect Frances MacDormand. They’re America’s parents. They are our great actors. They are our Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson. It is sad to have lost our Nicholson. That’s a sad start to this week’s monologue. It’s what I am thinking about.
I have also started thinking about, this is kind of queer, no one likes hearing this phrase, my body. I’m trying to acknowledge the fact that I’m not just a brain on chubby stilts. I haven’t exercised in three or four weeks on a regular basis. Every once in a while I’ll go on the elliptical and listen to, what’s that Billy Joel song Laura. I feel like that was Billy Joel rolling up his sleeves and saying, you want the shitty Beatle? Here’s the shitty Beatles. Going to yoga, I don’t like talking about going to yoga, nobody like the person who talks about going to yoga. Being aware there’s something underneath my chin and neck besides the remainder of the breakfast sandwich. I have been feeling out of touch with my body. Then it gets hot, and I think ew, why am I hot? There’s no center there. You need to keep yourself company physically when you are able to. I have been working a lot. Also it’s still light out and it’s 9pm. What am I going to do with this information? I should probably stand up straight and walk. I’m going to take a walk. What if you don’t order Advil from the pharmacy? Isn’t NYC the best? You can just order—I need double A batteries (not for gross reasons), I have a Sonicare ok? How dare you. It’s not for my fanny as the British people would say.

Would British people say I had to put the baby’s fanny in a nappy? Is that something a weirdo would say about diapering his child.

Ok, oh yeah—get in touch with own body- check, I’m working on that.

I know you’re all probably thrilled that the new season of the Newsroom is coming up and it is going to take on occupy Wall Street. I’m sure you can all breathe a sigh of relief that Occupy Wall Street is going to be ‘mansplained to us at long last. What’s the difference between Aaron Sorkin and Neal Labute? Is it just that extra step of registering for an internet comment account or is it only the weight? I know you are dealing with a handsome guy and a goblin. There are so many different shades of misogyny. I could write a folk song about it if I were more whimsical. I feel like I have the edge of a New Waver. That’s what you say right? A new Wave Person? New Wavers sounds like it was the form of a Snackwell cookie. I have the edge of a New Waver but the inertia of a Prog Rocker, who wants to date me? It’s too long for a handle please choose a different one.

How about Yoga Girl, oh that one has been taken. Really? Yes by the most interesting woman in the world, here’s Kathy! Hey guys, I’m Kathy, I’m just trying out online dating. It’s an adventure. My whole life is an adventure. I think it more of a journey. I love my friends. I love my life. I love my job which I’ll tell you more about in person. I love meeting new people. I’m obsessed with my tiny dog. Favorite Shows: Mad Men, The Office, Gossip Girl, RIP. Favorite thing to do: hiking.

Ugh, I get so tired when people talk about things that I don’t… that don’t involve me…pretty much. Things I can’t connect to. I like traveling ok, but I’m mostly thinking about the hotel room on the other end of it to be perfectly frank. There’s a certain amount of anxiety to an open day in a strange location especially if there is nobody I’m fucking at the other end of it. Even then you are like oh really, I’m going to see him, I can’t wait to go to a museum together. I’m an inside girl in an outsiders world. Adventure in general, I find a little distasteful. I find it a little bawdy. It’s a little raucous. It’s not a question of uncontrolled versus contained it’s just unseemly I guess. Anything that involved gear, I should put it that way. I actually like taking a hike now and then as long as there’s not a rattlesnake bisecting my path.

Remember when that happened? I went to Los Angeles and was having a great time when all of a sudden a fucking rattlesnake crossed in front of me. It slithered in front of me. That was a lot of fun. Griffith Park, owned by snakes and enjoyed by screen writers. Anything that involves gear, here’s you nozzle get comfortable with it. After this we’ll give you your pack. Here’s your map. Now put on these…

No! Never. If I can’t do whatever the activity is in a maxi-dress, a cork wedge m and natural day makeup on, I don’t want to do it. That includes pilates. What else? I should really get more exercise. I’m not getting on one of those Citibikes.

A couple of people have tweeted me about wanting to get a photo of me on a Citibike. I hope you are not being perverted about it. Even if you are I’ll still take advantage of it. I am thinking of doing a fundraiser, like a tip Spoony fundraiser. If we can raise I don’t know three grand, $3000, then’ we’ll get a photo of me on a Citibike. In fact I’m going to put that on the table. If we can raise $3000 by July 17th I will actually take my credit card to a Cibike Station. I’ll run my credit card. I’ll run a Citibike for a day or an hour, however long it takes to have that abomination in your presence. I’ll pose on it. I’ll straddle it, I’ll actually straddle it. I’ll put my legs on either side of the seat and I will smile. I’ll smile on a Citibike if we raise three thousand dollars between now and July 17th. If you go to PayPal.com Donate Money, we reach our goal by July 17th you will get that in return. We’ll print T-shirts.

Rob Schneider has joined Jenny McCarthy in the crusade against vaccines. Great news. Paula Dean is racist and twitter went crazy about it. I don’t know, am I being an asshole when I say people are a little hard on Paula Dean. I’m not condoning using the n-word nor am I condoning attending a wedding tended to by slaves, but I feel like the CSI effect, which I read about in terms of how it applies to court cases. Juries aren’t going to send anybody to jail unless there’s DNA all over the body or in the case of rate they actually have physical evidence of it having happened in this very specific concrete way , I feel like that’s the case with racism too. I feel like we have a DNA effect—or I do when it comes to racism.
Paul Dean used the n-word and I respond, “Is there video.” Not that I don’t believe she uses the n-word every fucking time she wakes up between the bedroom and the bathroom where she brushes those—they have got to be blinding right? They are like dice without dots on them, those teeth. All I am saying is ha people really like attacking celebrity chefs except for Anthony Bourdain. I’m the only one who likes attacking Anthony Bourdain. I’m fine with that. I’m comfortable with that. He’s a blowhard. He’s the ultimate Gen X douche and I am completely comfortable being the person who carries that torch.

Paul Dean uses the n-word, allegedly by a staff member who worked at her oyster bar. It’s gross that she has an oyster bar in the first place. I don’t eat oysters but if I did I wouldn’t eat them at a stupid celebrity chef’s chain restaurant. People just went nuts on her. Same thing when she had diabetes. They went crazy about that too. I know it was ironic. It was so funny that the fat woman who makes fat people food had fat person’s disease. What am I saying? Am I defending her? Who cares? I will say it is not a surprise. Her whole thing is that she’s like Foghorn Leghorn with a blousy button down top that hides everything below the tit and a B+ wig. That’s her thing. That’s who she is. She’s a cartoon character the same way Guy Fieri is a cartoon character. I’m not pronouncing his last name like that. When these cartoon characters act cartoony you watch old cartoons.
Do you think there’s not a cartoon where Foghorn Leghorn isn’t setting a cross on fire? There is. I haven’t seen it. I am sure it was really funny at the time. You are saying I’m upset that this cartoon is acting cartoonishly-adverbs. It’s a little silly. That’s all. I said that to Billy Eichner. He said, “You are a racist sympathizer and you are basically the reader.” He called me the reader. I said Billy, my nipples are way pinker than Kate Winslett’s. She was bringing those out everywhere wasn’t she? That was her Oscar year right? She was like I am not leaving this year either without an Oscar or without everyone in the English speaking world having seen my tits. They are like silver dollar buckwheat pancakes. Kate Winslett’s beautiful. I’m not ariola-snarking this early in the day.

Speaking of celebrity chefs, Nigella Lawson had been photographed in public…

By the way I am against racism; I want to get that on the record. I love black people. I talk about black people too much. I do love black people and I’m against people who don’t. You shouldn’t use that word especially if you are white and are a public figure. That’s just my philosophy. Nigella Lawson, celebrity chef was photographed in public being choked by her husband, fiancé, Charles Saatchi, rich guy. I was horrified at how turned on I was seeing those photos. Come on it’s a joke, joking is sexy. Just don’t take it to that level Bruce Carradine—is that who it was? Is it David Carradine? If you google either David or Bruce Carradine the first thing that comes up is a wiki on the Carradine family. This is helpful. Kill Bill right? He died choking himself. Who didn’t die choking himself? I know Michael Hutchins did. They’re all hot. David, David Carradine, rest in peace.

Anyway choking is sexy as long as you don’t go crazy. On that note, I read an interview. I didn’t read an interview, I don’t have that much time, I saw it on D-listed. It was an interview with Armie Hammer. He said he doesn’t pull his wife’s hair in bed because she’s a feminist. I thought how have feminists suffered already? We have to have boring sex too? Come on Armie Hammer. Put your arm and hammer into it. That’s funny.

That’s funny. I’ll audition for SNL with that character. She’s a stand up and she whines about how things are funny after every joke. It’s pun-based. My SNL audition is going to be me explaining premises to Marcia Klein in a closet and it’s podcasted. The more I do other people’s podcasts the more I realize that podcasting is a way of holding people socially hostage. Come over to my place. Get in front of this microphone. I’m going to talk at you for an hour and you can’t leave. What if I have to go the bathroom? Can you be fast? You can’t wrap up that conversation when the mics are lives buddy unless a publicist is giving you the old blinkety blink. That’s happened to me.

If I could spin a yarn of all the publicists that have given me the wrap it up sign I’d have a memoir that would blow the sock off your dick Anthony Bourdain.

Guys I’m going to introduce the guest and start the show. We have two great guests this week..

Episode 120: "We're All Smart"

2014-11-25T22:44:28Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-11-25T02:15:53Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sklar-talk-ep-128 128]
| Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reorganization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. I think AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ted-leo-ep-122 122]
| "Ladies when Tom Waitts dies he’s going to be buried in a graveyard and you are going to want to hang out during the day to meet the cool dudes that visit his gravestone to leave their journals."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/gillian-jacobs-ep-121 121]
| On the discipline of writing "You have to fall through the floor before the walls cave in. It’s a timing issue."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-11-25T02:11:55Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sklar-talk-ep-128 128]
| Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reorganization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. I think AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ted-leo-ep-122 122]
| "Ladies when Tom Waitts dies he’s going to be buried in a graveyard and you are going to want to hang out during the day to meet the cool dudes that visit his gravestone to leave their journals."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/gillian-jacobs-ep-121 121]
| Julie on the discipline of writing "You have to fall through the floor before the walls cave in. It’s a timing issue."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-25T00:28:19Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 120: "We're all Smart"]]
|Julne 21, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 121: "Silverdollar Pancakes"]]
|June 28, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 122: "Rosie's Meds"]]
|July 5, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-25T00:27:45Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 120: "We're all Smart"]]
|Julne 21, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 121: "Silverdollar Pancakes"]]
|June 28, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 122: "Rosie's Meds"]]
|July 5, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 122: "Rosie's Meds"

2014-11-24T14:23:16Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcripts */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcripts==

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your week.

I am 35, out of the demo, no longer 18-34. If you’re an advertiser you don’t give a fuck about me. It’s a relief frankly. God. I don’t need another ad exec ringing my doorbell asking me my opinions on things. How do you want your man to smell? Do you like this new animated series on Comedy Central? Wait, don’t go anywhere.

Let me get this out of the way first and foremost. You guys really stepped up to the plate in terms of wanting to see me on a Citibike. We have this thing. I don’t know how much money we raised last week. I think it was pathetic, like $200. As you know for $3000 I will pose on a Citibike. I will take a photo of myself on a Citibike showing a bra strap. This week you guys sent in $1382 which is unbelievable. One of you has to write me and tell me how far we are from our goal. I think we are half-way to our goal of me getting on a Citibike and taking a photo of myself on one. Then one of you will needlepoint it. It will be Jimmy Jazz’s pillow. That’s exciting, so thanks for that and the birthday greeting.

Also the How was your week family is a very tight-knit family. We love each other more than anyone in the world has ever felt love. There’s going to be a new addition to the How Was Your Week family, a baby edition. Spoony and his lovely wife are having a baby!! It is exciting. There is going to be a little Spoony or Spoonerina in the universe. We could not be more thrilled. Mazel Tov Spoony.

I did Karaoke with Hotlips Houlihan. That was exciting. We’re not pair bonding were group bonding at the How Was Your Week cult headquarters. I’ve expressed my intentions in the past to be the first female cult leader, on a grand scale. Rosie O’Donnell was up to the task. I’m curious about Rosie’s Meds. Rosie’s psychotropics would be the OWN version of Roseanne’s nuts. Roseanne-Rosie…Don’t combine the two ever, please. If there’s anyone thinking of doing that go instead with my idea of Lorraine Bracco and Patti Lupone just drinking wine for an hour. Call it “We don’t Give a Fuck” somewhere James Gandolfini will be smiling. Do that instead.

Yes, Rosie O’Donnell would have been a good cult leader as far as her commitment to fringe causes and her ability to fill the air with her words. I can do that. It’s really just about sometimes people have enough emphatic crazy that it makes up for charisma, or good hair. You can say what you want about Rosie O’Donnell; she has really good thick hair. What’s her new wife like? She’s probably completely normal right? When it comes to crazy people and you have a relationship the other person involved with the crazy person is never crazy. That’s sarcasm everybody. There’s no such thing as one crazy person in a relationship. Never tell someone, he’s crazy but his wife is totally normal. No she’s not, she’s not. No, no, no.
Could we institute a vacation where I unfollow comedians’ girlfriends on twitter for a week? Is that something we can all agree to do? They’ll notice. Some people will some’ people won’t. Look, it’s no secret that I’m a professional in the comedy universe and that I am a female person. That makes me special. Like Matilda, I’ll talk about that in a second, I saw the musical. I thought it was fantastic.

A lot of my peers in the podcasting community are men. They have lady friends, unless they’re gay in which case I have no complaints. I end up hanging out with their gal pals and becoming friendly. Then there’s the dinner where I think why am I at the children’s table? I don’t want to come across like I’m not a girl’s girl, so I follow them on twitter. The point is I’m really glad that you’re at the gym.

The highlight of my week, my month, my life, your life is that Julianne Moore tweeted me Happy Birthday Now Julianne Moore has been following me on twitter for a couple of months. It’s been life changing. When I say life I mean your life and my life and life in general. Julieanne Moore has a sway over…maybe it is different for people who are redheads but I don’t think it is. I mention her to other humans and the ones among us who are culture, which is to say, we read for pleasure or I don’t know we know stuff. They will become overwhelmed. That’s the normal response. Julianne Moore is everything.

She, as I mentioned, looks like ever single painting and sculpture in one perfect, perfect meaning freckled shoulders, imperfect but perfect. I saw the preview for the new Carrie with Chloe Moretz, Julianne Moore’s hair in that, breath taking. Grace Coddington realness, served with a side of Betty Buckley, she did the role of the mom in Carrie the musical. That’s trivia that will come up on a first date. I have discussed how I don’t know how to date. There are certain things you shouldn’t dwell on when you are talking to straight guys who you are trying to not disgust. It comes down to specific song titles. It comes down to am I talking about Sunday in the Park with George too much or for too long? Does anybody want to hear my opinion about assassins? The answer generally is yes, but anybody whose dick you’d like to be hard in the next…I’m not going to be self-deprecating I know I’m a pretty girl. I’m an attractive woman but there is an element of haggery I guess.
I accept myself. I’m not struggling with being ok with being myself. I’ve accepted the fact that there’s not an alternative. I guess I’m saying it’s interesting to learn thing even when you feel like you’re an old dog and some ones trying to teach you a new trick.

Was it Treach from Naughty by nature who was dating Pepa? Pepa must be amazing in bed. Can we establish that? Can we all agree with each other on how great in the sack Pepa has got to be? Salt not so much. Spindarella is a freak in the sack too. Salt is Christian now, the Christian that ruins all the fun, the Christian who you are about to go on tour…I saw that VH One show where Salt was Cheryl had some problem with some of the lyrics in Shoop because it goes How does it hang? She said, “I don’t want to say that, it’s none of my business how another man hangs besides my husband.” This is not a good advertisement for Christianity. Meanwhile Pepa was at a poker game with all dudes being terrific and broad shouldered. Was Pepa the original Nene Leakes? In terms of a lot of things don’t get touchy, in terms of being broad shouldered, confident, a lot of fun, rocking short blond hair. Think about it. Think about it before you don’t think about it.

I am tired and I don’t feel well. I know it’s not fun to listen to a Jewish girl complain into a microphone who doesn’t have a Punchline. I’m speaking to you now, it’s late. It’s post fireworks July fourth last night I went out for my birthday with some of my beautiful dear friends, I did karaoke. I forgot to sing Harper Valley PTA and I feel like a fucking asshole today. I didn’t do ecstasy but I’m having that thing where the next day you are disoriented. What are my brain pleasure receptors doing today? Not what they should be. At first I thought, oh yeah, I’m hung over. Now I have symptoms—warm skin, stomach, the idea of doing anything besides lying down in air conditioning is appalling not appealing but tomorrow will be better.

I did not take ecstasy last night as I mentioned nor did I take Molly. MDMA is very hot this pride week. I got several texts from close friends of mine on…When was pride? Sunday last week. I guess I woke up on Monday and I got a bunch of texts that didn’t make any sense. There were some photos that I couldn’t make out at a bar, a lot of expressed love, a mention of Whoopi Goldberg’s outfit in For Colored Girls. A couple of gay men I am friends with had lewd encounters with Australians. I feel like Australian and MDMA and Australia this year have been…remember when they kept releasing a crop of movie one year about that runner? Who was it La Fontaine? Anyway everyone I know fucked at least more than one Australian at the same time.

I went to Toronto on Friday. I did Andrew Johnston’s show. It was so fun. I want to thank everyone on Toronto who came out to see me and either pretending convincingly, or actually believing that I am famous because (whispers) I’m not famous. I felt really appreciated at the theater Buddies in Toronto. You guys all say ‘sore-y’ and it’s hilarious. It is cute. You say ‘eh’ also. I was on their turf so I couldn’t stop and say, “oh my god you actually do that!” Thank you. It was so fun!

Speaking of Canadians we have Merilee Wilson coming up. She also has a Canadian accent. Part of the apeeal of travel is the human desire to contrast things. This is what I know. This is what I don’t know. This is what is different. There is something about the slightly unfamiliar, the bizarro version. I have xeroxed this photograph enough times so that my uncle has a mole. There’s something about the Canadian version of life that is just fascinating enough for people to not shut the fuck up about it—people meaning me. It’s new. It’s not the LA versus New York conversation. Even if you move to a different coast for some reason, after years and years and years, it never gets old. There was something about being in Toronto and having everything be just slightly different, slightly cleaner.

I was only there for a hot minute, but it was interesting how you can inhale and taste urban planning and civil services, and what if everything that people thought about when they were designing a college applied to a city? It seemed like people thought about things more. It was also recent, maybe the 60s. People decided, “Hey let’s make Toronto.” Ok. Then they said, “Is that ok with you?” SO funny, my humor about how people are different than me. Did you get that? It was subtle. I was doing a Canadian accent.

I saw Matilda. I LOVED Matilda. I was treated by a very kind friend of the show, Robbie. She took me with her adorable daughter who is 10, her name is Poppy. Poppy is awesome. Poppy has really cool hair, some of it is purple, some of it is blue, some of it is blond. Robbie and Poppy took me to see Matilda. They’d seen it before. They’re big fans. I was so good. I want to see it again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I have been listening to the score. Tim Minchin wrote the score. Tim Minchin is an Australian comedian. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have sex… there was a trend…a lot of texts.

It was like Fleet Week. When you come on an Australian guy’s asshole does the come go counter clockwise? I saw a charming musical with to charming people that has nothing to do with the pride detail I couldn’t help myself from disseminating.

Let me start this story from the beginning. Matilda is written by a godless man named Tim Minchin. He’s brilliant. I don’t know his stage work. I remember when he was doing stuff in New York. He and Daniel Kitson were in New York and everyone said you’ve got to see him. I didn’t. He’s brilliant. He wore eyeliner. He doesn’t believe in god. Ok. Then Matilda came out and I knew he wrote the music and lyrics and I thought, ok, maybe they’re clever. It’s the unfamiliar again. Especially with music, people want a point of reference. Then they get bored because they’ve heard it before, unless they JUST heard it before and your brain wants to hear it over and over again because it’s new. I know that I like it. When you hear something you like you’re eager to listen to it again and then it is no longer new.

There is also the thrill of falling in love. New music is an intangible, I feel like musicians do fall in love. You can’t own a person because he’s about to go on tour, or be distracted for a few months, or just needs to take it really really slow. That makes you want it more. That’s kind of a relationship with music when music is good that I have. Oh my god, where did this song come from? I want to possess it. So I listen to it over and over again until I do sort of possess. Then I take it for granted.

Whenever I find new music, and I am probably making something more out of Matilda than I should be, when you find new music that I like, that I love, it always seems impossible. Maybe because falling in love is so hard, at least with me. I’m very picky. When I find somebody I like I think how is this possible? Maybe there is a resistance as you get older to discovery, curiosity or anything new. Even though new isn’t the same as change. We are resistance to new. All of the musicals are based on something we know. Even though they are based on something we know, we don’t know the songs. Those songs aren’t “oh What a Beautiful Morning” which no one wants to hear. Are we on the same page? Even at a piano bar, the 80 year old gay guy who survived all of his friends dying, can we establish that he does not want to hear Oh What a Beautiful Morning? Maybe he’d like to hear Surrey with a Fringe on Top. I’d like to hear Surrey with a Fringe on Top right now.

Anyway, the score to Matilda really blew me away and my only complaint about it is that it is too brief. Which is silly, it’s not really a complaint. It was very smart, very clever. There is a lot of stuff with letters and words and playing around with internal rhymes. A lot of Sondheim-y stuff. The stuff with the letters reminded me of if Demetri Martin’s work was about human emotion somehow. That is going to be the pull quote, it is going to be really big on the posters. Demetri Martin could feel feelings. Come on in. It’s written by a godless Australian.

It’s almost like XTC dense which is probably not cool. If you’re interested in my talking about musicals you probably don’t give a shit anyway. I learned recently that XTC aren’t cool. I don’t want to talk about who said it, it’s just something I have been thinking about. I don’t care. I love XTC, but they’re not cool. I know their lyrics are a bit much. I didn’t know their whole thing. They Might Be Giants have turned a corner, they’re cool now. I’m just putting that out there. They Might Be Giants new album is great. That first song, You’re on Fire, I believe is about redheads.

What else do I want to say about Matilda? I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the legacy, the future generations going forward will not be able to tell the difference between Roald Dahl and Tim Burton. I am worried about that because they are different. Roald Dahl was a writer. Tim Burton is a stylist with no doubt a sweat shop of hot topic employees that didn’t get the gig. “So what are we doing? We’re putting Helena Bonham Carter in a corset? What are her tights going to be? Black and white horizontal stripes?” We are not as artists…we don’t go down for influence. It’s not a quantity contest. It’s not like Tim Burton made a few really great movies let’s say, Peewee, Beetlejuice, Ed Wood… then Mars Attacks, Big Fish- oy! What was my point?

Legions and legions and legions of people love Tim Burton. His influence has been enormous. But that’s not how we judge artists. Roald Dahl was an incredible writer with a unique imagination, sense of humor, and the ability to tap into childhood id, pre-hormone darkness, a playful darkness. He was grounded in a specific whimsical macabre the stuff of fascination. He only freaked me out twice when I was growing up. I read everything Roald Dahl wrote for kids, when I was growing up. The only time he lost me was in his autobiography he wrote Boy. He talked about the doctor removing the roof of his mouth. It was very graphic. That was upsetting.

Also the story the Swan from the Henry Sugar Book. Holy Shit Roald Dahl. You could not use your power for evil in that way to a child who cannot deal with bullying or animals being hurt. That was unfair. I have read a little about Roald Dahl and he’s not crazy about Jews, so there’s that. Pobody’s Nerfect. He a said something like Hitler wasn’t all bad. I’m not doing the Jim Morrison vigil. I’m not going to Roald Dalh’s gravestone and taking a photo of myself.

Tom Waitt’s isn’t dead, although when that happens… Ladies when Tom Waitts dies he’s going to be buried in a graveyard and you are going to want to hang out during the day to meet the cool dudes that visit his gravestone to leave their journals and a feather with significance to take a photo to put on ok cupid and Facebook. Those are going to be the hottest dudes in the world and you should be under their trench coats and beneath their fedoras to run a finger through their oily hair and other stereotype details…to be continued later…

I have more thoughts about Matilda. I thought it was brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I had a couple of questions about atheism in relationship to fate. There’s a song in there where Matilda talks about how she doesn’t understand why people in the books she reads don’t just change their story, why if Romeo and Juliet are destined to die maybe they could not get involved. I don’t know if that is something universally that atheists choose not to believe in. I know fate is connected to order. Order is connected to a being pulling strings, and that bothers atheists. They like talking about the notion of the watchmaker theory of the universe. God created the universe like somebody who made a watch. Then they disappear but the watch works on its own (sometimes you have to take the watch in to get rewound) As far as there being something prewritten, I didn’t know that atheists had as much of a problem with that as Bill Mahr does with women who are not prostitutes.

Should I start the show or should I talk about how there’s too much Josh Gad in everything I see lately? Let’s take a break from Josh Gad being in every preview. I also wanted to mention briefly that I began a conversation last night with Rob Sheffield, whose new book about karaoke is coming out soon and you must purchase it. It’s called Turn Around Bright Eyes. Let’s put I pin in that…

I began to start talking about sitcoms and comparing them to bands. I am going to work towards illuminating that more in the future. I’m just going to say that Cheers is the Beatles. Don’t give me any guff. Cheers is the Beatles. Cheers is the Beatles, Cheer sis the Beatles. Sheffield wanted to know if that made Frasier the Plastic Ono Band, the answer is no. Frasier is something else. Mash is Pink Floyd; Daniel Ralston had a good point about that. Rob thought Seinfeld was the Talking Heads but that’s not true, no. No, no, no. We’re going to figure this out. We’re going to crack it. Yes, Will and Grace is the B52s. We’re on this. This is going to be a thing. Just note that.

I want to recommend a couple of things that I saw, and did, and read. People like that. I’m not working, I’m funemployed. I have been going to see stuff and had time to read stuff. I finished Marie Calloway’s book. It was completely intense. I had a lot of emotions reading it. It is called What Purpose did I Serve in Your Life. I recommend it. It is very provocative. It is a conversation starter. I saw a documentary called, A Band Called Death. I loved it. I cannot recommend it enough. I saw The Assembled Parties, which was great. I sat in the row in front of Judd Apatow. I tweeted him, he didn’t tweet back. That’s his business.

I appreciate you guys very much. I am going to start the show…

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-11-24T13:44:58Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sklar-talk-ep-128 128]
| Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reorganization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. I think AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ted-leo-ep-122 122]
| "Ladies when Tom Waitts dies he’s going to be buried in a graveyard and you are going to want to hang out during the day to meet the cool dudes that visit his gravestone to leave their journals."
|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}

Episode 122: "Rosie's Meds"

2014-11-24T13:42:01Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcripts==

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-11-24T13:41:04Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sklar-talk-ep-128 128]
| Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reorganization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. I think AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-122 122]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."
|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-22T23:15:15Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 122: "Rosie's Meds"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-22T23:12:42Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 123: "Rosie's Meds"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Pending
|-

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"

2014-11-22T23:09:00Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Hello everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was your Week.
Are we enjoying our summers? Oh, no, is it too hot? Oh god, it’s too hot! What’s happening? The earth is on fire. Didn’t we listen to channel Z? Did we not heed the warnings that Fred Schneider lobbed at us in his way? Oh god. I’m done.

Do you know what also is done? My skin. My skin is unhappy. I have all kinds of things goin gon. Speaking of Fred Schneider. He’s still tweeting about the Bush Cheney regime. He and Matthew Lesko, the guy who wears that question mark suit, if they switched places in life…I guess what I am asking si would you mind? Would you care? Would you leave a note?
What’s going on with my life this week? The official Stagedoor Podcast is following me on twitter. That’s something. First of all Stagedoor Manor has a podcast. What is Stagedoor Manor? It is a performing arts camp. I personally went to Belvior Terrace. As far as I am concerned Stagedoor Manor people are scum. They are scum of the earth. They are all human garbage. I’m just kidding, I don’t care. I will say that there is a unique snobbery among people who are essentially the same. I have been watching Long Island Princesses and I talked about this in the past.

I am a West Chester girl. I grew up in Scarsdale. People in Scarsdale look down on people in Great Neck and I guess vice versa. We’re the ones who have the right to do it because there are no West Chester Princesses on television that is. There was an article about different Real Housewives across the world. They had a comment from some French person who said, “Of course our women would not be so classless to appear on a show like that.” Please, the French. Do the French have a sense of humor? I don’t think they do or if they do it is at the expense of a disabled person.I watched some of that original Dinner for Schmucks. It wasn’t called that in French. Maybe it was called Dinner for Jews, they are not crazy about us. What a fool, he has a hobby. It was weird. It was not funny. The idea that they are above the Real Housewives Franchise is nauseating and unacceptable.

The Long Island Princesses started out this week by apologizing for 9/11 but not exactly. What happened was that Amanda, who is Garfieldish in that her eyes are at a constant half-mast, is very in love with her boyfriend Jeff as we’ve established. Jeff is not gay. I fielded this query from people. I know that you think he is gay. If you think he is gay you have never met an effeminate Jewish man exactly like Jeff. Go to shul. I have met so many. There’s a difference between effeminate and gay. He’s just a particular type. He would fit in with the Oh, Hello Guys. Trust me on this. Jeff is not gay,. Jeff and Amanda are more in love than I have ever seen a couple be.

Amanda disgraced a war hero essentially, but it was a firefighter which was so much worse, it was a statue of a firefighter. She is an entrepreneur and is selling a drink cozy which is completely necessary. She held up a drink to the statue of a firefighter in a park on Long Island and and it was a disgrace. They have since edited that scene out which is a little bit like defacing the Mona Lisa but who’s counting? This week’s episode started with white text on a black screen just like the beginning of Magnolia.

I don’t remember the beginning of Magnolia to be completely honest. I know Patton Oswalt was in it and there was narration. You thought, oh is this what this movie is about? All of a sudden it wasn’t. But it was beautiful.

I watched this week’s episode of Long Island Princesses, white text on black Bravo deeply regrets disgracing firefighters who risk their lives every day and 9/11 will always be with us. And now we present the twin towers of Judaism, ladies and gentlemen… I like Chanel. I think Chanel is smart. I think Chanel would not be a great podcast guest for that reason. I think she would be not quite smart enough and not quite dumb enough to be interesting and fun. Here’s who I would like to have on the podcast, Amanda and Jeff. Would I watch them make love? Absolutely. Absolutely, who among us is in a place to say they would not watch two people who want to have sex have sex? Do you know what I mean? If they are enjoying it and they are passionate, isn’t that everything? No, but it beats porn.

I have an attitude towards porn that is very conflicted. I don’t watch a lot of porn. When I do watch porn I feel terrible about myself because it runs contrary to my values as a feminist. This is also probably if not definitely about the porn I watch which is all disgusting. It’s not ok. I guess the parallel would be if I were a vegan or a vegetarian and an animal rights person and I watch videos of people making veal. It’s unacceptable. Like I said, in the stuff that I watch women are not respected. So my question to you, this is only for women, I don’t want any links form men, I don’t care if you’re gay. I don’t care if you are confined to an iron lung. Please, men, never email me about porn ever.
Are there feminist porns that are not stupid, or silly or story-based? You are just going to send me a link to a book aren’t you? Books. Books not looks. Yum… that bourbon hits the spot. I am very grateful to be back in the company of my side-kick Mr. Clinky Clinky. The ice cubes have melted at this point.

New York City could really step up its AC. I walked past and Old Navy. Old Navy had its game down. Is that a thing people say? Old Navy knew what they were doing because I walked past it and it was blasting and I got a little chill. I would never go in there. Come on. That would be a good contest. What could you buy at Old Navy that wouldn’t make Tim Gunn want to throw tomatoes at you? A pair of underpants. I have no idea. Then he’d criticize your foundation. A good foundation is the stepping stones to any outfit. The inconsistent air-conditioning in New York City is one of my many problems that aren’t problems.

I also have been grappling with a couple of things. Lea Remini is no longer a Scientologist which makes her less of a punching bag than she was, which is complicated, but mostly I just resent having to think about it. There’s a clip of Dustin Hoffman talking and crying about Tootsie and how he understands ugly girls. I love Dustin Hoffman. I love Tootsie. People should be passing anything around in regard to that movie it should be the interview that Teri Garr gave the AV Club years ago. It was a Random Rolls with Teri Garr. She talked about improvising the part where she was stuck in the bathroom at the beginning at the party. She also takes absolutely no prisoners in talking shit about people she’s worked with and talking about sexism. She’s a flawless bad ass, I wish that was being passed around.
The long holiday weekend is ostensibly over. It was basically a week. The July 4th holiday just bled into days and days,is it time for food? I mentioned this before. I am not a good babysitter. Porn and Lucky Charms? It’s not good. I’m one of these people that have to hit rock bottom. Not writing becomes unbearable so then I write and then writing becomes unbearable. People who like writing can go fuck themselves, basically. I am writer. I am a rock. I am telling you that next week I’ll do my writing. This week I did some shopping. What did I get? I got a seam-ripper. I keep singing Day Tripper when I think about my seam ripper. If you get vintage clothing sometimes there’s a lining. You don’t want a lining against your body. Yuck!

Remember when I asked you to send me porn before? Never send me porn. Women, don’t do it. Don’t even be discreet. Look, I came up in the 90s I know all about post-feminist pro-sex. No one was ever against sex. Porn is complicated. Your Toys in Babeland demonstrations are terrific to some extent, but they make me uncomfortable. I’m putting that out there. I am standing by it. I am a sex-positive feminist. I think your dildo parties are weird. I’m sorry. I’m going to go ahead and say it. Everyone in Portland just shut this off. They said, “I’m going to listen to the Muffs.” You go ahead, but I stand by the fact that girls sitting around talking about vibrators is weird. Whether it’s a bachelorette party or on the lower east side from a woman that has Wil Wheaton’s haircut from ’87, it’s not my thing. I have never really felt like that part of the lady business, feminism is a rainbow… Toys in Babeland...What’s the other one? Adam and Eve.

We’re not taking sponsors. We’re not taking commercials on the podcast, at least not right now. If we do we’re only going to advertise sex toys and Spoony is going to read the copy. That’s it. I’m going to put that out there.

Speaking of other podcast business we are just short of $500 to get to our goal to get me on a Citibike and take a photo with my bra strap showing. So if you want to go to PayPal.com enter Klausnerama@gmail.com and send money. I think we are $483 short. I will also add that, I hate to make this a moving target, but we also have to raise enough to cover the cost of renting a Citibike for a day. I think that’s $10. So I’m going to go ahead and say we are $493 short. Let’s rectify this so I can humiliate myself on a Citibike.

I saw a couple of documentaries over the holiday weekend that I wanted to recommend to you. One is A Band Called Death. It is a fantastic documentary. The other is called The Source Family. I think a couple of you have recommended it to me. It’s about a cult. It was the most late-sixties early seventies, most LA, most cultish cult that you’ve ever heard of. Rachel Lichtman, DJ Rotary Rachel originally told me about this movie. I finally got around to renting it. It is a crime that it did not come with an accompanying catalogue so that I could buy all of those maxi-dresses. Not the ones they were wearing because those had pubic lice to the nines. What a style. I guess Alloy Entertainment has a catalog. They also produce gossip girl. This is all shop talk. The Source Family was a cult. There’s a guy named Jim Baker who killed two men with Judo chops. I pray he said, “Judo Chop” before doing it.

He grew out his hair to look like Santa Clause and he had a café called the Source Café on Sunset and Sweets. That is the same café where Woody Allen orders sprouts with a side of mashed yeast in Annie Hall. I guess John and Yoko were there. The menu looked disgusting. They showed it, in this doc, the menu. It had The Harvest Salad, the High Protein Salad. All of those salads, I’m convinced, beyond ecoli, those salads caused AIDS. Those salads were the patient zero of food. They said there were good looking waiters and waitresses and there were photos of these braless chicks with a full feather in their hair. It wasn’t a pretty. Clearly it was a feather that came off of a dirty rat bird like a pigeon from a Vaughn’s parking lot; she just tacked it in there. As I mentioned pubic lice, scabies to the nines, I would not know what to order if you took me there. “I’m good.” “Really? Do you want an ice tea or almond milk?” “No, I’m ok, thanks.” “How about carrot juice?” “Get away from me; I’m uncomfortable with this entire interaction.” I guess John and Yoko ate there, and Steve McQueen who was very handsome, who I would take over Robert Redford in a minute.

So the guy who owned the restaurant started a cult. Then during the cult years he wrote the Ten Commandments, that a man and a woman are each other’s and that bond shall not be broken. Then guess what? He broke the bond by fucking a bunch of teenagers and takes many wives. His poor wife, her feelings were hurt. My point is that the 60s were gross. There’s nothing free love about being a fucking pig. The truth is when I watch any kind of counterculture or mainstream culture or documentation of that era. It’s just disappointing to me that the feminist revolution which followed the sexual revolution wasn’t more violent. On one hand you have the Mad Men, the whiskey of it all. On the other hand you have this dip stick who decided he should start calling himself god. Thank god the Manson’s killed people. Landlords could say, “How about you skedaddle.” They were all pigs. They were all disgusting pigs. If they had died in Viet Nam it would have made things easier for certain women.

There was band at one point. They interviewed Billy Corgan about it. He said, “Yeah the Source Family band.” Thanks Billy Corgan. They had gigs playing in high schools. What principal was asleep at the when they decided that this would be educational? I was texting about this with Lichtman. She said that at the very most it would be a warning to stay in school. Can you imagine? You’re a third grader—class we have a special assembly, a couple of young men from a cult that I believe live in Glendale. I hate to spoil the ending but the cult leader dies. I guess he jumps off a cliff without a parachute. He died as he lived, surrounded by screaming girls.

Speaking of the feminist revolution not being more violent, it got me thinking, there is a disappointing lack of estrogen in the cult community. I have said this for years; there has never been a female cult leader, and I feel really shitty about that. I have decided to go ahead and take this upon myself. So once we raise enough money to get me on a city bike, I have decided to start a cult. Here’s what I am thinking. These will be the terms. Most of it will involve cooking for me. If you are in my cult I’ll give you a list of meals. They’re simple meals. I don’t like things that are fancy. If you make me anything that looks like it was on top chef and you stand there with your hands behind your back and deliver a monologue about it, I don’t want it.

I don’t want any roué. This is what I like: I like a baked potato, obviously I like pasta, a barbecue night would be nice, grilled meats with salad. We’ll discuss it. Mostly it will involve cooking for me. Other cult members responsibilities include braiding my hair, that’s culty right? That’s in line stylistically with the things you are used to. Braiding my hair, doing my hair, you can pay for extensions by asking your family for money. No fucking—I don’t want any cult members fucking me. That’s not what I am interested in. I think it’s weird. It doesn’t make sense. That won’t be an issue. Maybe you’ll get people from the outside world. You don’t have to tell them what they are coming there for. You’ll be my wingmen. There’ll be more, I just can’t think of them off-hand. Mostly it’s braiding my hair, cooking for me, and not fucking me.

I guess I have my feminist hat on. I was thinking about the Robin Thicke video. I hadn’t seen it. Not to name drop but Jean Grae had me and our pal Jodi over to her home. We ate dinner. She cooked a beautiful salmon. Salmon is good. I like rice-sticky rice, chocolate chip cookies—anyway, Jean Grae asked if I’d seen the Robin Thicke video? I said, I don’t know, I can’t watch it. She described it to me. She said the models are butt naked-I saw the uncensored one. It’s so gross and stupid. People are saying, “It’s ironic.” No erections are ironic. It was depressing to see generationally how young men, not that young, remember Simply Irresistible and they are trying to emulate that in a cool club culture way. It’s not funny. It’s not cool. Is Terry Richardson your Andy Warhol? That’s depressing. The idea that you paid models to show up and take their clothes off is not impressive. That’s what models do. They show up and wear or don’t wear what you tell them to as long as you pay them. That doesn’t make it cool or funny or interesting.

That they actually spelled out Robin Thicke has a big dick at the end is the ultimate… When you have a kid and you want to hire a birthday party entertainer to be like everybody in the room is very nice, Julie the birthday girl is the smartest and the prettiest. Imagine if that translated. That patronizing attitude towards someone who …basically if you have to spell out in balloons that you have a big dick your dick must be enormous. Alan Thicke who is fascinating wrote a lot of jingle which is important for you to google. It’s not just Growing Pains money that his child comes from, also most importantly their last name is Thicke which is the grossest weirdest thing I have ever had to think about.

I did some studio work this week. I laid down some tracks with my pipes. I put on some cans and laid some tracks with my pipes for the Audio Book of Art Girls are Easy which is coming out soon I guess. It’s exciting. I’m mentioning this because people have asked m, my book, Art Girls are easy is available as a paperback and an ebook. If you google that you can buy my YA novel if you like.

The Charles Saatchi Nigella Lawson saga is fascinating to me because I wonder if they are the white people’s Rihanna and Chris Brown in that I read Charles Saatchi was choking her in public. Oh, stop it. That is what it is. Jenny McCarthy is something people have been tweeting me about. She’s probably going to join the view. I will say this about the View, it is more interesting when a mentally insane person is on it. When Rosie O’Donnell was on the View that was appointment television. Tivo it, watch it when you get home….Oh you smoked a lot of pot at the point in your life, she’s a 9/11 Truther…That was great TV. Rosie O’Donnell is a unique broadcasting personality. Jenny McCarthy is a garbage person who actually has the blood of children on her hands. At least we know what her breasts look like. She paid for them which is a charming thing for a women to brag about.
Let’s start the show. We have one guest this week

Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"

2014-11-22T23:05:10Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"

2014-11-21T03:22:06Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Hello? Yes, this is she. What may I say this is regarding? Ok, but…ugh! That’s disgusting! Who gave you this number?

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.
That was my ‘I’m on the phone character.’ I’m delirious and it’s not cute. It’s very hot in New York City. I am not doing well in this heat. I don’t leave the apartment and yet I ‘m suffering. I saw my parents last night. We were walking one block. We were trudging like we were going off to the camps of something and my mother said, “We’re from Lithuania.” Got it.

She gave me seven bottles of water to take upstairs which I did and I have. It’s not unwise. She said in case of a black out. At first she asked, “Do you have enough water?” I said, “I have a tap.” Julie! I guess we could brown the grid. Is there anything worse than the term brown out? That’s where New York City is heading. We were just not made for these times. This city, which we’ve established will sink into the ocean, is not equipped for pretty much anything. Our subways are from olden times. The air conditioning is garbage which I complained about last week. If I was smart I would just be hanging out at Old Navy or Best Buy actually. Any chain store is going to have good air conditioning. So yes, I apologize in advance if my brain is a mushy bean.

Remember how people used to call your brain your bean? Am I making that up? I know noodle—do I know noodles. Where did that come from? Oh because of the kidney bean. That makes sense. Good job everybody.

This is public now, I can talk about it. On Monday I start Billy on the Street Season 3 which is so exciting, mostly for you because you get to enjoy entertainment for free. It’s high quality entertainment. The thing about Billy on the Street, which as you know, I work on, so I’m not objective. It’s one of the few shows that when it’s over you are disappointed and surprised. It goes by so quickly. The only other show I can say that about is the Muppet Show when I was 8, or 7, 6…all of the above. I remember watching the Muppet Show as a little girl and whenever they would show the orchestra in the pit, the musicians, not the Electric mayhem. They had member so the Electric Mayhem, but they had session guys. The credits would roll. Whenever I saw the musicians in the pit I got so sad. I knew the show was over.

I’m going to tell that one day to people who will smile. People who will be listening will think I understand her influences. That’s so cool. Ugh!! I hate it. I hate cool. It’s hard enough to tell if something is good, but then to go that step further. It XTC cool? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. I bet god knows because god thought that song Dear God was hilarious.

I feel like god collects…he has atheism’s greatest hits on a Spotify playlist. He plays Tim Minchin. Does Ricky Gervais write funny songs about there not being a god yet? I know that Penn Gillette was in that band Bong Water. Oh good, Julie’s mentioning Bong Water within five minutes of the opening monologue. This is going to be a great episode, really relatable. There have got be a lot of songs about how there is no god and isn’t it funny how stupid people are.

Look, some of my favorite people are godless.

I have been surrounding myself with a lot of media since I mentioned that next week I start at Billy, even though I have been unemployed for a couple of months now. When was I working on the Black Talk Soup? No one knows. My life is a blur. I have been treating this last week like I’m on vacation, even though it’s not any different from the week before. I am going to do what I want this week. I’m going to watch movies in the middle of the day. I’m going to eat pizza. Just dumb child-like ideas of what someone unattended to would pursue as leisure. Do you know what? It’s been a lot of fun! I’m going to pat myself on the back for having fun.

I have talked about this, not having enough fun. It’s been something—I’m not —not that I need an equation. I’m not Little Man Tate. What are you going to do? What do you want first? Fun, joy, or happiness? Bring them all out at the same time whenever they’re ready. Ok? Did I introduce myself?

I’m tipping 40% now. The great thing about doing that is that I am telling people about it. Everyone knows I’m a great person.

I have been watching a lot of movies. I talked about Matilda on the podcast a couple of weeks ago. I saw it and loved it. Tim Minchin who wrote the music and lyrics is an interesting comic from Australia. Our pal Michael Shulman lent me a DVD of his live stuff playing his songs. Michael also wrote a profile of him for the New Yorker which is definitely worth reading. Tim Minchin is a little complicated to me because there is some stuff he does that I like, there’s some stuff of his that really gets on my tits, and there’s some stuff that I straight up don’t like. There’s some stuff that is catchy. It’s tough because he’s from that school—do you call him a comedian? It’s performance art-y. I know Australia isn’t Europe but you know what I mean when I say he’s from the British Empire. Is that a thing? Is that something we can use as a point of reference when I talk about him and Eddie Izzard in the same breath? Eddie Izzard, Ricky Gervais, Daniel Kitson. I like him. He just talks. I like storytelling.

There’s a kind of one-man show that is very European. I guess what I am with Eddie Izzard. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t like Eddie Izzard. I have no problem with Eddie Izzard. If he came over, I’d probably love a chat. I think the reason I don’t like Eddie Izzard is that people I have known have pressured me into watching his stuff. Isn’t this great? That’s never effective unless you are dealing with a very shapeable mind like an adolescent and you’re an older brother who thinks the Doors are cool. Then you think the Doors are cool!

If you do comedy and you meet someone, worst case scenario who isn’t from this country/continent Canada, I see you Canada. I met this one guy from Spain. He was so hot. He did these beautiful illustrations. I should have fucked him but here’s the thing. I will never be able to love another person who grew up in another country because they don’t have the same pop culture literacy as I do. That shared experience is as important as religion is to other people. Isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that interesting that I could never love someone from another country? The reason why, not the fact of it?
So this guy from Spain knew I was into comedy and asked, “Do you like Eddie Izzard?” At the time I was thinking, I don’t have to date him but I could fuck him. That didn’t happen either. I wasn’t attracted to him to be completely honest with you. He was hot. He had skin that was like a whole fish you bake in salt and just put olive oil on. It was perfect. He liked Eddie Izzard. I don’t know, I’ve known a couple of other people who aren’t comedy fans but they like him. Especially if they are summarizing his bits or his points, it gets on my nerves. Tim Minchin kind of suffers from a little of that but because he’s musical hey look. Music really is the universal language, am I right? Fuck you laughter. I watched that.

Like everybody else I’m into Orange is the New Black. As annoying as it is when people get on twitter and say this is what I’m watching and I love it. It is annoying when you’re not watching it and when you are it is completely fine. I am heartened, I guess, by people getting addicted to a sort of narrative scripted story telling with characters and actors and writers. That’s always exciting. There’s always a novelty to that which is people still want old-fashioned television. Television to me is so great. At this point it is almost charming to say, “Wow, what’s going to happen with…

So Orange is the New Black had considerably hot lezzy action than I had been prepared for when I started watching it. Look, it is in a women’s prison, now I am broadcasting how dumb I am that didn’t see that coming but, yeah that first episode you were like “Awuga” Then you remember that you are watching it on Netflix which is on the internet. Netflix is on the internet. Hi everybody. Then you could probably watch the most sickening lesbian porn in two clicks. You guys don’t use the search bar when you are on a porn site do you? That’s a low I try to…

I’ve discussed my aversion to porn in general, my guilty participation as a viewer of it. I don’t do porn. I’m not participating in that way. I did some punch up for Game of Bones. It’s one thing to click around and it’s another to know what you are looking for and go into a porn site and type it in. You never know if the auto fill is going to come back if you are looking for a greenhouse in the area and you put ‘g’ and gangbang grannies or a sick thing for people. I don’t judge that stuff. I don’t judge porn categories as long as they cast people that are not traditionally beautiful. I’m kidding, those are every bit as dehumanizing.

I’ve been watching Orange is the New Black. I watched both of the Stepford Wives movies for this list I am writing. If you’ve never seen the original Stepford Wives you should watch the original Stepford Wives with Kathryn Ross who is achingly beautiful. She’s all angles and hair. Everything about her is how 1975 needed to look. She wears things that I try to wear. I do the best I can. I have a very different look. Beauty is what it is. She can go braless in ways that are like fine art. I find myself infatuated with the early 70s, 1972. Because Stepford Wives was shot in 1975, I’m all about 1975 now. I’m moving forward.

The idea that men would make robots that wore maxi-dresses, sunhats, and wrist gloves. They’re not opera gloves. Opera gloves are longer. What are those called? Hand gloves. I’ll call them hand gloves, the idea is funny right? Not unless it’s freaking you out. That movie is upsetting to me. I’m just going to go ahead and say it. When they are bulldozing Tina Louise’s tennis court because Tina Louise has been murdered and replaces with a robot who is submissive to her husband’s desire to have a pool instead of a tennis court, she’s gleefully saying, “I never needed the tennis court.” “But you love tennis.” I know that sounds like privilege problems, but it’s not. It’s disturbing. It’s upsetting to see a woman glibly acknowledge that her interests are nothing. That is horror. The comedy version of it, with Nicole Kidman, America’s favorite comedian, or Australia’s favorite comedian after Tim Minchin. Do you know what? After the platypus. Let’s put the platypus as #1, Nicole Kidman #2. Platypuses are so funny. They can kill you. Do you know they have a poison thumb? They have one claw, or maybe it’s their big toe. They have a claw and if you are stabbed by it, it releases poison. Basically at all times they this James Bond style pen filled with cyanide. They also look like furry ducks. I don’t want to bury the lead, about why platypuses are funny. I wish I could just hang out with one.

The Stepford Wives starring Nicole Kidman is uniquely disastrous. I remember seeing it in the movie theater and thinking it was absolutely terrible. I have since revisited it. Do you know what it is? It’s very Paul Rudnick-y. Paul Rudnick wrote it. Frank Oz directed it. Paul Rudnick writes a lot of Shouts and Murmurs for the New Yorker that involves anything Nora Ephron was going to write into a scene in You’ve Got Mail but decided was too hacky and a little too broad. Like women waiting on line at, not even Zabars, is it Eli’s Bread. Is that it? They say something about their daughter, and then a gay guy joins them, the kind of gay guy that makes jokes about Dolce and Gabana. I don’t know. It is a very specific sensibility. I think my parents probably think it’s hilarious. I think their contemporaries do.

I like Paul Rudnick, I just kind of dissed him, but I like his plays and I like that he exists. I like the 2004 remake, even though Nathan Lane wasn’t in it, he was basically in it. Roger Bart was in it and Kate Schindel, who is Miss America before she joined the cast of Legally Blond on Broadway. These are all interesting facts to me and Billy Eichner. Glenn Close has a speech at the end. Her character is the person who is in charge of masterminding the scheme. They really took liberties with the plot. She’s married to Christopher Walken. At the end she has a 25 minute soliloquy where she explains why she did it and how and how she still loves her husband. Her husband is a robot and she kisses his disembodied robot head, and he electrocutes her. That’s how she dies. I can see there being a couple of women named Susan and Phyllis who went to see it in Boca Raton and say that was a lot of fun. Then they never again speak of it.
I guess what I’m saying is that I wish there were more movies like that.

I don’t even know. Why do I talk about movies anymore? I can’t say I am comfortable with that as a casualty because look what we have with that instead. What do we have instead? What is Pacific Rim? I have no idea. Apparently it is good. Apparently it is not a Punchline. It’s not Battleship. I feel like the movies during the summer just play sports. That’s how I feel about action movies like Xmen and Ironman—all of that shit. To me it is like, do you know the movie theater that you like to go to that’s air conditioned and you sit there and watch some fun previews and then watch something either funny or interesting or weird or sweet—for the months between Memorial Day and Labor day is it going to show sports games. That’s what it feels like to me.

I saw The Heat. I liked The Heat. It’s really good. Of course it’s a UCB joint. I’m not entirely objective but I will say this, Katie Dipold wrote it. She knows how to write a gag with a cat and a dog, I’ll tell you that much. I don’t like comedies that don’t get animals. I don’t like comedies that assume it is funny to be cruel to animals. I guess to some people that’s funny because it is not real. To some psychopaths it’s funny because that’s just funny but there’s a big cat and a big dog in that movie. Both of them were terrific. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed more than just the cat and the dog, so you know I’m not being a weird person obsessed with marginal details like if I were on the spectrum and said, “I like the orange trees.”

Speaking of oranges there’s a beautiful image that is referred to within David Rakoff’s final book. It’s an image of a girl holding up two oranges in front of her breasts. I was honored to take part in a reading of his beautiful rhyming novel last night. It could not have been more perfect. The book itself could not be more perfect. It’s called Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish a novel by David Rakoff. Please check it out. It’s just wonderful.

Do you ever get jealous of people who have a better imagination that you? They are younger or more playful, or they accept things their mind does. I have been thinking about imagination. I did the audio book of Art Girls are Easy last week. There’s nothing like reading your own book out loud to make you realize exactly what your problems are as a writer. My plot stuff is a little…whatever, I’m here to sell you the book. Julie talked for 15 minutes about what was wrong with it. I’m not doing that. My goal at least in the next fortnight, let’s say, is to not argue with a compliment. Along those lines I am very aware of my weaknesses as a writer as it comes to plot or story. I’m great at dialogue, I’m great at jokes. Characters—I’ve got a million of them but when it comes to story I do feel like I suffer from lack of imagination in a way that I didn’t when I was little. I would make up stories all the time. I could make up a story off the top of my head. My mind was sort of in blissful reverie.

I would fantasize about what if I did a play that was based on Cats but was about candy? I had better ideas then, before the critical voice devoured the playful voice—the ‘yes and’ of it all. Now my imagination is pathetic. It’s just dicks for days. When you are an adult and your imagination gives way to sexual fantasy. The choreography of it is repetitive. I’ll put it that way. I would love to have a mind that is what if… something instead of dicks for days, here we go… You bought a ticket to the matinee right? Good because it’s a marathon. The air conditioning is working come right in.

I guess I’m not a sci-fi girl. We’ve talked about this. I love mumble core sci-fi, things that are fantastical with humanism to them, like Kurt Vonnegut, Charlie Kaufman, and George Saunders. I don’t think I could ever write something like that. Maybe I could. I don’t know. Does anyone have any mushrooms. That’s what I am getting at.

Let’s start the show—oh before we actually start we have a Citibike photo update. Because it is very hot out and because I’m not very good at this kind of thing I forgot how much money we need to raise. I think it was short of $500 as of last week. Is that correct? Could you guys let me know? I know that this week we have raised $385. Will somebody please tell me how much we need? Once we raise that money I’d also like to ask if any of you are photographers who live in NYC and could take a flattering photo of a Jewish lady on a Citibike. There will be photo-shopping. Don’t get me wrong. I want you to make my arms look like toothpicks. This looks like it’s happening. We are just a couple of hundreds away from me straddling one of those god-forsaken objects. It’s all because of you. Keep tipping Spoony we just found out that Spoony’s wife is pregnant with a little girl—wonderful news! She’s going to be a Spoony girl, Spoonerina. It’s so exciting. But it also means she’s going to need a dowry. Tip Spoony his daughter’s dowry everybody. Please. Go to paypal.com go to klausnerama…

That’s the housekeeping part of the show. Our play Thomas Williams is starting the Howwasyour weekwiki. When that is up I will give you the URL. You guys have to help me maintain it with important information.

For example, this week I added anti-Semitic Elmo into the Redhead Hall of Fame, that’s the guy who dresses up as Elmo in Times Square and has a monologue about Jews that you should audition with.

We have two great guests this week…

Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"

2014-11-21T03:21:34Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Hello? Yes, this is she. What may I say this is regarding? Ok, but…ugh! That’s disgusting! Why gave you this number?

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.
That was my ‘I’m on the phone character.’ I’m delirious and it’s not cute. It’s very hot in New York City. I am not doing well in this heat. I don’t leave the apartment and yet I ‘m suffering. I saw my parents last night. We were walking one block. We were trudging like we were going off to the camps of something and my mother said, “We’re from Lithuania.” Got it.

She gave me seven bottles of water to take upstairs which I did and I have. It’s not unwise. She said in case of a black out. At first she asked, “Do you have enough water?” I said, “I have a tap.” Julie! I guess we could brown the grid. Is there anything worse than the term brown out? That’s where New York City is heading. We were just not made for these times. This city, which we’ve established will sink into the ocean, is not equipped for pretty much anything. Our subways are from olden times. The air conditioning is garbage which I complained about last week. If I was smart I would just be hanging out at Old Navy or Best Buy actually. Any chain store is going to have good air conditioning. So yes, I apologize in advance if my brain is a mushy bean.

Remember how people used to call your brain your bean? Am I making that up? I know noodle—do I know noodles. Where did that come from? Oh because of the kidney bean. That makes sense. Good job everybody.

This is public now, I can talk about it. On Monday I start Billy on the Street Season 3 which is so exciting, mostly for you because you get to enjoy entertainment for free. It’s high quality entertainment. The thing about Billy on the Street, which as you know, I work on, so I’m not objective. It’s one of the few shows that when it’s over you are disappointed and surprised. It goes by so quickly. The only other show I can say that about is the Muppet Show when I was 8, or 7, 6…all of the above. I remember watching the Muppet Show as a little girl and whenever they would show the orchestra in the pit, the musicians, not the Electric mayhem. They had member so the Electric Mayhem, but they had session guys. The credits would roll. Whenever I saw the musicians in the pit I got so sad. I knew the show was over.

I’m going to tell that one day to people who will smile. People who will be listening will think I understand her influences. That’s so cool. Ugh!! I hate it. I hate cool. It’s hard enough to tell if something is good, but then to go that step further. It XTC cool? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. I bet god knows because god thought that song Dear God was hilarious.

I feel like god collects…he has atheism’s greatest hits on a Spotify playlist. He plays Tim Minchin. Does Ricky Gervais write funny songs about there not being a god yet? I know that Penn Gillette was in that band Bong Water. Oh good, Julie’s mentioning Bong Water within five minutes of the opening monologue. This is going to be a great episode, really relatable. There have got be a lot of songs about how there is no god and isn’t it funny how stupid people are.

Look, some of my favorite people are godless.

I have been surrounding myself with a lot of media since I mentioned that next week I start at Billy, even though I have been unemployed for a couple of months now. When was I working on the Black Talk Soup? No one knows. My life is a blur. I have been treating this last week like I’m on vacation, even though it’s not any different from the week before. I am going to do what I want this week. I’m going to watch movies in the middle of the day. I’m going to eat pizza. Just dumb child-like ideas of what someone unattended to would pursue as leisure. Do you know what? It’s been a lot of fun! I’m going to pat myself on the back for having fun.

I have talked about this, not having enough fun. It’s been something—I’m not —not that I need an equation. I’m not Little Man Tate. What are you going to do? What do you want first? Fun, joy, or happiness? Bring them all out at the same time whenever they’re ready. Ok? Did I introduce myself?

I’m tipping 40% now. The great thing about doing that is that I am telling people about it. Everyone knows I’m a great person.

I have been watching a lot of movies. I talked about Matilda on the podcast a couple of weeks ago. I saw it and loved it. Tim Minchin who wrote the music and lyrics is an interesting comic from Australia. Our pal Michael Shulman lent me a DVD of his live stuff playing his songs. Michael also wrote a profile of him for the New Yorker which is definitely worth reading. Tim Minchin is a little complicated to me because there is some stuff he does that I like, there’s some stuff of his that really gets on my tits, and there’s some stuff that I straight up don’t like. There’s some stuff that is catchy. It’s tough because he’s from that school—do you call him a comedian? It’s performance art-y. I know Australia isn’t Europe but you know what I mean when I say he’s from the British Empire. Is that a thing? Is that something we can use as a point of reference when I talk about him and Eddie Izzard in the same breath? Eddie Izzard, Ricky Gervais, Daniel Kitson. I like him. He just talks. I like storytelling.

There’s a kind of one-man show that is very European. I guess what I am with Eddie Izzard. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t like Eddie Izzard. I have no problem with Eddie Izzard. If he came over, I’d probably love a chat. I think the reason I don’t like Eddie Izzard is that people I have known have pressured me into watching his stuff. Isn’t this great? That’s never effective unless you are dealing with a very shapeable mind like an adolescent and you’re an older brother who thinks the Doors are cool. Then you think the Doors are cool!

If you do comedy and you meet someone, worst case scenario who isn’t from this country/continent Canada, I see you Canada. I met this one guy from Spain. He was so hot. He did these beautiful illustrations. I should have fucked him but here’s the thing. I will never be able to love another person who grew up in another country because they don’t have the same pop culture literacy as I do. That shared experience is as important as religion is to other people. Isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that interesting that I could never love someone from another country? The reason why, not the fact of it?
So this guy from Spain knew I was into comedy and asked, “Do you like Eddie Izzard?” At the time I was thinking, I don’t have to date him but I could fuck him. That didn’t happen either. I wasn’t attracted to him to be completely honest with you. He was hot. He had skin that was like a whole fish you bake in salt and just put olive oil on. It was perfect. He liked Eddie Izzard. I don’t know, I’ve known a couple of other people who aren’t comedy fans but they like him. Especially if they are summarizing his bits or his points, it gets on my nerves. Tim Minchin kind of suffers from a little of that but because he’s musical hey look. Music really is the universal language, am I right? Fuck you laughter. I watched that.

Like everybody else I’m into Orange is the New Black. As annoying as it is when people get on twitter and say this is what I’m watching and I love it. It is annoying when you’re not watching it and when you are it is completely fine. I am heartened, I guess, by people getting addicted to a sort of narrative scripted story telling with characters and actors and writers. That’s always exciting. There’s always a novelty to that which is people still want old-fashioned television. Television to me is so great. At this point it is almost charming to say, “Wow, what’s going to happen with…

So Orange is the New Black had considerably hot lezzy action than I had been prepared for when I started watching it. Look, it is in a women’s prison, now I am broadcasting how dumb I am that didn’t see that coming but, yeah that first episode you were like “Awuga” Then you remember that you are watching it on Netflix which is on the internet. Netflix is on the internet. Hi everybody. Then you could probably watch the most sickening lesbian porn in two clicks. You guys don’t use the search bar when you are on a porn site do you? That’s a low I try to…

I’ve discussed my aversion to porn in general, my guilty participation as a viewer of it. I don’t do porn. I’m not participating in that way. I did some punch up for Game of Bones. It’s one thing to click around and it’s another to know what you are looking for and go into a porn site and type it in. You never know if the auto fill is going to come back if you are looking for a greenhouse in the area and you put ‘g’ and gangbang grannies or a sick thing for people. I don’t judge that stuff. I don’t judge porn categories as long as they cast people that are not traditionally beautiful. I’m kidding, those are every bit as dehumanizing.

I’ve been watching Orange is the New Black. I watched both of the Stepford Wives movies for this list I am writing. If you’ve never seen the original Stepford Wives you should watch the original Stepford Wives with Kathryn Ross who is achingly beautiful. She’s all angles and hair. Everything about her is how 1975 needed to look. She wears things that I try to wear. I do the best I can. I have a very different look. Beauty is what it is. She can go braless in ways that are like fine art. I find myself infatuated with the early 70s, 1972. Because Stepford Wives was shot in 1975, I’m all about 1975 now. I’m moving forward.

The idea that men would make robots that wore maxi-dresses, sunhats, and wrist gloves. They’re not opera gloves. Opera gloves are longer. What are those called? Hand gloves. I’ll call them hand gloves, the idea is funny right? Not unless it’s freaking you out. That movie is upsetting to me. I’m just going to go ahead and say it. When they are bulldozing Tina Louise’s tennis court because Tina Louise has been murdered and replaces with a robot who is submissive to her husband’s desire to have a pool instead of a tennis court, she’s gleefully saying, “I never needed the tennis court.” “But you love tennis.” I know that sounds like privilege problems, but it’s not. It’s disturbing. It’s upsetting to see a woman glibly acknowledge that her interests are nothing. That is horror. The comedy version of it, with Nicole Kidman, America’s favorite comedian, or Australia’s favorite comedian after Tim Minchin. Do you know what? After the platypus. Let’s put the platypus as #1, Nicole Kidman #2. Platypuses are so funny. They can kill you. Do you know they have a poison thumb? They have one claw, or maybe it’s their big toe. They have a claw and if you are stabbed by it, it releases poison. Basically at all times they this James Bond style pen filled with cyanide. They also look like furry ducks. I don’t want to bury the lead, about why platypuses are funny. I wish I could just hang out with one.

The Stepford Wives starring Nicole Kidman is uniquely disastrous. I remember seeing it in the movie theater and thinking it was absolutely terrible. I have since revisited it. Do you know what it is? It’s very Paul Rudnick-y. Paul Rudnick wrote it. Frank Oz directed it. Paul Rudnick writes a lot of Shouts and Murmurs for the New Yorker that involves anything Nora Ephron was going to write into a scene in You’ve Got Mail but decided was too hacky and a little too broad. Like women waiting on line at, not even Zabars, is it Eli’s Bread. Is that it? They say something about their daughter, and then a gay guy joins them, the kind of gay guy that makes jokes about Dolce and Gabana. I don’t know. It is a very specific sensibility. I think my parents probably think it’s hilarious. I think their contemporaries do.

I like Paul Rudnick, I just kind of dissed him, but I like his plays and I like that he exists. I like the 2004 remake, even though Nathan Lane wasn’t in it, he was basically in it. Roger Bart was in it and Kate Schindel, who is Miss America before she joined the cast of Legally Blond on Broadway. These are all interesting facts to me and Billy Eichner. Glenn Close has a speech at the end. Her character is the person who is in charge of masterminding the scheme. They really took liberties with the plot. She’s married to Christopher Walken. At the end she has a 25 minute soliloquy where she explains why she did it and how and how she still loves her husband. Her husband is a robot and she kisses his disembodied robot head, and he electrocutes her. That’s how she dies. I can see there being a couple of women named Susan and Phyllis who went to see it in Boca Raton and say that was a lot of fun. Then they never again speak of it.
I guess what I’m saying is that I wish there were more movies like that.

I don’t even know. Why do I talk about movies anymore? I can’t say I am comfortable with that as a casualty because look what we have with that instead. What do we have instead? What is Pacific Rim? I have no idea. Apparently it is good. Apparently it is not a Punchline. It’s not Battleship. I feel like the movies during the summer just play sports. That’s how I feel about action movies like Xmen and Ironman—all of that shit. To me it is like, do you know the movie theater that you like to go to that’s air conditioned and you sit there and watch some fun previews and then watch something either funny or interesting or weird or sweet—for the months between Memorial Day and Labor day is it going to show sports games. That’s what it feels like to me.

I saw The Heat. I liked The Heat. It’s really good. Of course it’s a UCB joint. I’m not entirely objective but I will say this, Katie Dipold wrote it. She knows how to write a gag with a cat and a dog, I’ll tell you that much. I don’t like comedies that don’t get animals. I don’t like comedies that assume it is funny to be cruel to animals. I guess to some people that’s funny because it is not real. To some psychopaths it’s funny because that’s just funny but there’s a big cat and a big dog in that movie. Both of them were terrific. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed more than just the cat and the dog, so you know I’m not being a weird person obsessed with marginal details like if I were on the spectrum and said, “I like the orange trees.”

Speaking of oranges there’s a beautiful image that is referred to within David Rakoff’s final book. It’s an image of a girl holding up two oranges in front of her breasts. I was honored to take part in a reading of his beautiful rhyming novel last night. It could not have been more perfect. The book itself could not be more perfect. It’s called Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish a novel by David Rakoff. Please check it out. It’s just wonderful.

Do you ever get jealous of people who have a better imagination that you? They are younger or more playful, or they accept things their mind does. I have been thinking about imagination. I did the audio book of Art Girls are Easy last week. There’s nothing like reading your own book out loud to make you realize exactly what your problems are as a writer. My plot stuff is a little…whatever, I’m here to sell you the book. Julie talked for 15 minutes about what was wrong with it. I’m not doing that. My goal at least in the next fortnight, let’s say, is to not argue with a compliment. Along those lines I am very aware of my weaknesses as a writer as it comes to plot or story. I’m great at dialogue, I’m great at jokes. Characters—I’ve got a million of them but when it comes to story I do feel like I suffer from lack of imagination in a way that I didn’t when I was little. I would make up stories all the time. I could make up a story off the top of my head. My mind was sort of in blissful reverie.

I would fantasize about what if I did a play that was based on Cats but was about candy? I had better ideas then, before the critical voice devoured the playful voice—the ‘yes and’ of it all. Now my imagination is pathetic. It’s just dicks for days. When you are an adult and your imagination gives way to sexual fantasy. The choreography of it is repetitive. I’ll put it that way. I would love to have a mind that is what if… something instead of dicks for days, here we go… You bought a ticket to the matinee right? Good because it’s a marathon. The air conditioning is working come right in.

I guess I’m not a sci-fi girl. We’ve talked about this. I love mumble core sci-fi, things that are fantastical with humanism to them, like Kurt Vonnegut, Charlie Kaufman, and George Saunders. I don’t think I could ever write something like that. Maybe I could. I don’t know. Does anyone have any mushrooms. That’s what I am getting at.

Let’s start the show—oh before we actually start we have a Citibike photo update. Because it is very hot out and because I’m not very good at this kind of thing I forgot how much money we need to raise. I think it was short of $500 as of last week. Is that correct? Could you guys let me know? I know that this week we have raised $385. Will somebody please tell me how much we need? Once we raise that money I’d also like to ask if any of you are photographers who live in NYC and could take a flattering photo of a Jewish lady on a Citibike. There will be photo-shopping. Don’t get me wrong. I want you to make my arms look like toothpicks. This looks like it’s happening. We are just a couple of hundreds away from me straddling one of those god-forsaken objects. It’s all because of you. Keep tipping Spoony we just found out that Spoony’s wife is pregnant with a little girl—wonderful news! She’s going to be a Spoony girl, Spoonerina. It’s so exciting. But it also means she’s going to need a dowry. Tip Spoony his daughter’s dowry everybody. Please. Go to paypal.com go to klausnerama…

That’s the housekeeping part of the show. Our play Thomas Williams is starting the Howwasyour weekwiki. When that is up I will give you the URL. You guys have to help me maintain it with important information.

For example, this week I added anti-Semitic Elmo into the Redhead Hall of Fame, that’s the guy who dresses up as Elmo in Times Square and has a monologue about Jews that you should audition with.

We have two great guests this week…

Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"

2014-11-21T03:18:30Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-20T02:12:43Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete
|-

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"

2014-11-20T01:44:30Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

After often seeing T-Shirts saying Zog Sports Julie finally googles it to discover that it is a for-profit recreational club for adults encouraging them to socialize by playing games like volleyball, dodge-ball and kickball after work and on the weekends. Not only is the thought of spending time out of the office with colleagues playing these games in either red and blue pinnies appalling, the type of shoes you wear to play these games in the grass are the titular "Shitty Shoes"

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Night swimming deserve a quiet night…

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week. We just heard Night Swimming from REM. How is everybody’s summer doing? Dog days, Dog days.

I am fine. How are you? Boop Boop Be Boop? Baby is here, the royal baby. They sent that poor Natalie Morales to England to wait outside of Buckingham Palace like a chump. Yes, I follow the today show’s instagram. Every day they posted another dopey photo of Natalie Morales sitting on the sidewalk. They couldn’t even get her one of those portable chairs. Those are really cool. You know the person is really cool when you see them carrying a fold-up portable stool just for themselves, like they wait on a enough lines outside that it was a good investment. Natalie Morales was basically just in England. She had to pose for one instagram photo a day. This is justification for whatever her salary is. Every once in a while they’d give her a funny prop. One day she was ‘reading’ Great Expectations.

At some point the Today Show just became Rocky and Bullwinkle. The people that come up with these ideas are basically the same ancient Jews that wrote cartoons in the 1960s. “What would be a funny thing for the moose to be reading when they are waiting for the British Prince to be born?” I don’t know why my old Jew is Italian in that particular example. His name is Sal Rabbinowitz. Natalie Morales—so truly useless she makes Savannah Guthrie look like Joan Didion in her seriousness.

The baby came. I don’t know anyone cool who cares about the baby. Sorry to say it and sorry to make it a thing about cool versus not cool. My impression of people who care about the baby is that they are all the same 45 year-old middle management woman who works at a desk and has thing of tic-tacs near her stapler and checks out Perez Hilton and thinks he’s funny. I’ve talked about that photo of Perez Hilton naked in the bathroom holding his baby right? If you haven’t seen this photo please google this photo because it’s disturbing (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2296980/Perez-Hiltons-baby-Mario-Were-thrilled-introduce-angel-son.html) nobody likes gay people more than me, but I saw this photo and thought, Anita Bryant had some good points. It made me feel homophobic.

I’m back at work at Billy on the Street. I have two pals in the room with me, our pal Jeffrey Self and our pal Jake Fogelnest. I’m having a blast to be perfectly honest. We’re dangerously close to a Potbelly Sandwich Shop. Here’s what I discovered today, this was exhilarating in the way that my brained ticked on the uh-oh this is dangerous. I had a chiropractic masseuse. He’s just a masseuse but I put adjective in—let’s say orthopedic, so it didn’t seem sleazy. One day I realized he was dangerously close to Loehman’s. I found out that Potbelly sells the same cookies that Panera Bread sells. Fine, this is not a sexy story. I am not flirting with you, that’s the nice thing about this show. You can stop being polite and start being real. There’s an oatmeal chip cookie, and it’s so good. It comes in a bag, and the ingredients are listed on the back—cool story.

The royal baby, I think it is weird they named him Jason Alexander. Everybody likes that show. I can’t believe they paraded that poor woman out in front of the cameras not even 24 hours after she gave birth. She was beaming. Do you know why? You know why. I confuse her with Kate Beckinsale. I know it’s not Kate Beckinsale, nor is it Katie Holmes. Couldn’t it be? Couldn’t those all be the same brunette?

The other things that all came and went this week faster than any meme I have experienced being exhausted in that amount of time was the Carlos Danger meme. That was beaten to death with an aluminum bat on twitter so quickly it was a hate crime. Anthony Weiner, who is garbage, maybe it’s old fashioned of me to take umbrage with politicians who are sleazy sex creeps, but I do. It’s just part of who I am. Maybe I’ll give you my “We are All Monica Lewinsky” lecture in a minute. That’s one of my favorite sermons. I haven’t delivered that one in a while.

Anthony Weiner was calling himself Carlos Danger. You know this. Like I said, it was exhausted. We fucked it so hard it had to sit in an oatmeal bath for a few days, the whole concept. The jokes were good. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed our jokes together. It was just over so quickly. That’s what we all said.

Everyone is in Montreal at the Montreal Comedy Festival this week. You can learn more about by going to HaHaHa.com. This is not a joke that has been the website for the Montreal Comedy Festival since it began, I think. I don’t know why it’s not HaHaHa.ca. Maybe some of our Canadian friends can help me debunk that.

Congratulations to our friends who are new faces of Montreal. Andrew Johnston is one, I think. Jimmy Jazz is another. Jimmy Jazz wants to be known as Josh now. That’s weird. He wants a Bar Mitzvah.

It’s no longer as hot as it was. We are basically in the part of the summer where David Letterman has Jay Thomas on. It’s hot. There was Carlos Danger. Everyone is tired. Why don’t I have the money to go to the Hamptons? That’s where New York kind of…believe me this is more linear than my madness lets on…In Ghostbusters 2 the bad energy that New Yorkers… what was the plot? I know there was some painting restoration. Wasn’t there bad energy? I know Dan Aykroyd got a blow job from a ghost in the first one. Jake Fogelnest points out was PG. Parental Guidance suggested not enforced—Dan Aykroyd is not going to get blown by a ghost or anything.

My point about this time of the year, New York City and Ghostbusters is that New Yorkers don’t need any additional negative energy. We begin psychically to resemble the hot garbage smell that has worn us down gradually, slowly, surely. We work so hard to live here. Our air-conditioning is not up to the task. We are better than it and we are barely even making the line.

My next guest is Jay Thomas.

I used to intern at Letterman. Did I ever talk about that on the show? I interned at Letterman when I wa sin college. I wasn’t his type. I got Courtney Love Fiji water. It was the first time I’d ever heard of Fiji water before. I got Dane Cook Imodium AD. It was his first time on Letterman…you know why, because he had diarrhea. Why else does anybody get Imodium AD to be a manic pixie dream girl?

Hey guys, before I come over can you have two kinds of string cheese? A tiny harmonica and a sugar bowl full of Imodium AD? Oh my god Chloe is adorable.
Dennis Farina is dead. Based on my limited knowledge of god he’s trying to rob us of all of our character actors that can play trustworthy fathers, which is interesting in the sense of what America and American culture means and has become. Enjoy those dad actors, God. Who are our dads now? James Gandolfini is dead. Dennis Farina is gone. Who are our dads? Alan Thicke? Fuck you, Thicke with an ‘e’.

I have one more episode of Orange is the New Black. It’s so good guys. Holy Cow. It’s so good for so many different reasons. It’s good because it very Television-y, capital ‘T’ Televison-y, even though it’s on your computer. It’s cliff-hanger-y, serial, and characters. I talked about how charming it was that Crazy Eyes has an arc. It’s opened my mind to the bisexuality that I didn’t really explore at NYU. That’s none of your business. The show is evocative. Natasha Lyonne couldn’t be better. I wonder if the show is rounding up lesbians. I will say that I am a little concerned that Orange is the New Black might be a secret government project to get all show business lesbians on some kind of list. I don’t think the government gives Lea DeLaria anything she can’t handle.

I want to thank Thomas Ezekiel Williams for setting up Howwasyourwiki.com. Please go there. Howwasyourwiki.com. You can update the things that you know about the show on that website yourself. It’s a user interactive friendly site. Go on Howwasyourwiki.com. You are way more organized than I am. You can add or subtract to the Redhead Hall of Fame. You can list facts from past episodes, guests, morsels, best interventions ever...

Did you see that last Intervention? Oh god it crushed me! It crushed me like a tin can. So many people are going to die now that that show is gone. 64% rate of people staying sober. I’ll take it. I’ll take those odds. Allison the keyboard dust huffer, she’s doing great. It was a beautiful show. Now it has been replaced by Catfish. If you think I am wrong, I’m not. I’m not wrong. Catfish is our Intervention now. We have updates at the end. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Do you know what we should also be ashamed of ourselves in regards to is I just learned what Zog Sports is. I’ve seen people wearing the T-shirts. I just assumed it was a cult. They have dorky T-shirts. They are all over the place. Everyone has seen people in a Zog shirt. Am I completely off-base? Is this an East Coast Jewish thing? I don’t know. I always wondered what that was but never enough to ask. I guess somebody referred to it on Twitter which is my only interaction with the outside world on some level. I googled it. I found out that Zog Sports is basically a way for adults to play sports with each other even though they work in offices. Zog Sports is a for-profit corporation that operates Co-ed Sports Leagues throughout NYC, NJ, Washington DC, CT, Atlanta, San Francisco, and LA. The company brands its services as an attempt to bring together young professionals—you already lost me—and to encourage them to live a more active social lifestyle—ugh!!-- while promoting social action. Zog sports organizes, this is when I got-why did I eat that extra piece of turkey sick. Zog sports organizes recreational sports leagues in various sports such as American Football, soccer, Volleyball, Basketball, Dodgeball, and Kickball. The end. I’m closing this window.

The only good thing about being grown up is that you don’t have to play kickball. I don’t understand why anyone would willingly, and for-profit means pay for the opportunity to wear a red short or a blue shirt—everything I hated as a kid. I imagine it’s the same person that thinks that going to the office and doing the same thing everyday isn’t so bad because I can play volleyball at the end of the week? What the fuck is that? OH! I am alarmed.

It’s like you realize that people walk among you with these very dark beliefs. How can we co-exist as humans? How is this pleasurable to you? That’s not what the weekend is for. It was very hot last Saturday. You have to see Jimmy from down the hall in shorts on top of it? Do you know what kind of shoes you have to wear in grass? Shitty shoes. Shoes that make your legs look like garbage. How much sun screen you have to put on. Should I roll up the sleeves of this T-shirt. You know I don’t own a T-shirt, right?

I have one T-shirt. It was a Monkees tour T-shirt and it was a gift. I’m keeping it because it’s adorable and a very cool memento. If it were up to me it would be a flattering tank and I’d wear it over the the bike shorts I am going to wear to pose on the Citibike that you guys raised enough money for you to be photographed on. This is very exciting. As of this week we have raised enough money to get me to pose on a Citibike. I’m just telling him right now via this recording-Spoony you are going to art direct it. One of my bra straps will be showing. That’s all you know about it. Congratulations, you scoundrels. You’ve tipped Spoony the sufficient amount of money for us to stage a photo shoot in which I will straddle a Citibike and take a photograph. Congratulations. Mazel Tov.

Should I talk about Anthony Weiner and Monica Lewinsky? Fine. This whole idea that we walk among people that have different values than us is occasionally alarming when you hear people like Adam Carolla say that men and women have more differences than different races. Oh, gee. Ok. Is this your way of abetting a race war.

Abetting—that’s my favorite character on Community. I head Dan Harmon is not going to make a stink this season. Why does that character talk like a man named Winslow?
We all have different values. Men and women are different. Sex means different things to men and compartmentalizing, and values aren’t necessarily the same. Just because someone cheats in their personal life doesn’t affect their professional life. Here’s why all of that is wrong. Whenever we reward men in a position of power by giving them more power despite how they treat other human beings we are basically saying the human beings they treated terribly don’t matter. Those human beings are invariably women whom they’ve abused their power. Young women on the other side of those text messages.

I know that I should feel as bad for Huma as I do for the young lady I am sure the New York Post will disparage with an unflattering photograph soon enough. I always feel for the misled girl. I always ache for her because she could have been me in a flutter of a butterfly’s wing. I could have been Monica Lewinsky. We talk about this sometimes on the show. If things had been slightly different who would you be? I would have been a burlesque performer. I’m self-deprecating. In reality I would never be a burlesque performer, give me a break. Come on. I like noodles sure, I have a little extra on the side but I’ve got taste.

I’m not going to shake it to Las Vegas grind at jumbos Clown Shop. I’m just not, in any universe. Let’s take that off the table in terms of who I’d be if things were slightly different. Do you know who I’d be if things were slightly different? I’d be Monica Lewinsky. We’d all be Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky is all of us. She is an educated beautiful young woman who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was giving him Nicholson Baker novels. The whole thing was…we’ve all read pop fiction in the 90s that was sort of sexy.

If I had chosen to be in politics instead of whatever god forsaken incarnation of show business I consider myself in at the end of the tax year when I have to write it down. I had berets. I wore a beret in college in the winter. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get to explore my bisexuality enough. Girls were like no to the thanks. But I think Anthony Weiner is a despicable human being. I think his wife is a coward and garbage and a lousy role model public figure. I think there should be consequences for men who are garbage. That’s all.

Who’s the other one? Spitzer? He’s looking more and more like Richard Kiel. His frontal lobe is increasing daily. He is becoming a monster. He’s disgusting. I feel so bad for Jews. It’s not bad that we’re thought of as more sexual than we have in the past. I guess Woddy Allen put a dent in that. Hey guys, remember when Woody Allen fucked his adopted daughter and then married her and said it was the only relationship he has managed to make work. That’s hilarious! You are a sick person. But Blue Jasmine sure looks fun. Hey guys, Andrew Dice Clay slicks his hair right back for it.

I’m sanctimonious this week, but I do love men. I love men so much. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong. Oh boy! This week on How Was Your Week Julie does some grappling, not that kind of grappling Grandpa. Put that waffle syrup away.

Why did women wrestle in mud in the 80s? What was going on with us? What was in our collective unconscious that we thought sploshing was really interesting? Let’s think about that for a second. I know that it’s tied to wrestling. I know that when I saw Who’s Harry Crumb that my parents got cable and that move was on constantly either on HBO or the Movie Channel or both. There was a scene where Harry Crumb was rubbing mud into some character actress that I should be humiliated not to have instant recall of. He was rubbing therapeutic mud into her ass and playing tic tac toe with his fingers in mud. Was it erotic? Yeah but it was also confusing. There’s something about those comedies. They assume you are in it for goofy laughs but also that you’re horny teenage boy. Great, I’ve gone back to the sanctimonious box.

The Sanctimonious Box, by the way, is going to be my next one-woman show. It’s going to be in a black box theater.

Speaking of theater Stage Door Manor is doing a production of In the Heights this summer. I don’t think I’m allowed to attend because I don’t have a child. It would be creepy if I went to a sleep away camp and said, “I’m here for In the Heights.” One, for In the Heights. Who are you? “I’m Jubees. I’m Jubees Klausner.” No dice. No dice lady.

Let’s start the show.

Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"

2014-11-20T01:42:33Z

Amyg: /* Origin of the episode title */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

After often seeing T-Shirts saying Zog Sports Julie finally googles it to discover that it is a for-profit recreational club for adults encouraging them to socialize by playing games like volleyball, dodge-ball and kickball after work and on the weekends. Not only is the thought of spending time out of the office with colleagues playing these games in either red and blue pinnies appalling, the type of shoes you wear to play these games in the grass are the titular "Shitty Shoes"

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Night swimming deserve a quiet night…

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week. We just heard Night Swimming from REM. How is everybody’s summer doing? Dog days, Dog days.

I am fine. How are you? Boop Boop Be Boop? Baby is here, the royal baby. They sent that poor Natalie Morales to England to wait outside of Buckingham Palace like a chump. Yes, I follow the today show’s instagram. Every day they posted another dopey photo of Natalie Morales sitting on the sidewalk. They couldn’t even get her one of those portable chairs. Those are really cool. You know the person is really cool when you see them carrying a fold-up portable stool just for themselves, like they wait on a enough lines outside that it was a good investment. Natalie Morales was basically just in England. She had to pose for one instagram photo a day. This is justification for whatever her salary is. Every once in a while they’d give her a funny prop. One day she was ‘reading’ Great Expectations.

At some point the Today Show just became Rocky and Bullwinkle. The people that come up with these ideas are basically the same ancient Jews that wrote cartoons in the 1960s. “What would be a funny thing for the moose to be reading when they are waiting for the British Prince to be born?” I don’t know why my old Jew is Italian in that particular example. His name is Sal Rabbinowitz. Natalie Morales—so truly useless she makes Savannah Guthrie look like Joan Didion in her seriousness.

The baby came. I don’t know anyone cool who cares about the baby. Sorry to say it and sorry to make it a thing about cool versus not cool. My impression of people who care about the baby is that they are all the same 45 year-old middle management woman who works at a desk and has thing of tic-tacs near her stapler and checks out Perez Hilton and thinks he’s funny. I’ve talked about that photo of Perez Hilton naked in the bathroom holding his baby right? If you haven’t seen this photo please google this photo because it’s disturbing (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2296980/Perez-Hiltons-baby-Mario-Were-thrilled-introduce-angel-son.html) nobody likes gay people more than me, but I saw this photo and thought, Anita Bryant had some good points. It made me feel homophobic.

I’m back at work at Billy on the Street. I have two pals in the room with me, our pal Jeffrey Self and our pal Jake Fogelnest. I’m having a blast to be perfectly honest. We’re dangerously close to a Potbelly Sandwich Shop. Here’s what I discovered today, this was exhilarating in the way that my brained ticked on the uh-oh this is dangerous. I had a chiropractic masseuse. He’s just a masseuse but I put adjective in—let’s say orthopedic, so it didn’t seem sleazy. One day I realized he was dangerously close to Loehman’s. I found out that Potbelly sells the same cookies that Panera Bread sells. Fine, this is not a sexy story. I am not flirting with you, that’s the nice thing about this show. You can stop being polite and start being real. There’s an oatmeal chip cookie, and it’s so good. It comes in a bag, and the ingredients are listed on the back—cool story.

The royal baby, I think it is weird they named him Jason Alexander. Everybody likes that show. I can’t believe they paraded that poor woman out in front of the cameras not even 24 hours after she gave birth. She was beaming. Do you know why? You know why. I confuse her with Kate Beckinsale. I know it’s not Kate Beckinsale, nor is it Katie Holmes. Couldn’t it be? Couldn’t those all be the same brunette?

The other things that all came and went this week faster than any meme I have experienced being exhausted in that amount of time was the Carlos Danger meme. That was beaten to death with an aluminum bat on twitter so quickly it was a hate crime. Anthony Weiner, who is garbage, maybe it’s old fashioned of me to take umbrage with politicians who are sleazy sex creeps, but I do. It’s just part of who I am. Maybe I’ll give you my “We are All Monica Lewinsky” lecture in a minute. That’s one of my favorite sermons. I haven’t delivered that one in a while.

Anthony Weiner was calling himself Carlos Danger. You know this. Like I said, it was exhausted. We fucked it so hard it had to sit in an oatmeal bath for a few days, the whole concept. The jokes were good. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed our jokes together. It was just over so quickly. That’s what we all said.

Everyone is in Montreal at the Montreal Comedy Festival this week. You can learn more about by going to HaHaHa.com. This is not a joke that has been the website for the Montreal Comedy Festival since it began, I think. I don’t know why it’s not HaHaHa.ca. Maybe some of our Canadian friends can help me debunk that.

Congratulations to our friends who are new faces of Montreal. Andrew Johnston is one, I think. Jimmy Jazz is another. Jimmy Jazz wants to be known as Josh now. That’s weird. He wants a Bar Mitzvah.

It’s no longer as hot as it was. We are basically in the part of the summer where David Letterman has Jay Thomas on. It’s hot. There was Carlos Danger. Everyone is tired. Why don’t I have the money to go to the Hamptons? That’s where New York kind of…believe me this is more linear than my madness lets on…In Ghostbusters 2 the bad energy that New Yorkers… what was the plot? I know there was some painting restoration. Wasn’t there bad energy? I know Dan Aykroyd got a blow job from a ghost in the first one. Jake Fogelnest points out was PG. Parental Guidance suggested not enforced—Dan Aykroyd is not going to get blown by a ghost or anything.

My point about this time of the year, New York City and Ghostbusters is that New Yorkers don’t need any additional negative energy. We begin psychically to resemble the hot garbage smell that has worn us down gradually, slowly, surely. We work so hard to live here. Our air-conditioning is not up to the task. We are better than it and we are barely even making the line.

My next guest is Jay Thomas.

I used to intern at Letterman. Did I ever talk about that on the show? I interned at Letterman when I wa sin college. I wasn’t his type. I got Courtney Love Fiji water. It was the first time I’d ever heard of Fiji water before. I got Dane Cook Imodium AD. It was his first time on Letterman…you know why, because he had diarrhea. Why else does anybody get Imodium AD to be a manic pixie dream girl?

Hey guys, before I come over can you have two kinds of string cheese? A tiny harmonica and a sugar bowl full of Imodium AD? Oh my god Chloe is adorable.
Dennis Farina is dead. Based on my limited knowledge of god he’s trying to rob us of all of our character actors that can play trustworthy fathers, which is interesting in the sense of what America and American culture means and has become. Enjoy those dad actors, God. Who are our dads now? James Gandolfini is dead. Dennis Farina is gone. Who are our dads? Alan Thicke? Fuck you, Thicke with an ‘e’.

I have one more episode of Orange is the New Black. It’s so good guys. Holy Cow. It’s so good for so many different reasons. It’s good because it very Television-y, capital ‘T’ Televison-y, even though it’s on your computer. It’s cliff-hanger-y, serial, and characters. I talked about how charming it was that Crazy Eyes has an arc. It’s opened my mind to the bisexuality that I didn’t really explore at NYU. That’s none of your business. The show is evocative. Natasha Lyonne couldn’t be better. I wonder if the show is rounding up lesbians. I will say that I am a little concerned that Orange is the New Black might be a secret government project to get all show business lesbians on some kind of list. I don’t think the government gives Lea DeLaria anything she can’t handle.

I want to thank Thomas Ezekiel Williams for setting up Howwasyourwiki.com. Please go there. Howwasyourwiki.com. You can update the things that you know about the show on that website yourself. It’s a user interactive friendly site. Go on Howwasyourwiki.com. You are way more organized than I am. You can add or subtract to the Redhead Hall of Fame. You can list facts from past episodes, guests, morsels, best interventions ever...

Did you see that last Intervention? Oh god it crushed me! It crushed me like a tin can. So many people are going to die now that that show is gone. 64% rate of people staying sober. I’ll take it. I’ll take those odds. Allison the keyboard dust huffer, she’s doing great. It was a beautiful show. Now it has been replaced by Catfish. If you think I am wrong, I’m not. I’m not wrong. Catfish is our Intervention now. We have updates at the end. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Do you know what we should also be ashamed of ourselves in regards to is I just learned what Zog Sports is. I’ve seen people wearing the T-shirts. I just assumed it was a cult. They have dorky T-shirts. They are all over the place. Everyone has seen people in a Zog shirt. Am I completely off-base? Is this an East Coast Jewish thing? I don’t know. I always wondered what that was but never enough to ask. I guess somebody referred to it on Twitter which is my only interaction with the outside world on some level. I googled it. I found out that Zog Sports is basically a way for adults to play sports with each other even though they work in offices. Zog Sports is a for-profit corporation that operates Co-ed Sports Leagues throughout NYC, NJ, Washington DC, CT, Atlanta, San Francisco, and LA. The company brands its services as an attempt to bring together young professionals—you already lost me—and to encourage them to live a more active social lifestyle—ugh!!-- while promoting social action. Zog sports organizes, this is when I got-why did I eat that extra piece of turkey sick. Zog sports organizes recreational sports leagues in various sports such as American Football, soccer, Volleyball, Basketball, Dodgeball, and Kickball. The end. I’m closing this window.

The only good thing about being grown up is that you don’t have to play kickball. I don’t understand why anyone would willingly, and for-profit means pay for the opportunity to wear a red short or a blue shirt—everything I hated as a kid. I imagine it’s the same person that thinks that going to the office and doing the same thing everyday isn’t so bad because I can play volleyball at the end of the week? What the fuck is that? OH! I am alarmed.

It’s like you realize that people walk among you with these very dark beliefs. How can we co-exist as humans? How is this pleasurable to you? That’s not what the weekend is for. It was very hot last Saturday. You have to see Jimmy from down the hall in shorts on top of it? Do you know what kind of shoes you have to wear in grass? Shitty shoes. Shoes that make your legs look like garbage. How muc sun screen you have to put on. Should I roll up the sleeves of this T-shirt. You know I don’t own a T-shirt, right?

I have one T-shirt. It was a Monkees tour T-shirt and it was a gift. I’m keeping it because it’s adorable and a very cool memento. If it were up to me it would be a flattering tank and I’d wear it over the the bike shorts I am going to wear to pose on the Citibike that you guys raised enough money for you to be photographed on. This is very exciting. As of this week we have raised enough money to get me to pose on a Citibike. I’m just telling him right now via this recording-Spoony you are going to art direct it. One of my bra straps will be showing. That’s all you know about it. Congratulations, you scoundrels. You’ve tipped Spoony the sufficient amount of money for us to stage a photo shoot in which I will straddle a Citibike and take a photograph. Congratulations. Mazel Tov.

Should I talk about Anthony Weiner and Monica Lewinsky? Fine. This whole idea that we walk among people that have different values than us is occasionally alarming when you hear people like Adam Carolla say that men and women have more differences than different races. Oh, gee. Ok. Is this your way of abetting a race war.

Abetting—that’s my favorite character on Community. I head Dan Harmon is not going to make a stink this season. Why does that character talk like a man named Winslow?
We all have different values. Men and women are different. Sex means different things to men and compartmentalizing, and values aren’t necessarily the same. Just because someone cheats in their personal life doesn’t affect their professional life. Here’s why all of that is wrong. Whenever we reward men in a position of power by giving them more power despite how they treat other human beings we are basically saying the human beings they treated terribly don’t matter. Those human beings are invariably women whom they’ve abused their power. Young women on the other side of those text messages.

I know that I should feel as bad for Huma as I do for the young lady I am sure the New York Post will disparage with an unflattering photograph soon enough. I always feel for the misled girl. I always ache for her because she could have been me in a flutter of a butterfly’s wing. I could have been Monica Lewinsky. We talk about this sometimes on the show. If things had been slightly different who would you be? I would have been a burlesque performer. I’m self-deprecating. In reality I would never be a burlesque performer, give me a break. Come on. I like noodles sure, I have a little extra on the side but I’ve got taste.

I’m not going to shake it to Las Vegas grind at jumbos Clown Shop. I’m just not, in any universe. Let’s take that off the table in terms of who I’d be if things were slightly different. Do you know who I’d be if things were slightly different? I’d be Monica Lewinsky. We’d all be Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky is all of us. She is an educated beautiful young woman who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was giving him Nicholson Baker novels. The whole thing was…we’ve all read pop fiction in the 90s that was sort of sexy.

If I had chosen to be in politics instead of whatever god forsaken incarnation of show business I consider myself in at the end of the tax year when I have to write it down. I had berets. I wore a beret in college in the winter. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get to explore my bisexuality enough. Girls were like no to the thanks. But I think Anthony Weiner is a despicable human being. I think his wife is a coward and garbage and a lousy role model public figure. I think there should be consequences for men who are garbage. That’s all.

Who’s the other one? Spitzer? He’s looking more and more like Richard Kiel. His frontal lobe is increasing daily. He is becoming a monster. He’s disgusting. I feel so bad for Jews. It’s not bad that we’re thought of as more sexual than we have in the past. I guess Woddy Allen put a dent in that. Hey guys, remember when Woody Allen fucked his adopted daughter and then married her and said it was the only relationship he has managed to make work. That’s hilarious! You are a sick person. But Blue Jasmine sure looks fun. Hey guys, Andrew Dice Clay slicks his hair right back for it.

I’m sanctimonious this week, but I do love men. I love men so much. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong. Oh boy! This week on How Was Your Week Julie does some grappling, not that kind of grappling Grandpa. Put that waffle syrup away.

Why did women wrestle in mud in the 80s? What was going on with us? What was in our collective unconscious that we thought sploshing was really interesting? Let’s think about that for a second. I know that it’s tied to wrestling. I know that when I saw Who’s Harry Crumb that my parents got cable and that move was on constantly either on HBO or the Movie Channel or both. There was a scene where Harry Crumb was rubbing mud into some character actress that I should be humiliated not to have instant recall of. He was rubbing therapeutic mud into her ass and playing tic tac toe with his fingers in mud. Was it erotic? Yeah but it was also confusing. There’s something about those comedies. They assume you are in it for goofy laughs but also that you’re horny teenage boy. Great, I’ve gone back to the sanctimonious box.

The Sanctimonious Box, by the way, is going to be my next one-woman show. It’s going to be in a black box theater.

Speaking of theater Stage Door Manor is doing a production of In the Heights this summer. I don’t think I’m allowed to attend because I don’t have a child. It would be creepy if I went to a sleep away camp and said, “I’m here for In the Heights.” One, for In the Heights. Who are you? “I’m Jubees. I’m Jubees Klausner.” No dice. No dice lady.

Let’s start the show.

Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"

2014-11-20T01:32:10Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Night swimming deserve a quiet night…

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week. We just heard Night Swimming from REM. How is everybody’s summer doing? Dog days, Dog days.

I am fine. How are you? Boop Boop Be Boop? Baby is here, the royal baby. They sent that poor Natalie Morales to England to wait outside of Buckingham Palace like a chump. Yes, I follow the today show’s instagram. Every day they posted another dopey photo of Natalie Morales sitting on the sidewalk. They couldn’t even get her one of those portable chairs. Those are really cool. You know the person is really cool when you see them carrying a fold-up portable stool just for themselves, like they wait on a enough lines outside that it was a good investment. Natalie Morales was basically just in England. She had to pose for one instagram photo a day. This is justification for whatever her salary is. Every once in a while they’d give her a funny prop. One day she was ‘reading’ Great Expectations.

At some point the Today Show just became Rocky and Bullwinkle. The people that come up with these ideas are basically the same ancient Jews that wrote cartoons in the 1960s. “What would be a funny thing for the moose to be reading when they are waiting for the British Prince to be born?” I don’t know why my old Jew is Italian in that particular example. His name is Sal Rabbinowitz. Natalie Morales—so truly useless she makes Savannah Guthrie look like Joan Didion in her seriousness.

The baby came. I don’t know anyone cool who cares about the baby. Sorry to say it and sorry to make it a thing about cool versus not cool. My impression of people who care about the baby is that they are all the same 45 year-old middle management woman who works at a desk and has thing of tic-tacs near her stapler and checks out Perez Hilton and thinks he’s funny. I’ve talked about that photo of Perez Hilton naked in the bathroom holding his baby right? If you haven’t seen this photo please google this photo because it’s disturbing (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2296980/Perez-Hiltons-baby-Mario-Were-thrilled-introduce-angel-son.html) nobody likes gay people more than me, but I saw this photo and thought, Anita Bryant had some good points. It made me feel homophobic.

I’m back at work at Billy on the Street. I have two pals in the room with me, our pal Jeffrey Self and our pal Jake Fogelnest. I’m having a blast to be perfectly honest. We’re dangerously close to a Potbelly Sandwich Shop. Here’s what I discovered today, this was exhilarating in the way that my brained ticked on the uh-oh this is dangerous. I had a chiropractic masseuse. He’s just a masseuse but I put adjective in—let’s say orthopedic, so it didn’t seem sleazy. One day I realized he was dangerously close to Loehman’s. I found out that Potbelly sells the same cookies that Panera Bread sells. Fine, this is not a sexy story. I am not flirting with you, that’s the nice thing about this show. You can stop being polite and start being real. There’s an oatmeal chip cookie, and it’s so good. It comes in a bag, and the ingredients are listed on the back—cool story.

The royal baby, I think it is weird they named him Jason Alexander. Everybody likes that show. I can’t believe they paraded that poor woman out in front of the cameras not even 24 hours after she gave birth. She was beaming. Do you know why? You know why. I confuse her with Kate Beckinsale. I know it’s not Kate Beckinsale, nor is it Katie Holmes. Couldn’t it be? Couldn’t those all be the same brunette?

The other things that all came and went this week faster than any meme I have experienced being exhausted in that amount of time was the Carlos Danger meme. That was beaten to death with an aluminum bat on twitter so quickly it was a hate crime. Anthony Weiner, who is garbage, maybe it’s old fashioned of me to take umbrage with politicians who are sleazy sex creeps, but I do. It’s just part of who I am. Maybe I’ll give you my “We are All Monica Lewinsky” lecture in a minute. That’s one of my favorite sermons. I haven’t delivered that one in a while.

Anthony Weiner was calling himself Carlos Danger. You know this. Like I said, it was exhausted. We fucked it so hard it had to sit in an oatmeal bath for a few days, the whole concept. The jokes were good. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed our jokes together. It was just over so quickly. That’s what we all said.

Everyone is in Montreal at the Montreal Comedy Festival this week. You can learn more about by going to HaHaHa.com. This is not a joke that has been the website for the Montreal Comedy Festival since it began, I think. I don’t know why it’s not HaHaHa.ca. Maybe some of our Canadian friends can help me debunk that.

Congratulations to our friends who are new faces of Montreal. Andrew Johnston is one, I think. Jimmy Jazz is another. Jimmy Jazz wants to be known as Josh now. That’s weird. He wants a Bar Mitzvah.

It’s no longer as hot as it was. We are basically in the part of the summer where David Letterman has Jay Thomas on. It’s hot. There was Carlos Danger. Everyone is tired. Why don’t I have the money to go to the Hamptons? That’s where New York kind of…believe me this is more linear than my madness lets on…In Ghostbusters 2 the bad energy that New Yorkers… what was the plot? I know there was some painting restoration. Wasn’t there bad energy? I know Dan Aykroyd got a blow job from a ghost in the first one. Jake Fogelnest points out was PG. Parental Guidance suggested not enforced—Dan Aykroyd is not going to get blown by a ghost or anything.

My point about this time of the year, New York City and Ghostbusters is that New Yorkers don’t need any additional negative energy. We begin psychically to resemble the hot garbage smell that has worn us down gradually, slowly, surely. We work so hard to live here. Our air-conditioning is not up to the task. We are better than it and we are barely even making the line.

My next guest is Jay Thomas.

I used to intern at Letterman. Did I ever talk about that on the show? I interned at Letterman when I wa sin college. I wasn’t his type. I got Courtney Love Fiji water. It was the first time I’d ever heard of Fiji water before. I got Dane Cook Imodium AD. It was his first time on Letterman…you know why, because he had diarrhea. Why else does anybody get Imodium AD to be a manic pixie dream girl?

Hey guys, before I come over can you have two kinds of string cheese? A tiny harmonica and a sugar bowl full of Imodium AD? Oh my god Chloe is adorable.
Dennis Farina is dead. Based on my limited knowledge of god he’s trying to rob us of all of our character actors that can play trustworthy fathers, which is interesting in the sense of what America and American culture means and has become. Enjoy those dad actors, God. Who are our dads now? James Gandolfini is dead. Dennis Farina is gone. Who are our dads? Alan Thicke? Fuck you, Thicke with an ‘e’.

I have one more episode of Orange is the New Black. It’s so good guys. Holy Cow. It’s so good for so many different reasons. It’s good because it very Television-y, capital ‘T’ Televison-y, even though it’s on your computer. It’s cliff-hanger-y, serial, and characters. I talked about how charming it was that Crazy Eyes has an arc. It’s opened my mind to the bisexuality that I didn’t really explore at NYU. That’s none of your business. The show is evocative. Natasha Lyonne couldn’t be better. I wonder if the show is rounding up lesbians. I will say that I am a little concerned that Orange is the New Black might be a secret government project to get all show business lesbians on some kind of list. I don’t think the government gives Lea DeLaria anything she can’t handle.

I want to thank Thomas Ezekiel Williams for setting up Howwasyourwiki.com. Please go there. Howwasyourwiki.com. You can update the things that you know about the show on that website yourself. It’s a user interactive friendly site. Go on Howwasyourwiki.com. You are way more organized than I am. You can add or subtract to the Redhead Hall of Fame. You can list facts from past episodes, guests, morsels, best interventions ever...

Did you see that last Intervention? Oh god it crushed me! It crushed me like a tin can. So many people are going to die now that that show is gone. 64% rate of people staying sober. I’ll take it. I’ll take those odds. Allison the keyboard dust huffer, she’s doing great. It was a beautiful show. Now it has been replaced by Catfish. If you think I am wrong, I’m not. I’m not wrong. Catfish is our Intervention now. We have updates at the end. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Do you know what we should also be ashamed of ourselves in regards to is I just learned what Zog Sports is. I’ve seen people wearing the T-shirts. I just assumed it was a cult. They have dorky T-shirts. They are all over the place. Everyone has seen people in a Zog shirt. Am I completely off-base? Is this an East Coast Jewish thing? I don’t know. I always wondered what that was but never enough to ask. I guess somebody referred to it on Twitter which is my only interaction with the outside world on some level. I googled it. I found out that Zog Sports is basically a way for adults to play sports with each other even though they work in offices. Zog Sports is a for-profit corporation that operates Co-ed Sports Leagues throughout NYC, NJ, Washington DC, CT, Atlanta, San Francisco, and LA. The company brands its services as an attempt to bring together young professionals—you already lost me—and to encourage them to live a more active social lifestyle—ugh!!-- while promoting social action. Zog sports organizes, this is when I got-why did I eat that extra piece of turkey sick. Zog sports organizes recreational sports leagues in various sports such as American Football, soccer, Volleyball, Basketball, Dodgeball, and Kickball. The end. I’m closing this window.

The only good thing about being grown up is that you don’t have to play kickball. I don’t understand why anyone would willingly, and for-profit means pay for the opportunity to wear a red short or a blue shirt—everything I hated as a kid. I imagine it’s the same person that thinks that going to the office and doing the same thing everyday isn’t so bad because I can play volleyball at the end of the week? What the fuck is that? OH! I am alarmed.

It’s like you realize that people walk among you with these very dark beliefs. How can we co-exist as humans? How is this pleasurable to you? That’s not what the weekend is for. It was very hot last Saturday. You have to see Jimmy from down the hall in shorts on top of it? Do you know what kind of shoes you have to wear in grass? Shitty shoes. Shoes that make your legs look like garbage. How muc sun screen you have to put on. Should I roll up the sleeves of this T-shirt. You know I don’t own a T-shirt, right?

I have one T-shirt. It was a Monkees tour T-shirt and it was a gift. I’m keeping it because it’s adorable and a very cool memento. If it were up to me it would be a flattering tank and I’d wear it over the the bike shorts I am going to wear to pose on the Citibike that you guys raised enough money for you to be photographed on. This is very exciting. As of this week we have raised enough money to get me to pose on a Citibike. I’m just telling him right now via this recording-Spoony you are going to art direct it. One of my bra straps will be showing. That’s all you know about it. Congratulations, you scoundrels. You’ve tipped Spoony the sufficient amount of money for us to stage a photo shoot in which I will straddle a Citibike and take a photograph. Congratulations. Mazel Tov.

Should I talk about Anthony Weiner and Monica Lewinsky? Fine. This whole idea that we walk among people that have different values than us is occasionally alarming when you hear people like Adam Carolla say that men and women have more differences than different races. Oh, gee. Ok. Is this your way of abetting a race war.

Abetting—that’s my favorite character on Community. I head Dan Harmon is not going to make a stink this season. Why does that character talk like a man named Winslow?
We all have different values. Men and women are different. Sex means different things to men and compartmentalizing, and values aren’t necessarily the same. Just because someone cheats in their personal life doesn’t affect their professional life. Here’s why all of that is wrong. Whenever we reward men in a position of power by giving them more power despite how they treat other human beings we are basically saying the human beings they treated terribly don’t matter. Those human beings are invariably women whom they’ve abused their power. Young women on the other side of those text messages.

I know that I should feel as bad for Huma as I do for the young lady I am sure the New York Post will disparage with an unflattering photograph soon enough. I always feel for the misled girl. I always ache for her because she could have been me in a flutter of a butterfly’s wing. I could have been Monica Lewinsky. We talk about this sometimes on the show. If things had been slightly different who would you be? I would have been a burlesque performer. I’m self-deprecating. In reality I would never be a burlesque performer, give me a break. Come on. I like noodles sure, I have a little extra on the side but I’ve got taste.

I’m not going to shake it to Las Vegas grind at jumbos Clown Shop. I’m just not, in any universe. Let’s take that off the table in terms of who I’d be if things were slightly different. Do you know who I’d be if things were slightly different? I’d be Monica Lewinsky. We’d all be Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky is all of us. She is an educated beautiful young woman who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was giving him Nicholson Baker novels. The whole thing was…we’ve all read pop fiction in the 90s that was sort of sexy.

If I had chosen to be in politics instead of whatever god forsaken incarnation of show business I consider myself in at the end of the tax year when I have to write it down. I had berets. I wore a beret in college in the winter. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get to explore my bisexuality enough. Girls were like no to the thanks. But I think Anthony Weiner is a despicable human being. I think his wife is a coward and garbage and a lousy role model public figure. I think there should be consequences for men who are garbage. That’s all.

Who’s the other one? Spitzer? He’s looking more and more like Richard Kiel. His frontal lobe is increasing daily. He is becoming a monster. He’s disgusting. I feel so bad for Jews. It’s not bad that we’re thought of as more sexual than we have in the past. I guess Woddy Allen put a dent in that. Hey guys, remember when Woody Allen fucked his adopted daughter and then married her and said it was the only relationship he has managed to make work. That’s hilarious! You are a sick person. But Blue Jasmine sure looks fun. Hey guys, Andrew Dice Clay slicks his hair right back for it.

I’m sanctimonious this week, but I do love men. I love men so much. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong. Oh boy! This week on How Was Your Week Julie does some grappling, not that kind of grappling Grandpa. Put that waffle syrup away.

Why did women wrestle in mud in the 80s? What was going on with us? What was in our collective unconscious that we thought sploshing was really interesting? Let’s think about that for a second. I know that it’s tied to wrestling. I know that when I saw Who’s Harry Crumb that my parents got cable and that move was on constantly either on HBO or the Movie Channel or both. There was a scene where Harry Crumb was rubbing mud into some character actress that I should be humiliated not to have instant recall of. He was rubbing therapeutic mud into her ass and playing tic tac toe with his fingers in mud. Was it erotic? Yeah but it was also confusing. There’s something about those comedies. They assume you are in it for goofy laughs but also that you’re horny teenage boy. Great, I’ve gone back to the sanctimonious box.

The Sanctimonious Box, by the way, is going to be my next one-woman show. It’s going to be in a black box theater.

Speaking of theater Stage Door Manor is doing a production of In the Heights this summer. I don’t think I’m allowed to attend because I don’t have a child. It would be creepy if I went to a sleep away camp and said, “I’m here for In the Heights.” One, for In the Heights. Who are you? “I’m Jubees. I’m Jubees Klausner.” No dice. No dice lady.

Let’s start the show.

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-19T18:21:16Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete
|-

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-19T18:19:47Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete
|-

|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 19, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 125: "Shitty Shoes"

2014-11-19T18:17:36Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Julie likes her sandwich with a little bit of dirt

2014-11-19T18:12:20Z

Amyg:

In Episode 126 and 127 a certain type of guy that Julie likes is discussed

John Slattery

Vince Gilligan

Steve Buscemiin Living in Oblivion

Michael Keaton, obviously

James Spader

Julie likes her sandwich with a little bit of dirt

2014-11-19T18:12:02Z

Amyg: Created page with "In Episode 126 and 127 a certain type of guy that Julie likes is discussed John Slattery Vince Gilligan Steve Buscemiin Living in Oblivion Michael keaton, obviously James..."

In Episode 126 and 127 a certain type of guy that Julie likes is discussed

John Slattery

Vince Gilligan

Steve Buscemiin Living in Oblivion

Michael keaton, obviously

James Spader

The "How Was Your Week?" Wiki

2014-11-19T18:06:01Z

Amyg: /* Features */

== The Show ==

[[Episodes]]

[[Guests]]

[[Monologue Transcripts]]

[[HWYW Mobile App and Premium Subscription]]

[[Donate to the Show and HWYW Merchandise | Donate to the Show, Get T-Shirts, etc...]]

== Features ==

[[Bands Mentioned on The Podcast]]

[[Book Club]]

[[Capital J Jewish]]

[[Celebrity Wife Swap]]

[[Citibike Campaign]]

[[Coen Brother's Tattoos]]

[[Could Julie choose members of The White Castle Hall of Fame?]]

[[Critter Hall of Fame]]

[[C**t Skeleton]]

[[Differences between Spoony and Dee Dee Ramone]]

[[Enemies of the Show]]

[[Fan Art]]

[[Food or Drink Mentioned on the Show]]

[[Top 30 Fruits | Fruit, Ranked]]

[[Groovy People]]

[[Hall of Creeps]]

[[Hidey's Hiding Corner!]]

[[HWYW Guest Hall of Fame]]

[[HWYW Technical Notes]]

[[Julie's Cavalcade of Characters!!!]]

[[Julie Klausner's Favorite Animals of All Time, Ranked]]

[[Julie Klausner's Favorite Female Intervention Cast Members, Ranked]]

[[Julie likes her sandwich with a little bit of dirt]]

[[Julie's Watching You]]

[[Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes ]]

[[List of 90's Hookers]]

[[List of 90's SlutShame Martyrs]]

[[List: New York Walk of Fame]]

[[Movie Club]]

[[Music sung or referenced on the show]]

[[Origins of Episode Titles]]

[[People and Things Julie Adores]]

[[People and Things Julie Despises]]

[[People Who Vowed Not to Work with Pauley Perrette]]

[[Places]]

[[Photos of Animals (Listening to HWYW)]]

[[Pod hits & misses]]

[[Recipes]]

[[Redhead Hall of Fame]]

[[Redhead Hall of Shame]]

[[Songs Dissected on the Podcast]]

[['splaining]]

[[Spoony's Recaps]]

[[Theatre Club]]

[[Theme Song]]

[[The Word that Must Never be Used]]

[[Things not to tell Julie]]

[[Things To Consider Prior To Sleeping With An Older Man]]

[[TV Club]]

[[Vernaculair]]

[[Weirdo Hall of Fame]]

[[What Makes a Woman Beautiful]]

== Other Julie Things ==

[[Julie's Appearances On Other Shows]]

[[Julie Live!]]

== Show Staff ==

[[Julie Klausner]]

[[Chris "Spoony" Spooner]]

[[Ted "Teddy" Leo]]

[[Ryan "Hotlips" Houlihan]]

[[Jimmy "Jax" Jazz]]

[[Smiley Muffin]]

Episode 126: "Cool Story, Dennis"

2014-11-19T18:03:35Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Rabbit, rabbit, motherfuckers. It’s Julie Klausner talking to you on August 1. We made it through the wilderness, virtually, it’s only August.

Hello. Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW. Boy oh boy.
I just came back from a little trip. I was in Los Angeles. I got to watch an episode of The Newsroom from this season with our pal Patton Oswalt. Holy cow! Oh my god. I was having a successful time avoiding the episode so far from season 2. Wow! Did I miss a plot point in the first two episodes of the season in which Allison Pill became horribly burned? She looks like there’s something going on with her face that extends beyond the eyebrows she doesn’t have. There’s some Edvard Munch… There’s a chance she is a ghost. At the end of the season there will be a reveal. Shamalan will direct the last episode. No one can direct an episode of that show without Sorkin breathing…I feel like his breath always smells like Nutri-grain bars…I was going to say down the neck of whoever is directing.

He’s a short man, right? He’s a short, stocky blond Jew. I feel like he will breathe down the nape of you…is it called the nape? That part of your elbow that always gets eczema when it is humid? The other disturbing things that happened this week on The Newsroom include Will McAvoy wearing a purple V-neck. Men, never do that. I have no problem with a shawl collar, stick to your neutrals-grays, browns, blacks, whites, and taupe. If you play golf do pink, or checks of any kind. If I ever see anyone except for my dad, who gets a free pass in general because he gave me life, trying to do a purple V-neck and be taken seriously in the same stride, I will lose my mind. At one point, who plays the lady who works for TMI? It’s not Hope Davis or Sarah Polley, she made love to Will McAvoy, we later find out. I say that coming. She’s wearing a black slip, a full slip like Elizabeth Taylor in Butterfield 08. She’s wearing a thing that no woman wears after intercourse in 2011. It’s two years ago.

I was talking about this with our pal Aimee Mann. I have name-dropped my television watching buddies. I’m fine with it. And so are you, unless you’re not in which case, go listen to Car Talk. That’s the only other podcast besides this one right? Aimee Mann pointed out that the two year ago-ness of Newsroom is probably its most irrelevant feature. There are many things that are despicable about it, but as far as its irrelevance, the old news of it, the recently old news…the Newsroom would almost be more engaging if it covered events that happened 4 years ago. Something about having to remember the time that the gay veteran was booed at the Republican Candidate Debate just gets under my tits in the eczema zone. Yah skin! Summer skin.

In important news, I met Gloria Steinem since I spoke to you last. I had the opportunity to host the Bust 20th Anniversary Awards Party and Celebration live show at the Bell House last week. I got to give an award to Kathleen Hannah who spoke so beautifully that I got chills, and then I met Gloria Steinem. That was amazing. I want to thank Bust for letting me do that. I got to talk to Gloria Steinem back stage about Mad Men, and about the Source Family documentary. She said something in her speech about how we shouldn’t be nostalgic for the 50s. I lived though them and they were horrible.

I have given Gloria some shit in the past. I watched that Doc and talked about it with you. Because of her stoicism and seriousness she doesn’t come across as a lady with a loud sense of humor. She had to be that way. She had to go on Dick Cavett and hold her own while everyone else was trying to find a crack to ridicule the notion that women were unequal to men during a time in which the remote control had already been invented. I retract anything negative or any sort of reluctance to admit that Gloria Steinem is a true goddess. First of all she is so much smarter and gets it more than most women half her age. I have never seen anyone thinner or with a more striking profile. It’s not about her beauty.

I talked to her about the Source Family documentary and I said I really loved what you said about not being nostalgic for the 50s and even the 60s because people, and by people I mean Anthony Bourdain, Will McAvoy, the Dad whose kids you used to babysit for insert him here. He’d say, “One time I smoked a joint…” Cool story Dennis. How so many people are nostalgic for the freedom of the 50s and in reality it was another way to subjugate women and to keep them in their place.

She said during the civil rights movement women had the same roles as they did before. They were just fetching coffee for different people. She said the Civil Rights movement was important. I said Gloria, “I knew there’d be a black president before a female president.” She said, “I did too.” There are so many of us it’s confusing. We’re not a minority. Sexism is almost closer to homophobia because there’s an invisibility element to it. There are so many of us it is difficult for people to conceive that we are a minority of some kind. We are not technically.

I said, “I saw this movie about the Source Family.” I was changing the subject. I don’t know how to talk to people. “You know even in the 60s men thought it was ok to fuck a million different women and not be faithful to wives but they thought it was ok. You know when someone says, “it’s not the other people that bother me, it’s the dishonesty? The thing with cheating, it’s not the sex with someone else, it’s the dishonesty.” It’s both. In the documentary I was struck by how this hippie garbage bag was sticking their filthy kidney bean into ladies of all sorts and then blaming us for feeling jealousy as though it was part of our make-up of being uptight because we didn’t know how to ball properly.
She said in one of the first issues of Ms. Magazine one of the cover stories had the following headline The Sexual Revolution was not our War. I said Gloria Steinem get over here and let me take a photo with you where it looks like I am crushing you because you have bird bones. She also said she’d seen a few episodes of Mad Men and she found it very good.

Which feminist sermon did you get last week? The We are All Monica Lewinski Sermon? This week I remind you as I am wont to do that when it comes to boomers in leather jackets who look back on the 60s fondly, most of that has to do with the sexual entitlement they had thinking they could ball a bunch of chicks at the same time and they weren’t uptight about it because it was out in the open. Whereas, in fact, they are the same men as their fathers, these Don Draper mother-fuckers who kept everything secret and compartmentalized, and had the same selfish dehumanizing instinct which is to treat women as need fulfilling objects. That’s all Amen. Please turn to page 46 of your read-alongs.

I have some things to say about Pauley Perrette. I have nothing to say about Pauley Perrette.

I am so excited that the Howwasyourwiki is being filled out. Have you visited Howwasyourwiki? Go to Howwasyourwiki.com. There are a lot of great thing son it. There could be more. There’s book club, movie club, past guests. There’s enemies of the show and a terrific Pauley Perrette entry in which it spell out exactly why she’s human garbage. She’s a real toilet person. There’s a section called vernaculair in which certain words I pronounce in an unusual way are listed an enjoyed by you. Visit that and add to it.

I was in LA as I mentioned for a few days. While I was gone Auntie Renate took care of Jimmy Jazz who likes to be called Josh now. He knocked over two glasses and broke them. Good job Josh.

I drove around in LA mostly singing out loud to Meatloaf’s Bat out of Hell which is a karaoke killer. I listen to the songs on that album and I feel like I can see where Jim Steinman is coming from in terms of, “I don’t know where to cut.” Jim, this is an 8 minute long song. How are we going to get it on the radio? You’ve got to get it down to 3 or 4 minutes tops. It’s the 70s. All right I’ll give it a listen. He’s listening. He’s got his big headphones on. He’s wearing his cape. Believe me this is lean. All right.

(Julie sings the song)
That is such a good album, unless it’s not. I still like it. Maybe I just like it because it’s in my key.

I have a lot of different experiences with Jew camp. Tu bishvat, that is the day in which we celebrate trees in the Jewish holiday pantheon. I’ll use that word. It sounds like panther and Odeon. I don’t know what words mean. I like to feel them on my tongue. Lag B’omer—I don’t know what Lag B’omer is but it means we go away for a couple of days or a week and at the time we went to Camp Ramah which has the worst food and the prettiest chapel. It was a Jewish camp in which we were divided into teams. We had to do things that were horrible like relay races, and not making out. Maybe other people made out, I never did. That was everything that makes me who I am, whatever, who cares, you’re not my shrink.

At Lag B’omer the girls got really into Bat out of Hell and there was week of, “I want you. I need you. There aint’ no way I’m ever going to love you, now don’t be sad (don’t be sad) ‘cause two out of three ain’t bad.” By the way, I just sped that up five times faster. It was generally a lot slower. That’s another way the producer could have worked on it—keep everything the way it is just make it regular time. Let it have the pace of say I’m Sailing Away. How dare you? Get out of my dungeon.

That’s how I got turned on to Meatloaf, by 12 year old Jewish girls. I look back and think of so much of who I am and what has shaped my decision making was by three girls named Jen.

Speaking of Jen, Jennifer Aniston got a strippers body for the film We’re the Millers, in which a bunch of dirt bags pass as a suburban couple and do some dirt-bag deeds. Naturally Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper because in the previews she’s wearing a wig and a bikini. So that’s fun.

It was a slow news day the other day because everybody like People.com, Huffpo Celebrity was running an item about how she had an all-kale diet. Jezebel pointed out that Kale chips were considered cheating. Ok, okay everybody thanks. Thanks for taking a syringe filled with poison and putting it directly into the part of my brain that processes and understands things. Nobody needs to know about Jennifer Aniston’s stripper kale diet. By the way is stripper kale diet the three worst words that have ever been strung together after Jen Aniston? Or is it John Mayer’s downstairs? I don’t need to know that. It bums me out.

I made a funny or die video when I was in LA that you can see at the Internet Cat Video Film Festival Labor Day weekend at the Minnesota State Fair. I know that’s a lot, but it is happening. I am hosting that in Minneapolis and I intend to have fun. I wore glasses in it because I was doing a character. Boom! I’m a sketch comedienne! There were no frames in the glasses. I asked the lady stylist, “Will people notice there are no frames in these glasses? She said that in Benjamin Button, I swear to god, Brad Pitt wears a pair of glasses and there are never any lenses in it and nobody notices. I said, “Give me those glasses, you’ve convinced me.” I thought to myself I never saw Benjamin Buttons. Was that the name of it? Was it called the mysterious case of Benjamin Buttons who kept disappearing under the guise of aging backwards? It had a longer title than Benjamin Buttons, but that’s what we know it as. What a good movie. I got three seconds into that movie. What happened? An old baby was born in the first three seconds? I don’t remember. Who’s the woman? Naomi Watts dressed up as Princess Diana.

Do millenials remember Princess Diana? They know of her. I was never a big Princess Diana fan. I am going to admit that to you. I like Duran Duran. If Princess Dian were a guy I totally would have had him finger me constantly. That’s my type. I like my James Spader. A friend of mine had breakfast with me recently and I mentioned a couple of actors I had crushes on. I said John Slattery obviously, Steve Buscemi in Living in Oblivion is the ultimate hunk, Michael Keaton obviously. She said ooh. You like a little dirt in your sandwich. Somebody send that to Howwasyourwiki.

Carnie Wilson is on twitter. She’s trying too hard. Carnitas Wilson. My curling iron broke while I was in LA. I was in a hotel. I was blow drying my hair, I finished blow drying my hair (let’s get this story straight!) I blow dried my hair with my diffuser, then plugged in my curling iron and guess what? It didn’t heat up. This is a horror story. This is right out of Camp Ramah sitting around a camp fire after all of the Meatloaf songs have been sung and the Jewish girls wanted to get the shit scared out of them.

I had to go to a beauty supply store a few days later and get a new one from a woman who could not have been more uncomfortable and who was listening to the Best of Abba. I asked, “Should I buy the ceramic or…” This is not a good story-anyway, it was a nightmare having my curling iron broke. You can’t call downstairs and ask if there’s an extra curling iron. You don’t do that. I stayed at the Riot House, the Hotel Andaz in West Hollywood where Keith Moon haunts the room on all of the odd floors.
Face Off is coming back. It’s an All starts episode. I hope what’s his name with the hat, the guy from Texas. He should win. I also got a couple of notices (this sound like a Humblebrag) David Sedaris gave you a shout out on Facebook. Billy Eichner gave you a shout out on watch what happens live. While both of those things mean everything to me and I love knowing that those are both true things, you have to understand I’m like Santa Claus for gay people. I know everything they’re doing. I know when they are sleeping… (that was a song clearly written by a gentile right?)

That’s interesting—Christmas songs that were not written by Jews—like the bad ones. Here Comes Santa Claus, that’s the worst song. Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer, I’d actually wager that was written by a guy named Marty. I feel like that was one of us. This is just me guessing.

I have a couple of shows I want to tell you about, August 10th I’m going to be in San Francisco doing the Cab Show at noon in the park. It should be great. That’s really how cabaret shows are meant to be enjoyed, under harsh day light with trees in reaching distance. Bridgett Everett will be my guest. She will join me on a couple of tunes. That is the Outside Lands Festival.

Our pal Rob Sheffield has a beautiful new book out called Turn Around Bright Eyes about Karaoke. I’m going to be interviewing him Monday August 5th at the Strand at 7pm. Come and see us there. There will be a photo of me posing on a Citibike in a humiliating way coming up. We are working on it. I just got home. Give me a second to breathe. I’m also trying to figure out how to use my new curling iron. By the way, I did not go with the ceramic, thank you for caring about that.

Please continue to tip Spoony whose wife is pregnant with a little girl by going to Paypal.com and Klausnerama.com.

If I forget to tell you something we’re going to see each other next week. That’s the nice thing about the show. Keep checking in with each other. We stay in touch. That’s important.

Let’s start the show. We have one guest…

Episode 126: "Cool Story, Dennis"

2014-11-19T17:59:35Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers but Expensive"

2014-11-19T15:11:18Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Hello. Hello. Hi everybody it’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.

I’m feeling a little sad right now. I found out that Karen Black died before I am recording this. I’m sad, not because I was the biggest Karen Black fan but David Ozanich was and David Ozanich also dies this year. If you look in the archives you can find an episode in which he and I talk about his favorite Karen Black performances. I hope somewhere she is hanging out with him, making him laugh and telling him crazy stories with no self-awareness. Oh boy. There’s nothing like starting off a show with death that reminds you of more death. It’s been a year since David Rakoff passed away as well. That’s why I’m starting off sad this week.

What can I do with that? Well I can remind you to love each other so that’s good. I can recommend the movie Nashville which is also very special. I can just continue to be completely transparent with you about my emotions which is not meaningless. I like having this weekly opportunity to check in with you. That’s why I am sad to announce that Time Warner cable has not taken me off the air like they did to CBS. Do any of you get Time Warner Cable and CBS isn’t where it used to be—Channel 2—now it’s Starz Kids and Family, which is fine. How’s Letterman’s summer? I used to watch a lot more late night talk shows than I do which made it all the more revelatory when I saw that Colbert clip the other day. You guys have seen it. It’s a two-parter. There’s a clip of Stephen Colbert dancing. I really do believe that the mark of an extraordinary performer or comedian or comedic performer, I’m not exactly sure what this philosophy is but what I am getting at is you should be able to watch them simply dance for an extended period of time and it should be wildly entertaining. You should find yourself laughing even though, the part of your brain that thinks about what the game of this is, is turned off. You are experiencing pure joy. That is what Colbert can do in addition to one billion other things.
He can use his voice and body to sing and dance in a way that is so gratifying to bear witness to. And bear witness. He’s a living example of why when your mother tells you to take piano lessons or ballet, and you do, and then you have a tool in your tool box. If one day you are as extraordinarily talented as Stephen Colbert you can pull it out and use it and dazzle people until they are blinded with what they think is the joke of it but really is just your star-power. There were two parts, one was the clip of him dancing, and the other is him telling MTV fuck you because he had booked Daft Punk and MTV said you can’t do that because we have exclusive rights. So he had an amazing fuck you to Van Toffler, an MTV executive, which is something that Letterman would have done to NBC executives. It was so cool. I’m sorry but it was punk rock ok? It was almost as punk rock as the new trailer for the CBGBs show with Malin Akerman as Debbie Harry. I have no idea what to make of that.

That was one part that was so well written with a couple of jokes in there about the French not being very good with exclusive relationships. Oh my god! I’m not a sports person but you keep hitting things. Homeruns? You got to watch Colbert dance. He spots his turns. Among other things, Donna McKechnie, one of the best turn spotters…Turnspotting was my favorite 90s movies that took place near a terlot. There are so many turns at the end of Music in the Mirror. That’s when you are doing turns and your head is the last thing to whip around so you don’t get dizzy and throw up. You get to see Colbert doing that and reaching full extension when he and the Rockettes are dancing from the side.
Even though the search engine optimized headline would be Watch Colbert Danced to Daft Punk with all of these celebrities, Bryan Cranston, and Henry Kissinger, every frame you are only watching Stephen Colbert. That is…to paraphrase Waiting for Guffman, there’s only one other person who can do that and it is Barbra Streisand.

I saw Buyer and Cellar. It was incredibly great. It’s a play which takes place in an antique shop below Barbra Streisand’s Malibu home. It’s not an antique shop, it’s a mall of fake stores in her cellar where she keeps things that she doesn’t have room for upstairs. She decided one point to display them like they were stores where you could shop. That’s the premise. I apologize if I am ‘mansplaining this to you because you may very well know. She went on Oprah and showed the pre-taped video tour of her home and it was like a Mill. It was like a fucking Stew Leonard’s. It opened with her VO saying, “I’ve always loved water. That’s like if you took your writing instructor’s voice very literally and were to start an essay as generally as possible and then narrowed down the first paragraph to a fine point. That’s her narration style.

Buyer and Cellar takes place there and is so brilliant, wonderful and funny. I’m trying to get people involved with the show so you don’t need to suggest. Barbra Streisand is someone who is not punk rock.

Have we discussed this? An idea I have had over one too many bowls of late night raisin bran. I say, “Liza’s punk rock, but Barbra’s not.” Someone who may or may not be in my head or on Gchat will say, “Uh-huh.” I’ll know he agrees with me. Liza is punk rock. She is. She was hanging out at Studio 54 doing god knows what. She’s royalty. Forget it. I don’t need to explain to you why Liza is more punk than Barbra Streisand. What does that make Cher? It makes Cher David Bowie. God. I’m so angry now.

I used to rag on Lovelace. Wasn’t Malin Ackerman originally going to play Lovelace? I’ve gotten to the point where I have come to terms that I am going to see Lovelace. I am probably going to see Lovelace in the theater. Theaters? I’m going to see Lovelace in every theater in Manhattan and review it on Yelp! each time. I am already depressed about it. I know they fooled around with taglines for the poster—Go Deep, that sort of thing. One of the rejected taglines was-Porn Ruins Lives, because it does.

Gloria Steinem was at the premier which was weird. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what’s good or bad. I know that CBGBs movie looks terrible. Why didn’t they cast Adam Driver as Joey Ramone? Who is asleep at the wheel? A lot of people. I think it was a group drive. If the production of that CBGBs movie…is that what it’s called? That CBGBs movie? If the production of that CBGBs movie was a bus, it would be organized so that the majority of the seating would be behind the wheel, which I know is a tough visual because it makes the bus look horizontal. But maybe it’s deep, more like a theater sort of style seating. Everybody’s driving that bus. Where’s it going? Directly into the lake.

What do you guys think of a lake? Do you prefer a lake to a pond? That’s another thing; Barbra had ponds built for her. That’s not unusual for the nouveaux set. It’s easy to make a pond. What does it require? An afternoon, a hose, and one of those machines that has a claw and says CAT on the side of it. I don’t know what those are called. Do not tell me. Dirt diggers?

I remember when I found out that CAT stood for caterpillar. Does it? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s some sort of dreadful acronym. But I was disappointed because I thought it was referring to kitty cats.

The Mumford and Son music video is terrible. I need to say this because not enough happened that I am angry about. I am so angry about how bad the Mumford and Sons video is. Are people saying it? I don’t know. It’s so bad. Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Ed Helms, and Jason Bateman are in it. They just lip-sync to a Mumford and Sons song and they leave. There’s no joke except for that those guys are funny guys. It bummed me out. It was phoned in. It was lit like a catalog. It was either lit like a catalog or the cover of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I’m sick of all this folksy shit. Is folksy the new whimsy. Is this what it’s come to? Were not into polka-dots and cupcakes anymore. We’ve turned around and now we’re into brown leather, when Ralph Lauren said, “Throw a violin up there with the shirts. It will be like Fuddruckers but expensive. That’s what we have instead of good old-fashioned soulful, I didn’t know what I am going for here. There is Har Mar Superstar and his album is fantastic. There is good stuff out there, but Mumford and Sons? The Lumineers? Is this Steve Martin’s fault? Is this Steve Martin’s fault for going Bluegrass? Is this the head of the snake we need to cut off in order to get to the rattler?

I don’t know if you guys know this about me but I’m a little bit country. I’m more country than you think you know, than you even think that you know. I’m not talking about Taylor Swift country. I have no disrespect for contemporary country recording artists. I know none of them. I know Reba. I like 70s country, not ironically. What am I a 90s bitch? That’s a current reference from a song. Who sings that—Iconapop? Fuck Mumford and Sons. How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store. That video isn’t funny. I’m sorry. It’s not funny. I have nothing against those guys.

Michael Kay on D-listed said that Zach Galifianakis is probably pissed the he wasn’t in it. I feel like Zach Galifiankis dodged a bullet. I can’t make it work guys, sorry have fun. “We’ll shoot it on your farm.” No, sorry my landlord doesn’t want any more banjos… It’s not even the banjo. I love a banjo. I don’t have any..I don’t discriminate…maybe the didgeridoo, but as far as musical instruments are concerned, bring on the banjo, bring on the fiddle.

Do you think Britney Spears knows that the thing you play the violin with is called a bow? I’m sick of faux folksy. What bothers me about it also is that it is under the veneer of that hyper-masculinity. I have a mustache. I eat bacon like Ron Swanson. You’re a nerd that’s scared of everything. Don’t tinker with what you think other people look at old photos of your dad and glean from you. I know this is defining something in negative terms but that’s not what a man is. Do I know what a man is? What am I a rabbi? What am I Rabbi Schmuley Boteach?

By the way speaking of Jewish things. Finally, I’m back in my niche. Now Julie is going to talk about something she does know something about. The Princesses of Long Island ended with Tashlich, is that what it is called? Tashlich-one throws bread into…look I know what this is. I have done it. I have done it at Rye Playland actually which is on the Bay. I believe it is on the Long Island sound. Anyway, at the end of the high holidays, for those of you who don’t know, forgive me for ‘mansplaining or Jew-splaining as it were. At the end of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Simchat Tora, is that the trilogy of terror? At the end of all that jazz, Jews go to a pond, a lake, an ocean, or a bathtub, a Japanese soaking tub like the ones at the Rivington and we symbolically throw our sins away in the form of taking bread. We throw bread out a lot in the Jewish tradition. We do it at Passover. I have distinctive memories of going to the Bronx Zoo and feeding Matzoh to the ducks. Matzoh is duck food when you think about it. Don’t think about it too hard everybody.

Yes Tashclich, you go you have some bread, you throw it in the water. It is supposed to wash away your sins. Ideally there are ducks so it is not wasteful. That’s what these hookers did at the end of the Princesses of Long Island. It was fantastic. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. I was watching it and thinking who’s going to get this? The people who are watching it, you idiot. Do you think you are the only person why gets the joke? The people who made it. How about the people who are in it? Have you ever thought of that or did I just blow your fucking mind? The Princesses of Long Island is a good show starring one good person. That person’s name is Snell. I am very fond of Amanda. I think Jeff should have asked her to marry him. I don’t think he’s gay as I have mentioned in the past. I am looking forward to more of it. I hope they make more of it.

Real Housewives of Miami is coming back on Monday. I originally said I was going to recap it for Vulture. I cannot do that right now. I’m a little bit too slammed. I’m too crazy to be taking on a new show to recap. I will continue to recap Beverly Hills and New York City. I will be watching Miami so I’ll be talking about it. I don’t think Karent is going to be a series regular, or no she’s not a principle. She is not a cast member but she’s going to be a regular on the show. It’s a disappointing phenomenon that she’s not going to be a full housewife because her name is Karen with a ‘t’, and she was a dentist. I think it will still be worthwhile.

I am very excited about Face Off coming back this week. I am very much enjoying this season of Catfish the musical starring Niv as Hitler. Niv is not as bad as Hitler. Max on the other hand…ugh! I would hate fuck Max from here to Timbuktu. He’s so hot and yet he’s Max from Catfish. Oy. They had a woman with a glass eye this week and a guy who was an asshole who was sending her pictures of his dong. He was very very angry when he found out she was fat because she was in a car accident and the steroids made her gain a ton of weight. The boyfriend who was driving the car at the time abandoned her and made fun of her missing eye. This is what she says. You also have to be a little skeptical when you do meet Catfishes. This is what I have learned.

I want to finish the story just so you know exactly how big of an asshole this guy was. First of all he smoked during his interviews which is something you should never do. Don’t smoke on camera. Unless you’re Lemme. He had a Brodown. He came back home after he met her. “She totally lied to me bro.” It sounds like you were helpful in this person’s life during a tough time. “ She totally lied to me bor. She was just using me to feel better about herself. She was going to kill herself. “She was fat bro.” If you’re a woman you can get away with genocide before you can get away with being fat. I say this because I have killed so many people, this week alone. As long as you’re white…I am not getting on anything except that when you’re woman and you’re fat you’re judged so unfairly. It’s terrible. It’s so terrible. It’s the worst thing. Unless you are in Africa in which case there are other terrible things around you. I’m not very well informed. I read Huffpo Columns mostly.

There are some colorful columnists. Can we agree to disagree about that? This guy wrote a column about why he hates Neil Patrick Harris. Here’s a column it just says, “Shark Week is a Disgrace.” Here’s one by a guy named Mark Vigorito. He wrote a column called Why Neil Patrick Harris is just the Worst (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-vigorito/why-neil-patrick-harris-is-just-the-worst_b_3697243.html).

This I how it begins,
I don't spend very much time thinking about celebrities, really.

Is everybody’s buckl buckled?

I don't read People or Us Weekly. Even in a waiting room, I'm more likely to pick up a news magazine or, heck, even Better Homes and Gardens(though I need to be clear that neither my home nor my garden is what anyone would describe as "better").

I’m going to fast forward here—second paragraph.

Usually the only times I read about celebrities are when they have committed a crime
You’ve established you don’t care about celebrities. Third paragraph
My brushes with fame are few and far between. When I was in college, Audra McDonald and I knocked each other over on the stairs at a studio in New York.

What? Why are you including this anecdote in your article on why you don’t like Neil Patrick Harris? I’m going to do you the favor of skipping over the next paragraph because it is just a link to a blog post yelling at Rupert Everett. Something, something, my son’s summer school…

And then along came Neil Patrick Harris.

Ok Mark Vigorito you do no t take the writing class that said get to the point.
Before Neil Patrick Harris came out, got a gorgeous and talented partner, and had kids, there weren't any really widely known models of gay dadhood for people to assume that I would be like.

First of all Clay Aiken, aka Joseph and the amazing Technicolor gay coat. I’m going to stop readin this now. Basically I think, I haven’t read to the end of this, but I have a feeling that this column s Mark Vigorito is saying he hates Neil Patrick Harris, but what he’s really saying is why are you so perfect? I hate Beyonce.

Oh my god even as I said that out loud I think, you can’ say that out loud. It’s like saying the Mumford and Sons video isn’t funny or that Adele is overweight. By the way Adele is overweight. I love her. I think she’s perfect. She’s not skinny. How’s that? Can I say that? I can’t even say it. Can’t spray it.

The point is nobody thinks about you Mark Vigorito. You’re entering this conversation. This is a conversation. Comments get paid views because that’s the only way people know how to make money with the internet. You realize that right? We’ve come from sitting on yoga balls in loft spaces of dot-coms that look like Tom Hank’s bedroom from the movie Big. Now the only way we’ve found to make money off of technology, except for that tumblr guy, and Hoodie Dude-Zuckerberg, is trolling for page views-clicky clicky clicky. I just posted something stupid so that you’ll click it. Then you said something stupid. You’re going to refresh so that people respond to your stupid thing. Hey man I have a take on all kinds of shit including commenter culture.

The fundamental problem with that is that you are opening the floor with people that start their stream of thought with the premise that everyone else thinks about them as much as they do. Mark Vigorito goes into this by paragraph 6 or 7 assumes that people expect him to be like Neil Patrick Harris. People don’t expect anything from Mark Vigorito. Emily Gould made this point once in a blog post relevant to my interests, or not relevant to my interest and then you have a link—Nobody ask you about your interests. Not everything is a form you fill out that asks you what your favorite movies are. I don’t know I am probably being a crany-cranktagon, Crankypuss.

Last week when I talked about what my type was my friend said, “Oh you like a little dirt in your sandwich.” I remember the examples of the guys I had given for her to glean that. She asked what kind of guys do you like, and I said, “Well, Steve Buscemi in Living in Oblivion, Michael Shannon, and Vince Gilligan.” Every time I see an interview with him-oh my god!!! There’s something about him. There’s some contrast in his face that I really like. There’s something about his dark… I know he has the Zappa but it really works for him. Is that a Van Dyke? I don’t like the word dyke. Anyway mentioning my lust for Vince Gilligan was the thing that evoked my friend commenting I like a little dirt in my sandwich. The truth is I do.

Hugh Laurie has an album out now, it’s his second album. He sings blues jazz and standards mostly. What is it called, Didn’t it Rain. Google Hugh Laurie Didn’t it Rain and find the cover. He’s sitting on a tiny bench playing a tiny toy piano. I think he’s one of the sexiest men who ever walked the earth, though I don’t know what’s going on with his hair plugs. You can’t do it. This album is weirder than when Scarlett Johansson just wanted to sing Tom Waitts songs. We let Scarlett Johansson do whatever she wants. That was when were wondering about Scarlett Johansson- is she going to be James Franco? It turned out she’s going to be Sandra Bullock—is she Sandra Bullock? Nope, she’s just boring. Do you think she liked Blue Jasmine? I didn’t see Blue Jasmine, do you know why? It’s not on demand in my apartment.
What a week.

Sharon Stone is around which is good. At least she’s being photographed with a black eye. We saw Lady Gaga naked. Not to be old-fashioned. Not to let me Gen X show, my Gen X freak flag fly, but how far into her career was Madonna before she finally got around to showing us her gash? She waited. It wasn’t until ’92. Kids today and their pacing.
I have some business to attend to. Citibike update- you will get a photo of me on a Citibike by the end of the summer. That is happening. The photo shoot is happening. Spoony is going to art direct it. Spoony is going to return an additional week. He is out of town. He quit his job. Bless his heart. He’s starting a new one. He has a daughter on the way, and Spoony don’t loaf. When he comes back he and I will take a photo of me on a Citibike and it will be humiliating. That’s happening.
I was going to be in San Francisco this Saturday the 10th and now I am not. I apologize. I cannot make it to the Outside Lands Festival. I will be at Bumbershoot with Ted Leo.
Finally there’s a photo of Gena Davis going around where she’s in her League of their Own costume holding a bow and arrow. There’s a few things I know about Gena Davis, not many. One of those things is that she used to be an archer. I guess she still is. Another thing I know about her is that she’s a member of Mensa. I also know she used to date Jeff Goldbum before he realized I can’t date my own age. That’s my Jeff Goldbum impression. I just found it.

Cronuts…no cronuts yet, just plenty of cookies from Trader Joe’s/ I’ve been working with our pal Jake Fogelenst and a cast of crazy character from Billy on the Street full-time. I have been eating more sandwich cookies than I have ever eaten in my life including kindergarten. Yes, I’ve had some Joe-Joe’s from Trader Joe’s, the oreo’s that are somehow sweeter and less chocolatey. I’ve also had a couple of EL Fudges. Is that the plural? Oh man! Those were a lot better when I was a kid. At least my memories of EL Fudge the man, the cookie, they are not that good. It’s probably coco content. Why don’t I muse on coco content of sandwich cookies for a little bit longer? The point is I am having a really good time writing. I just wish that I knew how to write and not eat at the same time. I am in this room. It would be good to have the Larry Sander’s treadmill. I just want to be Larry Sanders. It’s so depressing when it comes down to realizing your life goal is to be… What’s your dream job? To be a character that existed once, but didn’t in real life. Now if he did, he wouldn’t be working.

I see Shandling sometimes. He’s on twitter antagonizing Tom Scharpling. Then I saw him in the Johnny Carson documentary. Are you sure you don’t want to get the button-down out Gary? Or maybe a size up in that T-shirt so we don’t have to…We don’t all have to be thin and perfect, unless you’re on Catfish. Maybe put a jacket on if you’re going to be interviewed. Put a jacket on if you are going to be interviewed. Just a rule—I don’t care if you’re a girl of a boy. Put a jacket on if someone is going to interview you. Can it be an army jacket? Fine, Jack White.
Why haven’t I had sex with Jack White yet?

I unfollowed two people on twitter today who were conversing with each other and my ex. They were @ each other. Already Frick, Frack, and invisible. Klausner out.
I got an offer for a threesome. Someone emailed me out of the blue, a stranger asking me if I’d like ‘try’ a three-way which is something that…it’s not like trying a cronut. I don’t know. I have never had a three-way. That’s out there. I’m fine with it.
Another thing Jake played in the office was that Pat O’Brien voicemail. He was so coked up you could feel his mustache was like a pine tree full of snow. It was caked with blood and cocaine the way his voice was on that voicemail. I just want to watch you eat Betsy. It was disgusting. He was talking to a lady, a woman, the Sydney Leathers of her time. Poor Sydney Leathers. Please keep a low profile. Pat O’Brien wants to watch a woman eat Betsy. Ugh!

How’s Cannibal Cop doing? Does Cannibal Cop know about Cronuts? Did I miss anything?
Guys, I feel like we’re all doing the best we can. Rob Sheffield has a new book out. It’s really good. You should buy it. It’s called Turn Around Bright Eyes. It’s about Karaoke.

I’ll plug the fall. I wouldn’t mind wearing a sweater soon.

Howwasyourwiki. You should absolutely go to Howwasyourwiki.com and update it with facts about the show. There’s a lot of great stuff going on there right now. If you need suggestions about new categories to start I would say, what if you start a category about where the title of each show comes from? Huh? That might be fun. What is someone figures out how to upload a photo of Jimmy Jazz to his area? He really is my joy boy. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I’m not all corners. I can act, as the musical Hair once taught us Black boys are delicious certainly, but also that it’s Easy to be Hard. I’m not quite sure what that song is about but I am way more of a softie than sometimes I put myself out there as. I tried to watch a video of a baby elephant yesterday and I couldn’t even get myself through the first few seconds. It was too emotionally dire.

I come home and see Jimmy Jazz and think to myself, look at this Joy Boy. I ask him where are yo going to dinner? You are very formal. You are my tuxedo boy.

Tip Spoony…

We have one guest…

Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers but Expensive"

2014-11-19T15:06:14Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

Things not to tell Julie

2014-11-17T15:29:34Z

Amyg:

In life and in response to rhetorical questions from HWYW:

'''Do not tell Julie:'''
* That her [[wikipedia: bra|brar]] strap is showing.
* What one of those machines that has a claw and says CAT on the side of it is called.
* If you have had a bad experience with softclaws.
* If you are working at a clothing store, never tell Julie "that color looks great with your hair". Just tell her that she looks thin.
* What kind of porn you watch.
* What you think of [[Wikipedia: Lady Gaga| Lady Guh-Gah]]
* About Star Wars.
* If the Death Star is ''from'' Star Wars
* How long "May the Fourth" Star Wars day has been a thing
* If the idea that there is anything "worse than the word 'play' being used to describe sexual acts" has been covered on the podcast already.
* What you are thankful for.
* If [[Wikipedia: Tegan and Sara| Tegan and Sara]] are a [[Wikipedia: Vaudeville | Vaudeville ]] or [[Wikipedia: Burlesque |Burlesque]] act.
* What the holiday [[Wikipedia: Lag B'Omer|Lag B'Omer]] celebrates/observes.
* If you have watched the movie [[Wikipedia: Eraserhead|Eraserhead]] in full and if you liked it, until February 14th, 2014. (After which, you must tell her.)
* What a "Flappy Bird" is.
* That you bought the new Charlotte Gainsbourg CD.
* What animal Pikachu from Pokemon is.
* To explain a joke.
* Whether adamandsteve.com is a website or not.
* What Ralph Fienes' character in "Red Dragon" does to his victims.
* How Julia Roberts was in the 2014 HBO Movie "The Normal Heart."
* About the history of clowning
* The names of Robin Williams' broad comedy movies.
* If you have made out with someone in your place of worship as a teenager, as in the basement of the Schule or whatever...
* That French women eat butter but they enjoooooy the butter.
* Anything more about "Meep" from Ryan Murphini's American Horror Story Classics. Please. Please. For the love of Meep, stop talking about Meep.

'''Debatable items that Julie may not want you to tell her:'''

*that you have gone to Knott's Scary Farm and have seen "Elvira's Big Top" show.

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-07T01:37:10Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 125: "The Patient Zero of Food"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 128: "America's Morning"

2014-11-07T01:36:23Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcripts */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

The Today Show. Julie proudly follows it on Twitter.

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcripts==

Hello everybody. Hi. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

I’m waking up groggy from a summer evening nap which is ill-fated. Something ill went into my decision making process in choosing to get under the covers at 6. Now it is 9. My body is confused. It wants frozen yogurt. This summer huh? I feel…How do I feel? What do I think and how do I feel? What do I feel and how do I think? Women! I feel guilty about not going to this party. I slept through this party. I’m just tired. Next week I have off from Billy on the Street which has been really fun, but apparently exhausting. I don’t know. I feel awful. I really wanted to go to this party but every time I get an invitation to a party that I have a feeling is going to be on a school night, I think to myself, “Yes! I will go to this party.” Then part of me doesn’t want to be invited because I know that the guilt that I will face when I don’t go, invariably, will be…nothing I can’t handle, but it will disappoint. That’s ridiculous, by the way, what I just said.

Please continue to invite me to parties. Eventually I will have more energy. Eventually I will stop eating like a vacuum cleaner at a movie theater after an action movie where people have been and the floor is full of all kinds of sweet and salty things. Nothing that Michael Pollen would be psyched about you putting into your face.

There’s nothing like the resentment towards healthy people and people that approach their attitude toward food and nutrition with some variance of discretion when you are going through a phase when you are juts eating your face off. You know it is going to end. You’re not going to eat like this forever but that’s just where you are at. When you are in that place it’s funny, not funny, I’m talking to people with food issues so if you don’t have food issues why are you listening? I don’t get that, people who don’t talk about food in relation to their bodies or food in relationship to their morality. I’m disgusting, I’m a horrible person—You’re not, Kathy, but let’s look at your choices.

For dinner, we’re not talking about what you’ve done. Look, I had more cookies this week than I feel good about. Does that make me a sick murderer? No. Tell that to my lizard brain. In addition to my lizard brain with the self-flagellation There is also what I was mentioning before, that jealousy button, so anyone who..I was walking, oddly enough passed a farmer’s market and I was seething with recall for Michael Pollen. Remember when he put out that book called Food Rules or something like that? What was it? Eat food, thank you Michael Pollen. Not too much-urgh!!!, mostly plant, bleck. All right dude, cool book. Let’s get it in hard cover. Let’s print out all of the pages and frame each one.

I think I am over food. I don’t mean I am over eating food. Obviously when you can’t think of things to write what is better than to reach for and grab and put in one of your holes, if there are no cocks around, frankly? As far as the culture of food, I think I am officially over that. By that I mean cooking. Didn’t Michael Pollen also have that thing this year? I didn’t read it but it seemed like Salon-link bait, but it probably was a well-though out thing that if I were more knowledgeable, I would have actually followed through on and read. Didn’t Michael Pollen say that one of the bad things about feminism is that women stopped cooking and now nobody likes to cook? Oh boy. Oh jeez. Don’t. Ugh!

So the culture of food as I am sick of it—well I don’t watch top chef anymore, that’s basically it. I used to watch Top Chef. My ex used to be into food and he liked to cook. We would watch Top Chef together and he’d say, “That looks really good.” That’s over. I could not be less mournful of that presence being gone in my life. I’m still talking about food culture. Am I? Yes I am. I don’t like the notion of someone describing what’s in front of me on a plate for longer than a second before I am allowed to eat it. I don’t like conversations about restaurants. I will say I love talking about Pichet Ong recently.

Maybe I’m differentiating and backpedaling and I’m going through this from a personality perspective. My conversation with Pichet Ong if you check the archives and dig it up like so many bones in the back yard, you’ll find, first of all, he’s a delightful man and Pichet Ong could talk about anything, but also, I think that is more about food than the culture of foods, but maybe I’m wrong. Trends are boring food-wise. I don’t like hearing about kale or their baby weight on social networks but that could also be that my lizard brain is fired up with envy because I am eating like a trash bucket, which will not go on forever as I mentioned before. Is everybody here for the Overeaters Anonymous meeting? Good. Let’s pass these around.

Listen, there’s a lot going on besides my gazing at my own navel in regards to eating things. I have stuff to say about Lovelace, the movie Lovelace, which was so bad. Guys, my original instinct about it was correct and I should have gone with my ‘gunt’. Lovelace stars Amanda Seyfried who’s not good in the movie at all. She plays a porn star. They do this thing where it is like a ‘gotcha’ is it a gotcha? Let’s ask Nicki Fink. Or is it a ‘Member them?’ from TMZ—that’s a fun feature. What is it called when you tell a story one way then you force the audience to endure the same story again, only this time someone is being raped? What’s that called-pulling a Land before Time? I’ve never actually seen that movie, is that the one with the Dinosaurs?
Lovelace was terrible. Here’s why. As I mentioned the first part of Lovelace involved Amanda Seyfried in frankly a bad wig. It talked about her rise to fame in pornography. It looked like she was having a great time on her way up and I couldn’t stand watching that, I didn’t like watching her character get exploited and her being cool with it. Then it jumped forward six years and you saw Linda Lovelace taking a lie detector test because later she was involved in a lot of legal proceedings against that creep Chuck Trainer. If ever there were a Hall of Creeps that guy—give him the Dildo scepter and have him sit on the terlet because he is ugh, a garbage bag. Chuck Trainer exploited Linda Lovelace, certainly. She claims he beat her up, I’m sure he did. He raped her and forced her at gunpoint to be in these films. So everything we saw for a I guess the first 45 minutes of the movie, we had to see again only now it was shown from her point of view which meant we got to watch what’s his name Alexander Sarsgaard? Peter Sarsgaard-one of the Sarsgaards beat the shit out of Amanda Seyfried. Nobody wants to watch a woman being exploited and loving it and nobody wants to watch a women being exploited and being miserable unless you’re watching porn. I don’t want to have that conversation with you.

I’d rather talk about food culture than what kind of porn you watch. Never talk to me about that.
I will say that the part about Lovelace that bothered me most, and I should say that I didn’t watch the whole thing. This is a tragedy. Didn’t Linda Lovelace have enough to endure beside her name being lent to this horrible movie? Beyond the tragedy of what actually happened to this woman…Is it a great story? I remember when they said they were doing two Lovelace movies. Are they still doing the one with Malin Akerman? Is she too busy playing Debbie Harry in the CBGBs musical? She’s in that TV show right? Moms or just Mom? There’s Mom and then there’s Dad with Seth Green. Oh the entertainment business sis really on track, this year and forever. I remember when they first said they were doing a Linda Lovelace movie, ew…. Is her story necessary to tell? You know they are going to make it titillating..

They did. The first half of the movie was tee hee, this girl can suck a dick. Oh wow what a funny premise. Not just for the movie inside the movie but for the bio. There was a scene where they showed the set of Deep Throat. It was parallel to the scene in Boogie Nights where Mark Wahlberg makes love to our heroine, Queen of the Redhead Hall of Fame and the universe, Julieanne Moore, and he finishes his business. They are talking about what they were going to do. He asks, “Do you want me to do it again?” and they zoom in on Burt Reynolds, William H. Macy and the whole gang. They are all, “What? This kid’s a star.” It’s fun. There’s music.

The Lovelace equivalent of that was basically Linda Lovelace performed oral sex on not Adrian Brody, it was the guy playing Harry Reems and he finishes and they are like, “What?” in other the words the crew, including Hank Azaria, Chris Noth…everybody is in this movie. They are trying to make a joke out of this scene that this poor runaway can suck a dick. Everyone was like, “Wow what a star.” That’s really depressing. Don’t exhibit comical wonder at a women’s sexual ability to be exploited you sick jerks. I am talking about the filmmakers of Lovelace, not just the filmmakers of Deep Throat who are all dead from gonorrhea as god intended the seventies to end.

This is how god intended the 60s to end—with the Manson Murders. How did god intend the 70s to end? Technically with Iran Contra, I haven’t thought about it actually, I know it involves the homeless on the streets freed by Regan. Regan ripped off the solar panels from the White House roof. Regan was a horrible president and Linda Lovelace’s love life, everything about that movie and her life is a tragedy and Sharon Stone deserves better roles. Sharon Stone imitates Sammy Davis Jr. in it, and James Franco plays Hugh Hefner. Neither of those things are fun or funny. You shouldn’t watch that movie even though Amanda Seyfried has beautiful breasts.

There’s a turtle named Progo who was photographed recently by our friend Tavi listening to this very podcast. This is very exciting because we have now crossed over into, I guess, the amphibian layer, barrier. We’ve broken a particular barrier of photos of animals listening to the podcast and we’ve done that by virtue of the fact that we now have a box turtle listening to the podcast and I believe the iPad in the podcast was propped up in his tank on top of a couple of pebbles. That made my week. Thank you Tavi for sending that in.

I mentioned Julianne Moore earlier, Julianne, as you all know is the most beautiful human living, follows me on twitter. This is the best thing that has happened to me all year. It’s been quite a year. Julianne Moore follows me on Twitter. Sometimes she retweets me and when she does I find that out because my @mentions are all cuckoo-birds. Some of them argue with me. Some of them are friendly. Some of them want me to retweet links to purses they make. Then I figure it out because they are also @replying Julianne Moore and I think to myself, Julieanne you’ve done it again. You’ve taken your perfect ivory freckled finger and you’ve hit, I know this sounds a little pornographic but you can deal with it, Hank Azaria isn’t standing by watching going, “What? That woman can do what all women can do because they’ve been programmed to because they live in a world controlled by men whose sexual needs are our number one desire according to the rule of people who are in power. We prioritize men’s sexual needs in this civilization of ours on this blue marble. That’s just a fact. Lesbians know that. Lesbians study that, the phallocentric history of patriarchy. Come on.

D o I need to write Michel Focault on a blackboard and walk away and pose in a pencil skirt in order for me to learn you?

Let’s get back to Julianne Moore being wonderful, Julieanne is wonderful. She retweet something I said. It was the following, “People crowd sourcing their children’s’ books sicken me, I had to self-publish a shabbis for Jimmy Jazz with my own cash and was better for it.” That was a joke. I never wrote a shabbis for Jimmy Jazz although I do feel strongly that I would kill it. It would be a beautiful story. At the end you’d see Jimmy Jazz behind two candle sticks. He’d have a little yarmulke. It would be a white yarmulke because most of his head is black. His schnozzle area looks like it has been dipped in cream, and the rest is a Batman mask. If you put a little white yarmulke on the top of his head it would look terrific. That was a joke. After Julianne Moore spread it, people on twitter told me, “I self-published my book and I think that was the way to go,” and there’s a link to a novel. “Who are you to say what people can and can’t do?” Good point. Nobody was “ha, ha, ha” But I believe Julianne Moore was. Julianne Moore, as you know, is the author of the children’s book, Freckle-faced Strawberry which is about being a little girl and accepting yourself. I think.

There was a play around the corner from a very good coffee shop, Gasoline Alley, I haven’t had their cookies—ugh enough with the cookies Klausner, but I’m pretty sure it is about being teased for being different and then not only is it ok for being different, it’s better. It really is better to end up looking like Julianne Moore than anything else in the world, and to be as talented. I don’t mean to minimize her abilities. She just is blindingly beautiful.
The Today Show twitter is something I would like to discuss right now. I follow the Today Show on twitter. I am proud to. I consider it to be America’s morning. I think they have a new social media person. If you listen to this podcast and you work for the Today Show, let me know because I have a feeling there is somebody working the Today Show twitter who is a little bit more psyched than the person a couple of weeks ago who said, “Coming up the band Train and a recipe.” Whoever is doing it now is putting a little extra muscle, extra oomph . Yes, there are more exclamation points. There are also quotes from interviews that which wouldn’t ordinarily be live tweeted. They are trying to do things like: Here’s what Savannah Guthrie looks like now—before, and then an hour later, here’s after. They are doing some cliffhanger stuff on the Today Show’s twitter. By the way, Savannah Guthrie, that before and after thing, she dyed her hair red. If you think Savannah Guthrie is going anywhere near even the area code of the Redhead Hall of Fame, you’ve literally never met me.

What else did the Today Show tweet recently? I am trying to prove my point. I shouldn’t have opened with that because now I feel like I have to prove it. You have to take my word for it. It might be an unprovable enthusiasm that’s present. I will say that they have been soliciting stories from people following the twitter more than in the past. They asked which famous TV or movie home would you like to live in. That’s not something they would normally ask. They don’t usually care. People responded. Suzanne Nally said Diane Keaton’s house in Something’s Got to Give. No fucking kidding, Suzanne Nally you fucking win. Then the a woman @theRusted Chain said the rural home form Marley and Me. No one has ever seen that. Ryan and Reynold’s character from the Proposal’s family home in Alaska. I saw that. I wouldn’t want to live there. It would be a nightmare, bears and such. I’m such a Sandra Bullock in the Proposal.

They solicited stories form people because on August 14th this week it had been ten years since the blackout in New York City. I know most of you listening aren’t New York City residents, but I am. If you don’t believe me ask my nose. By the way, it’s been ten minutes ten minutes since somebody wrote about what a fucking fat Jew I am. Can we get another one of those trend pieces? The thing about Klausner’s podcast is that she’s such a fucking Jew. She’s so New York you could practically taste the blood in the Matzoh of your first born boy. I was here ten years ago in the 2003 Blackout and I remember it very well. They were asking for stories. I know this because I follow somebody I used to work with, my first job out of college. She’s a very sweet lady but she’s a Mommy Blogger. She uses her social media to talk about herself in the Mommy Blogger kind of way. She replies to the Today Show twitter a lot. They said,” Can you believe it has been ten years the 2003 Blackout? Where were you that day? Tweet your memories.” #when the lights went out. This woman said #whenthelightswentout I was on bed rest, luckily my daughter waited five days….It’s back to how long did it take you to lose the baby weight? Oh? You’ll tell me in a year?

If you’ve had a kid and you’ve lost the baby weight, I am thrilled for you. I really am. Not now, not right now, not with the sesame sticks in my bloodstream like this. Social media is not for telling people how much weight you lost unless you were obese. Is that fair to say? Can we put that out there? Is that something you agree with? Is it true that if you lost eight pounds you should never tell anyone? If you lost baby weight, which from what I understand, I haven’t had any children that I know of, it is impressive. That’s really great. I’m happy for you. All women are happy for you. I don’t remember what my point is. Shut the fuck up is my point.
Where were you ten years ago on this day when the lights went out? I remember where I was, it was not a fun story that the Today Show with the background Toyota wallpaper featuring Jimmy Buffet and parrot hats would like to hear. That is the following story; I was in between office jobs. I was taking pretty much any job I could get teaching art to children. It was 2003, I was 25. I was working at the Y one of the Manhattan, NYC Y arts camps. It’s up town. It’s a good camp. There’s a pool. Kids learn to sing. There are snacks. I worked there as a counselor. I was a great counselor. The children loved me, especially this one kid, Lily who wanted to be a star. I hope she is nowhere near that aspiration because show business is terrible.

There was an avant garde puppeteer who worked at the camp with me. He was very good looking. I know this is going to a place you are uncomfortable with and frankly you should be. My job was to take the kids around to art classes and his was one. He would help kids make puppets. The kids would make puppets and then their parents would swing by after whatever was so damn important besides hanging out with them all day, and I am really talking to the men here on the upper east and upper west. When they came by they were in their cargo shorts—dude you were doing nothing. How much did this even cost you. You could have just taken him to the zoo.

They’d pick him up at 4pm, but before that I’d take them to puppet class. The guy who was the puppet instructor, don’t bring this back to puppetry of the penis. It’s not about that. It’s not about dick tricks. It’s about a guy who made skulls, and Tim Burton-ish creations that were sort of creepy. It was very Steampunk. He had a studio full of antique burnished objects bought from people that have..they are probably bought in pawn shops in New Orleans where there is a back room that has all swastikas on it and lamp shade made out of you don’t want to know because it is a terrible tragedy we have to live with everyday that man did that to other man and women in ovens. Where was I? Anyway this guy ended up eating my pussy. It’s really not that big of a deal. The light went out in the afternoon during an assembly. The parents were there. The kids were singing. The lights went out. Everyone thought it was terrorism. We all ended up walking home, a very long walk to my place downtown and he walked with me. Then he walked me upstairs. Then one thing led to another and I was on my floor.

The next day I made noodles on the stove because I don’t have an electric oven. I read by candlelight. I remember conserving my cell phone. I met my brother the next day. It wasn’t a story that the Today Show would have appreciated but I will say this, this puppeteer person, who I have not spoken to since, for the sake of everybody’s well-being. For the sake of everybody being a better person, I have avoided puppeteers. He was very angry. It’s silly to be an avant garde puppeteer because all puppets are creepy inherently; you don’t need to make them creepier. Second of all Steampunk is very silly. Third of all this guy’s story, his schtick besides from being very handsome, again, I reiterate he was really hot. Judge away at least I’m conforming to lookism which is religion in its own right. He was very angry at Charlie Kaufman. He claimed that Charlie Kaufman hung out with him for a week before he wrote Being John Malkovich and “stole the first 20 minutes of the movie from his life.” If you have seen Being John Malkovich, which if you haven’t seen you should see, it’s a beautiful movie. The first 20 minutes are about a puppeteer who’s a loser being unsuccessful. It’s not a thing you want to tell women or people in general, that was stolen from you because that’s every puppeteer’s story I imagine. It seemed like not a good line to take around. He was good at other things. That’s how I’ll end that story.
That’s way more than 140 characters.

Face –off came back. It is a really good season so far. They made fawns. I still don’t know what a fawn is, but I know that this Laney character did a very good job. Laney is this anime suicide girl who is probably wearing contacts that make her eyes look like they are all pupil. She is a new comer. They are setting rookies versus returning veterans, from Viet Nam, actually which is a twist. It’s people from passed seasons. I’m rooting for Roy from Texas. The End. Mackenzie has never looked more elegant and I do believe Glen Hetrick is doing something with his goatee, is it a beard? It’s a beard? it’s not a goatee right? The first half of it is dark and the bottom half of it is not. His eyes are smokier. He is doing a smokier eye this season. I would still have sex with Glen Hetrick even though as our friend John Mulaney points out he probably needs some sort of suspension hooks in order to do it.

Talking Bad…Why did I even write down Talking Bad? What is there to say? What do we talk about when we talk about talking bad? There’s a beautiful graphic…Jake Fogelnest used some of his time to make a mock-up of “What we talk about when we talk about talking bad,” as the Raymond Carver novel cover. I have to say about Talking Bad that hasn’t been said except for the fact that I thought Billy Eichner was joking when he told me that Julie Bowen was the first guest. There’s no reason for Julie Bowen to be on after an episode of Breaking Bad talking about Breaking Bad.
I will argue that Breaking Bad is one of the least water cooler friendly show of all time. Meaning after you watch it, even when you are with a loved one, God Willing, what is there to say about it besides, “Oh my god that was a really good episode, “ or, “Oh, I hope they don’t kill Skyler. I can’t wait for next week.” I have to watch low-water. We are making Spoony recap that.
Spoony is away but when he comes back he’s in for a rude awakening. He’s going to have to watch, what is it? Low Water Down? He’s going to have to recap that. He’s going to have to take a picture of me on a Citibike and that’s all. Oh, he’s going to be a father to a beautiful little Spoonita.

We got a bad review from this week’s Podmass on the AV Club which is fine, we can handle it. We an take it. The criticism went as follows: Episode 127 features, “An interview that dwells for far too long on the benefits of dogs as pets. Podmass, I respect what you do as you me. But I think we both know that thereis no such thing as an interview that dwells far too long on the benefits of dogs a s pets when you consider the fact that dogs have been saving our lives since before history began! There is a section of Temple Grandin’s book, which I have loaned out which talks about people and dogs co-evolving, and that as our brains got bigger their brains go smaller because they trusted to take care of them. That’s insane. They found bones from years ago. They didn’t even know they’d find bones, they found bones that prove that dogs have been with us from way longer than we knew. So don’t tell me that there’s such a thing as too much talk about the benefit of dogs as pets when we haven’t even scratched the surface!

There was an article on the Daily Mail which is a garbage rag that was re-blogged on the Huffington Post which is somehow worse because it’s just an aggregator that recycles stuff and it basically steals it. I’ll tell you this, the webs is the wild west out there. You don’t know what the rules are. You start a meme, that meme goes all over the place you’re not credited. You have to be ok with that. Or you don’t, I don’t know. I’m 35. There was an article o on the Daily Mail abut a dog who points to peanuts. This dog looked so cute. He was a golden doodle. I don’t remember his or her name, but he wore a vest and he had a little girl who he worked for, that is his boss. He travels with her. When he sees a peanut he points at it. This girl could die if she ate a peanut, so do not …what did you say again? Whatever, I don’t care what you do. We love you Podmass.

Jimmy Jazz no longer wants to be called Josh, he now wants to be called Johnny and he wants to spell it the punk way which is J-o-n-n-y. Please ignore this. This is a passing phase and I’m not going to indulge this. Do not change the Jimmy Jazz entry on howwasyourwiki. Do not acknowledge this in any way it will go away if we all ignore it. He is an adolescent.

Speaking of Howwasyouwiki, Howwasyourwiki.com—let’s all go there together while we are in front of our computers shall we? Yes we shall. Now, Thomas Ezekiel Williams did a beautiful job of setting this up but it is your responsibility to maintain it. That means you must add to the Howwasyourweekwiki. I made a suggestion—What about a section in which you explain the origin of each show’s title. None of you tool me up on that. That’s your business. You have ways of wasting time during your day jobs that are different than my ways…I don’t waste a fucking minute. But if you don’t like that idea, come up with another one. This is a blank canvas of silly things for us to play with. This is about play more than anything.

I want to address the Redhead Hall of Fame right now just so we can do a little bit of housekeeping. I want Cynthia Nixon in the Redhead Hall of Fame. Can we please move Cynthia Nixon up from the Supporting Tier into the actual Hall of Fame? I don’t want Jack Warden in Ahoy. I think Ahoy should only be Robert Loggia. Additions to the Redhead Hall of Fame this week include Christine Quinn, you can tell me DeBlasio is a better candidate, because Christine Quinn is Bloomberg’s lackey, guess what, sorry, I like Bloomberg. I know go figure. He favors the rich, who knew? Manhattan is going to be a bauble that no one can afford and it’s going to sink into the ocean. That’s just a fact. Bloomberg is just on board with that faster than all of us are. Yes, did he pave our streets with Citibikes? Sure. I don’t know where this is going. I just like him. I like Christine Quinn. I’m sure DeBlasio is a better person. Maybe I’ll end up voting for DeBlasio. It’s none of your business. Once I am in that voting booth, unless I am masturbating, it does not matter what I am doing in there. It’s not masturbating.

Christine Quinn is in the Redhead Hall of Fame. The end. I will address other nominations at the end of the show. There is one I have to address right now because it’s important. Our friend Andrew Johnston who lives in Toronto wrote to me and said I am thrilled to be the first one to nominate Kate Mulgrew’s character Red from Orange is the New Black. Absolutely. Red from Orange is the New Black is shooting up to the top—although it doesn’t matter, it’s Julianne Moore, I’m just saying she should be there. Please, PLEASE make sure that is corrected by the end of the night.

No Laura Prepon is not, Alicia Witt already is. Marcia Wallace-yes, sure. Robin Lively, Louise Miller in Teen Witch –No. John Ritter’s widow, and Wings star Amy Yasbeck yes. One degree from Amy Yasback problem child, no. The red-headed Aguilera sister from Christina Aguillera’s video inspired for Candy Man-no. Lindsey Lohan-no. Although I cannot wait to see her in East Bound and down.

What else do I have left to cover? I still have a crush on Vince Gilligan. I tuned in to Talking Bad and I saw him in a T-shirt. People started talking. I got it Breaking Bad is a great show. So is Real Housewives Miami. Not everything needs an after show. Sometimes you can just watch something with your friends and be quiet. If it’s good. It’s a different kind of good. There’s something that is talk back TV that’s very Bravo…How many new shows does Bravo have? I watched Real Housewives of Miami even thought I was very disappointed that the dentist Karent isn’t back as a cast member. I just watch it for Lea Black. I just watch it to see what Leah black does to volumize her hair. That’s the plot of Real Housewives of Miami to me. The ads they have in between the commercial breaks for Bravo shows… The New Atlanta, Married to a Doctor, Below Deck, What are you doing? I just want to see menopausal women be insane in dresses I can’t afford that they will never wear twice.

I think we have covered quite enough.

Episode 128: "America's Morning"

2014-11-07T01:33:10Z

Amyg:

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

The Today Show. Julie proudly follows it on Twitter.

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcripts==

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-11-06T15:39:03Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sklar-talk-ep-128 128]
| Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reorganization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. I think AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-11-06T15:36:44Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-128 128]
| Talking about Redhead Hall of Fame reogranization "I don't want Jack Warden in AHOY. Ithink AHOY should only be Robert Loggia."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}

Episode 128: "America's Morning"

2014-11-04T10:46:21Z

Amyg: /* Origin of the episode title */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

The Today Show. Julie proudly follows it on Twitter.

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

Hall of Creeps

2014-11-03T11:21:15Z

Amyg: Created page with "Chuck Taylor with a dildo sceptor sitting on a terlot"

Chuck Taylor with a dildo sceptor sitting on a terlot

The "How Was Your Week?" Wiki

2014-11-03T11:20:26Z

Amyg: /* Features */

== The Show ==

[[Episodes]]

[[Guests]]

[[Monologue Transcripts]]

[[HWYW Mobile App and Premium Subscription]]

[[Donate to the Show and HWYW Merchandise | Donate to the Show, Get T-Shirts, etc...]]

== Features ==

[[Bands Mentioned on The Podcast]]

[[Book Club]]

[[Capital J Jewish]]

[[Celebrity Wife Swap]]

[[Citibike Campaign]]

[[Coen Brother's Tattoos]]

[[Could Julie choose members of The White Castle Hall of Fame?]]

[[Critter Hall of Fame]]

[[C**t Skeleton]]

[[Differences between Spoony and Dee Dee Ramone]]

[[Enemies of the Show]]

[[Fan Art]]

[[Food or Drink Mentioned on the Show]]

[[Top 30 Fruits | Fruit, Ranked]]

[[Groovy People]]

[[Hall of Creeps]]

[[Hidey's Hiding Corner!]]

[[HWYW Guest Hall of Fame]]

[[HWYW Technical Notes]]

[[Julie's Cavalcade of Characters!!!]]

[[Julie Klausner's Favorite Animals of All Time, Ranked]]

[[Julie Klausner's Favorite Female Intervention Cast Members, Ranked]]

[[Julie's Watching You]]

[[Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes ]]

[[List of 90's Hookers]]

[[List of 90's SlutShame Martyrs]]

[[List: New York Walk of Fame]]

[[Movie Club]]

[[Music sung or referenced on the show]]

[[Origins of Episode Titles]]

[[People and Things Julie Adores]]

[[People and Things Julie Despises]]

[[People Who Vowed Not to Work with Pauley Perrette]]

[[Places]]

[[Photos of Animals (Listening to HWYW)]]

[[Pod hits & misses]]

[[Recipes]]

[[Redhead Hall of Fame]]

[[Redhead Hall of Shame]]

[[Songs Dissected on the Podcast]]

[['splaining]]

[[Spoony's Recaps]]

[[Theatre Club]]

[[Theme Song]]

[[The Word that Must Never be Used]]

[[Things not to tell Julie]]

[[Things To Consider Prior To Sleeping With An Older Man]]

[[TV Club]]

[[Vernaculair]]

[[Weirdo Hall of Fame]]

[[What Makes a Woman Beautiful]]

== Other Julie Things ==

[[Julie's Appearances On Other Shows]]

[[Julie Live!]]

== Show Staff ==

[[Julie Klausner]]

[[Chris "Spoony" Spooner]]

[[Ted "Teddy" Leo]]

[[Ryan "Hotlips" Houlihan]]

[[Jimmy "Jax" Jazz]]

[[Smiley Muffin]]

Monologue Transcripts

2014-11-02T11:53:38Z

Amyg:

Wonderful listeners and HWYWikians volunteer their time and effort to transcribe Julie's fantastic opening monologues.

If you want to claim an episode to transcribe, please add it to this list and use 'Pending' as the
|Pendingstatus so we know you're working on it.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Date
!Status

|-
|[[Episode 68: "Crazy Person F.I.T."]]
|June 22, 2012
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|August 3, 2012
|Complete
|-
|[[Episode 125: "The Patient Zero of Food"]]
|July 12, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 124: "Dicks for Days"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 125: "Most of the Nooks"]]
|July 26, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 126: "Cool Story Dennis"]]
|August 2, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers But Expensive"]]
|August 9, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 128: "America's Morning"]]
|August 16, 2013
|Pending
|-
|[[Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"]]
|August 23, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 130: "I'll Chew on a Dog"]]
|August 30, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 131: "The Poetry of Her Tchotchkes"]]
|September 6, 2013
|Pending

|-
|[[Episode 132: "Julie Klausner on a Citi Bike Dot Com"]]
|September 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 133: "Chive Teef"]]
|September 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"]]
|September 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 135: "Walking Ballads"]]
|October 4, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 136: "Layla"]]
|October 11, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"]]
|October 18, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 138: "Oooooh!"]]
|October 25, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 139: "More Suicide Than The Average Bear"]]
|November 1, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 140: "A Charmless Joy Behar"]]
|November 8, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 141: "Congratulations"]]
|November 15, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 142: "Betty 1, 2, 3"]]
|November 22, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 143: "The Crime of Being Delicious"]]
|November 29, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 144: "P Pocket"]]
|December 6, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 145: "Death Fedora"]]
|December 13, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"]]
|December 20, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 147: "I Don't Do Mushrooms, Henry"]]
|December 27, 2013
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 148: "Goodbye, Spoony"]]
|January 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 149: "Here's a Sconce"]]
|January 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 150: "HWYW Gems Vol. 5"]]
|January 17, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 151: "To Talk to You About Rembrandt"]]
|January 24, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 152: "Bret Easton Ellis Brainstorming"]]
|January 31, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 153: "Strings and Levees and Pulleys"]]
|February 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 154: "Shakespeare on my Bike"]]
|February 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 155: "Andrew and Sunshine"]]
|February 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 156: "Karen O-scars"]]
|February 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 157: "Doing A Voice Things"]]
|March 7, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 158: "She's a Car"]]
|March 14, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 159: "Python Run"]]
|March 21, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 160: "God"]]
|March 28, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 161: "Things That Demonstrate Physics"]]
|April 4, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 162: "Praying to Fonts"]]
|April 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 163: "Talking Gump"]]
|April 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 164: "That's The Twist"]]
|April 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 165: "A Working Heart"]]
|May 2, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"]]
|May 9, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 167: "Unable to Close Her Eyes"]]
|May 16, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 168: "The Current Incarnation of Alec"]]
|May 23, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 169: "Pus Town"]]
|May 30, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 170: "Our Generation's Nessie"]]
|June 6, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 171: "Brillsplaining"]]
|June 13, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"]]
|June 20, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 173: "HWYW Gems 6"]]
|June 27, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 175: "Barbershop Quartet of Bullying Doom"]]
|July 11, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 176: "False Chunk"]]
|July 18, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 177: "The Smaller The Cats"]]
|July 25, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost"]]
|August 1, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 179: "Rita Moreno Was Going Through Some Stuff"]]
|August 8, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 180: "My Dog Hates Me"]]
|August 15, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 181: "STANLEY"]]
|August 22, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 182: "A Cup and Saucer Made Out of a Daffodil"]]
|September 5, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 183: "Starship Truthers"]]
|September 12, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 185: "Sucking In"]]
|September 19, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 186: "IF HIS NAME WAS WOODEN SPOON"]]
|September 26, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"]]
|October 3, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 188: "Her Own Carol"]]
|October 10, 2014
|Complete

|-
|[[Episode 189: "Australian Mars"]]
|October 17, 2014
|Complete
|}

Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"

2014-11-02T04:51:11Z

Amyg: /* Monologue Transcript */

== Date ==

== Guests ==

== Origin of the episode title ==

Refers to a comparison Julie makes about the noise she hears behind the bedroom door made by her beloved, yet fractious, Smiley Muffin wrestling with the Home Vet-tech. It is like a "Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage" It also refers to the noise that would be heard by her extended family in the dining room on Rosh Hashanah if she announced that she had a new gig with Al Jazeera America and then went into the kitchen to wrestle with her mother.

== Discussed ==

== Trivia ==

== Download the Episode ==

==Monologue Transcript==

‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools. Breaking us down when they all should let us be we belong to you and me, la da da da

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

We just heard the Bee Gees How Deep is Your Love. If you are going to be in Seattle next weekend you’ll be able to see myself and Ted Leo as well as Danielle Henderson and Patton Oswalt. They are going to be doing How Was Your week unplugged live. It will be a lot of fun. It will also be terrific.

How is everybody’s end of August going? Are we all barreling towards Labor Day together or are we just sort of stacked junk, teetering and tottering like so many mismatched—like a crepe, a pancake, a blintz, with some sort of cronut at the top that would be our head. Let’s talk about eating a cronut for the first time which I did this week. It was disgusting and it was horrible. I regret it. Well I don’t regret it because now I know what cronuts are. They are too much. The staffers at Billy on the Street were kind enough to get on some sort of bizarre top secret waiting list and wait for I don’t know 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks, and they got 6cronuts. They gave one to me. They gave one to Jake Fogelnest. They helped themselves to one or two. I don’t know how the payment plan was figured out but I had a cronut. It was terrible.

What a cronut should be…let me just start with the fact that I like donuts. I like croissants. I like a yeast donut and I like a cake donut. What I was hoping for, you know the difference right? A yeast donut is sort of a Krispy Krème and it comes off of a runway. There’s air inside of it. A cake donut is like a chocolate donut you get at Dunkin Donuts and the density is fine. It’s sometimes a little dry. What I was hoping that the cronut would be some kind of amalgam of the two and the layers would be an extra burst of fat and it would be terrific because croissant dough is magical. You can make anything with it.

What I got instead was deep fried, I guess every layer of the croissant dough is individually deep fried and then they stack them into a donut shape and then they fry that whole thing. What no one told me is that there are crème layers as well as the dough layers. That’s terrible miscalculation of what people do want and should want. There’s a frosting thing on the top-this doesn’t bother me. I’m pro sweets. I’m pro starches. What I m not pro is oozing crème. That was one experience of biting into one. My mouth was flooded with fats that I wasn’t familiar. I am not into heavy creamy things. I don’t like French pastry. An éclair is not something I have ever really cared for. I will eat an éclair. I mean I will eat an éclair but I won’t be thrilled about it. I would rather sort of lick the chocolate frosting off of it and throw the rest of it in the garbage for the dogs frankly.

The cronut had a semen-y quality. It was very come-y. The whole thing just left a come-y taste in mouth without even making my body feel good before during or after. I don’t recommend cronuts in general. I got very sick afterwards. I just sort of wanted some sort of recumbent toilet. It did things to my body that were bad. It made me feel morally bad as well. I shouldn’t have eaten the whole thing. I should have eaten it slower. How slow can you go, as Chubby Checkers once sang. If a baked good provokes guilt, suffering and revulsion, it really was like a Truffaut film. I didn’t like it. I guess in Canada they had cronut burgers which is shameful. I guess they have them, and then people put beef. People got sick. It’s good they got sick because how else will they learn. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. I’m not ok with it. Do you know what I want? Another cronut actually, now that I am talking about them for this long. I really crave another one. I would like to be on some sort of wait list. Which is worse, to be on a wait list for a cronut or to not be on Schindler’s list? Nobody knows. It’s a mystery. I am looking forward to the knock-off cronuts because I feel like a corporate food chain such as your Dunkin Donuts will perfect the notion. They did it with the croisandwich. Dunkin Donuts will have the sense to get rid of the crème. If you got rid of the crème you’d be halfway onto something.
I ate a cronut this week. What else did I do? I watched all of House of Cards in about two or three sittings. I became hypnotized by the combined coldness of Robin Wright Penn, Robin Wright-- It takes two Robin Wrights to make a Penn—and Kevin Spacey acting like an asshole, like a cold sociopathic monster. Oh here’s an Emmy. How did you transform yourself into that character sir? I loved House of Cards, I thought it was brilliant. I can’t wait for more of those episodes in my face. I have the following observations about it. I think that Robin Wright’s character going off to be with her lover of indeterminate foreign origin was a little hard to believe, especially the scene that looked like it was out of that Janet Jackson video where people are just kind of dancing in a sepia-toned Bohemian loft style as their wont to do. She’s kind of sexy dancing with a woman and someone passed another person a joint, ooh? This party look very chill. That was hard for me to watch.

If you’ve seen the series you know that Robin Wright’s character is an uptight, she’s a cunt. She’s really a classic hard C cunt with a capital CUNT. I’m not ruining anything; she goes off and reunites with a past lov-air who’s a photographer and therefore has millions of dollars and a loft with some bohemian music video extras from 1994? She dances with a woman and thinks to herself, maybe this is the woman I was meant to be if I had taken the road less traveled. That didn’t ring true to me.

The rest of it I completely bought. It’s like good Newsroom. When the young journalist gets a job at Slugline you think to yourself, oh Slugline that’s a good hire for Slugline they’re going to get a lot of stories instead of shut up! Shut up Newsnight. I haven’t watched that show--the Newsroom? The Newsroom right? The Newsroom—since they had that episode when Will McAvoy was wearing some sort of purple V-neck. It was unacceptable. I haven’t watched it since.
So I watched House of Cards. I ate a cronut. I got the Time-Warner guy to come over and switch out my cable box because I need to watch Breaking Bad at its regularly scheduled time and it was just a bunch of black silence, if I want black silence—some sort of racial thing can come here about Michael Clarke Duncan, he’s actually passed away so it would be in questionable taste but you can end that sentence. That’s the road less traveled you can choose your own adventure with that tangent. I was very disappointed about cable and I called them up and gave them what-for. I said listen Time Warner quit fucking me. They said we’re sorry we’ll send somebody over tomorrow. That wouldn’t be convenient for me. How about Tuesday? Fine.

The guy came on Tuesday. He was a chipper chipmunk. This guy was a lot of fun. I don’t want to get him into trouble. I actually don’t know his name. He was a lot of fun. He came in. He had the energy and gait of a young gazelle, he came in and swapped out my box and said to me, “What happened?” I said, ”Well on Sunday I couldn’t get AMC.” “Oh! Are you a Breaking Bad fan?” “Yep.” “That show is crazy.” “I know.” “I’m only up to Season 5.” “Well wait ‘til you see the last two episodes.” Then he said, “Do you watch Suits?” At that point I said, “No I don’t watch Suits,” but I seized on the opportunity because the box was loading and it would be a while before he could tell me if it was working and this young man had a lust for life. He wanted to explain the premise of Suits to me and I don’t know the premise of Suits so I said, “What is the premise of Suits?” The reason why he brought up Suits, I learned later, is because Gale from Breaking Bad was in Suits and might return to Suits as a bad guy. This also led to a story in which the cable guy mentioned running into Gale on the corner of 14th and I want to say 6th Avenue and said, “Hey! Oh my god! It’s Gale. You’re so great on Suits! You’ve got to come back. You’re so fun to watch!” and Gale said, “Why thank you.” That is exactly what Gale should have said.
Because if you are a character actor walking down 14th Street and the Time Warner Cable guy is with a friend ,and he mentioned he was with a friend, you are blessed, you get laurels at your feet, candy from the sky, all sorts of sweets, doubloons, blessings, the way Marc Maron has cookies that people brought him in front of him at a live podcast taping. If those rain upon you and you find that two, for lack of a better term, blue collar gentlemen, are behind those words of love, what you do is you stop your day and think to yourself boy I’m really lucky. Here I am a character actor who is a little heavy but really has something special and has managed to work. He has managed to get himself a couple of jobs on a couple of good shows. I have not seen Suits but I assume it’s good show. Enough people watch it, that’s not nothing. It is a drama, dramas command respect. That Gale was nice is not…if he were not nice I would be more disappointed. I wouldn’t be shocked but I think that’s weird, why would you do that Gale?

Here’s the premise of Suits. I don’t really know the premise of Suits. I think there are some corrupt lawyers. I don’t know the premise of Suits. I was listening at the time I really just forgot it. It was like I checked out, I didn’t. I was with this guy, every moment. He did tell me the premise of Graceland which is another show. I’ve never heard of Graceland. There was a bad guy and he was caught and he lived in this estate which he named Graceland because he was an Elvis fan. Now a bunch of cops work in it but some of them are corrupt. He’s been charged to figure out which of the cops are corrupt. That’s the premise of Graceland which he also likes. That’s all we talked about. He fixed my cable box and he left. The cable box works great. That’s a nice thing and now I’ll be able to watch Al Jazeera America as much as I could stuff myself with.

Al Jazeera American is something that nobody is obsessing about. No one is talking about the fact that we have Al Jazeera America in our roster and how funny and insane that is. It used to be current TV right? There was Infomania, there was Keith Olberman reads to you form a book for 25 minutes. I feel that if Will McAvoy were to have scotch, let’s say, with Keith Olberman, he would walk out after five seconds thinking this guy is exhausting. What a chowderhead. Al Jazeera America now exists. People are surprisingly ok with it. There are people that are not ok with it and sometimes others retweet the nasty racially charged notions—wouldn’t it be funny if we did an Al Jazeera TV show #the real camels of Abudhabi. Oh no, no, no ,no , no, no.

There’s something in between. Not saying what a bunch of sand N-words, frankly, and hurray! Al Jazeera America maybe I’ll go pitch there next week. Something in between, which is that’s weird. And it is. If I were to come to my parents Rosh Hashanah feast, all of the brisket you can put in your trisket, and I were to say, “I have good news.” “What is it?” We did the brucha, we had the h challah and honey, and that’s when we actually start to eat, we fill up with all kinds of sweet. By the way I would rather have a piece of challah dipped in honey than a cronut any day. It’s not even a fair example.

Julie has good news. Everyone looks at Julie. In my fantasy everybody stops talking. “I sold something to Al Jazeera America. I’m going to be doing a talk show on Al Jazeera America.” Silence, a tumbleweed made out of kreplach passes through my cousin Judy’s well-appointed dining table. “Oh? What’s the show?” “You know it’s just a light-hearted look at pop culture and current events, I’m behind a desk they put me in HD makeup in a suit and a flattering suit jacket, I have guests on. Really it’s just an opportunity to be on AL Jazeera America.” “Julie can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?” That’s exactly what would happen.

Then when I went into the kitchen it would be like the time when, you guys remember Smiley Muffin, Rest in peace my sister from another mister, my beloved cat who is no longer with us. Smiley Muffin, as you remember was a big mush. She was a statuesque voluptuous Diva like Delta Burke. She would hang out on the couch with me. She would cuddle up with me at night. She was very chill. She’s sleep all day and we had a thing. She was wonderful and perfect. Except for when it was time to go to the vet and she would try to kill people who went to school for degrees. I realized I couldn’t take her to the vet anymore and so I got the vet come to me which you can do. If you live in New York City and have animals that can’t go to the vet without a lot of stress, you should google City Pets. There are excellent vets that will come to you and give your cat or dog a checkup. Your dog has to leave the house to go to the bathroom.

Let’s talk about cats more. So the vets came over. If you remember Smiley Muffin had a little something I was concerned about and they said she needed a biopsy. I said all right good luck with that. She said this vet tech will hold her down and take a biopsy but maybe we’ll do it in the next room. Ok, I’ll put her on the bed. Then the vet tech and Smiley were in my bedroom together and then the door was closed. I proceeded to hear the most teeth gnashing blood curdling noises. If there was a Hanna Barbera cartoon about carnage. I heard these noises come from the next room. The vet tech came out. She said, “Your cat is very confident. I said, “Go back in there and try it again.” The same thing happened. She came out and said this cat is not consenting to the biopsy. You have to take her in and sedate her. They write the words fractious in a loud red sharpie on her file in the same way I’ve heard pediatricians write over invested mother in a child’s file, concerned mother, invasive mother, over-bearing mother. They have different codes in Jewish parts of the coasts. It goes from Yentl to Mirror Has Two Faces. In this case Smiley never had to go to the vet until the end. This is a sad story. It’s not what I meant to say.
What I meant to say if after my hypothetical Al Jazeera announcement I would go into the kitchen with some relative and it would sound like it did when Smiley and the vet tech were in that room together. I don’t have a show on Al Jazeera America. Would I pitch Al Jazeera America?

Absolutely, why not. Do you know what? It’s a buyer’s market is what I like to say. Boy do I like saying it. Do you know what also, I knew it already but I re-learned it this week in the aftermath of my cronut related trauma is that Carrie Mulligan, who I have never cared for, who I have always sort of felt was the bland Michelle Williams, if Michelle Williams is sea bass with maybe a whole sea bass baked in a thing of salt and the waiters debone it, this is nice. Then Carrie Mulligan is the steamed fluke. Carrie Mulligan is married to Mumford of Mumford and sons. Did you guys know that? Isn’t that terrible? Isn’t’ that something we should all sit with?
The Obamas got another dog. I’m not into the new Obama dog. This might not be a popular opinion because all puppies are beautiful and all dogs are good dogs. I have said this for years. All dogs are good dogs. I’m not so into this dog though. What’s this dog’s name Gayle? Sunny. Arbitrary name. I’m disappointed that they got a second one of the same breed. I’m not so into her haircut. He haircut is Marla Gibbs Season 1 of 227. I’m just not into the dog. What can I say? It’s not that I don’t like that breed. I think they can be a little over-groomed. I’ll say that. I wouldn’t mind seeing a Portuguese Waterdog grow out his or her shag. I think Bo is adorable, but of all the hypo-allergenic dogs, I guess I don’t understand why they couldn’t mis it up a little bit. In no way are we ever suggesting god forbid they go to a shelter and get a mutt. Oh never, never, never. Let’s not go nuts about this. I don’t know what about a terrier or a golden doodle? There are other hypo-allergenic dogs is all I’m saying. I know Bo needs to be socialized and maybe it helps with somebody who probably smells like his mother. I don’t know there’s just something I don’t feel when I look at photos of Sunny that I would like to feel. I’m a little disappointed.

I have been off this week. Billy is in LA shooting parks and Rec which is wonderful. I am very excited that he’s working with Sam Elliott finally! How many people…what’s the bear grinder where you woof at people? What’s that called? Grizzler, makes mouth happy. Billy’s away we’ve been off this week. This is how I spent the week, watching House of Cards. Ordering from that one pizza place that made me sick—forgetting, remembering. I got my hair done. That’s it guys. I took a walk. We’re doing the Citibike photo shoot this Saturday. That’s exciting. That’s something to look forward to. Doing the photo shoot of me on a Citibike as I promised as you all donated your hard earned funds to see actualized. This is actually happening on Saturday. Dickie DeBella is coordinating it. Spoony will be there.

Everything is fine. It’s a little still. I’m also at I point this summer where I turned 35 and I am wondering and hoping, not that being invested in outcome is anything good, apparently, I’m wondering if there is ever something besides busy or tired from now on? I really hope there is. I’ve talked in the past about how I have tried to have more fun and nothing says fun like trying to have fun. Just like nothing says happiness like the word project after it, Gretchen Rubin. I have nothing against Gretchen Rubin. I would love to find a motor beneath that sort of busy tired cycle that propels me that is not even joy-based, but sort of comfort fueled. The new comfort fueled Jetta. It’s odd. It’s a very up and down kind of…that’s the nature of my work. Feast or famine by the way. That’s a phrase. It reminds me of fruit and fiber. Neither one is particularly appetizing, although a feast..no, I don’t think the word feast is appetizing.

I think the word feast implies you are doing something and someone else is being hurt. It is some sort of sick Peter Greenaway style feast where there are entrails and compromise. Nobody likes famine, least of all Andrew Lloyd Weber. Are we ready to deal with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat as a nation? I don’t think we’ve ever been able to deal with it. Did we mention this last week? If we didn’t I’m putting this on the record right now, Clay Aiken dressed up as Joseph in the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is in the Redhead Hall of Fame. That photo should replace every photo anyone has ever seen including and especially photos of travesty. That means that photo of the one Asian guy shooting the other one from Viet Nam in the head should now be replaced mentally, I don’t know if you want to do some sort of mental Orwellian find and replace function with a photo of Clay Aiken spinning, looking up with a shimmering main of auburn hair thinking how he is going to prove his brothers wrong. His brothers picked on him. He’ll show them. He’ll interpret dreams. What a stupid show.

Is it a stupid story? Do you know what’s not a stupid story? The one Dolly Parton sings in her Coat of many colors song. That about going to school wearing rags and having a mom that says you’re special, you’re not crap, you’re a king. You’re queen. Dolly Parton can’t be human. I’ve been grappling with her. We should all grapple with her once a year at least. We should appreciate her all year round but then one year really spend some time meditating and contemplating on exactly how, who, what, why—none of it adds up. I had a tweet, not to refer to my own tweets on my podcast, how self-referential can I be? But I had a tweet, ”Atheists, how do you explain Dolly Parton? But in reality I don’t think anyone can. I joked at one point she’s an alien. I don’t know what or how she is. But she is, and it’s exceptional. It’s extraordinary. I’ve never seen anyone like her. Her voice from when she was 10, 12, 13—however old she is now it doesn’t matter. I’m not entertaining any sort of jokey…She someone whose plastic surgery should never be spoken of. Joan Rivers, fine. Joan Rivers pokes fun at herself. So does Dolly, but it gets in the way of dumb people understanding the exact amount of talent we are dealing with.
Coat of many colors, every one of her songs tells a story. Do you think she understands god as much as Stevie Nicks understands magic? I don’t know. Stevie Nicks is very much human, that what’s so great about her, Dolly Parton extra-terrestrial. I don’t know is the answer.

I spent some time on the Alf Wikipedia page for some Billy on the Street work. This is what I did this week in addition to cronuts and House of Cards, House of Cronuts. It would be tough to claim that Billy Eichner creates a hostile workplace, work environment, but I will say that for the sake of what I do for that show, I had to spend some significant time on Kathryn Heigl’s Pinterest. Kathryn Heigl has a website. If you look at Kathryn Heigl’s official website, it’s maintained by someone who takes it really seriously. It’s not an actress’s website that is completely outdated, or they made a big launch or push two years ago or even six months ago. Kathryn Heigl’s website is on point. It is also the kind of website that should belong to someone who hasn’t ‘made it’ yet. There are updates on there that should be part of a promotion of a less successful actress. There will be a screen shot of her talking to Jay Leno and it will say, “Kathryn was on The Tonight Show last night, click here to watch it.” Attention Kathryn has joined Instagram follow her photos of her and a dog in a field and the filter is Kelvin(?) I think. Read the reviews…Don’t read the reviews…The Big Wedding. Do you remember that movie or was it all a dream?
What about those posters of Robin Williams with a light bulb in his mouth? Are those real? The new fall season is really going to rock guys. I can’t wait to see these new network television shows. They all seem so fun and smart and really seem to tap into a truth that is universal. The great thing about network shows is that they are good for everybody. That’s why it is called broadcast it’s for men, women, children, adults. It doesn’t matter. We can all sit around and enjoy Dads, The Goldberg’s, is it The Millers? No that’s the incest comedy. We’re about due for an incest romp aren’t we? A mistaken identity, what if Jennifer Aniston were a stripper. Wouldn’t that be funny guys?

There have been a couple of movies in which Jennifer Aniston has been in her underpants for ‘comic’ effect. I liked Horrible Bosses, but I remember he characters game being ‘what if she’s really horny?’ and she is naked under her dentist’s coat at one point. Wouldn’t that be funny? Yeah, that would be hilarious, come on. Let’s just go from A to C. I’m not asking A-F, let’s give a girl a different game besides being so sexy it’s silly. The only time that’s funny is when Jon Waters does it and there are women writhing around in sexual agony, RIP Haji from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill who died last week, the one who talked like Chico Marx.

The only people who should be allowed to make women who are horny and sexy funny are gay men, because they know that lust is ridiculous when it comes to all of us, men and women. It can be. They don’t see us as objects of desire. They just see us as people they appreciate for reasons that have to do with being human, making another person laugh, or having something interesting to say, which is why I’m only dating gay men. I will say this about dating. If you are a boy listening and you want to ask a girl out, or you like a girl, I mean man and woman. You should ask her out and don’t think it will be creepy because it won’t. I really feel strongly about this. I’m not sure if men know this. If you like someone, if there’s a woman you find attractive and maybe you don’t know what her deal is, maybe you don’t want to do it in person, send her an email. Say, “Hey, would you like to get a drink sometime?” That’s appropriate. That’s positive. That’s wonderful. I encourage that in general.

There was an article in the Huffington Post the other day on how to wear pants. I don’t believe that there are no stupid questions. I believe that there are stupid questions. There are things like; I don’t know how to dress myself. Ok, but it is unacceptable when you become too stubborn to ask for help. I really do believe that if you are unsure about something you should absolutely ask. There’s no shame in learning something that it seems like it would be simply to know but you don’t know. So ask girls out. Don’t wear pleats. Let me know if you have any other questions. I’ll cover that for now. Women, keep doing everything you are doing.

I was also thinking about how men sometimes say I’ll never understand women, they’re so complicated. That’s just a nice way, or not a nice way of saying we’re just smarter than you. I love men. I really do love men. But emotional intelligence, intuition, all of that stuff, we are running a different race. The notion of women being so complicated and confusing, just ask, just ask. Where you get into trouble is the arrogance, where you get into trouble is not having the humility to recognize what you don’t know. There’s no shame in not knowing it. There’s only shame in pretending that you do. And being really stubborn when someone says, don’t wear that shirt, you can’t do that—Hey screw you. No actually do you know about shirts? You don’t? That’s fine.
It has something to do with openness. It has something to do with stubbornness. We’re all stubborn, stubborn comfort should be the name of that drink. Doing what we know how to do feels good or it feels safe. There are certain people who would rather be right than be happy. I have been thinking about this because I know that winning, not in a Charlie Sheen sort of way is a value that we as people…we’re all bags of garbage and we’re all insecure and we don’t know what we’re doing. The sooner we accept that the better off we are.

The idea that we are right about something is very important to us. It’s very important to our egos. Our egos are very important to being powerful in this culture right? It’s a very egocentric culture, all of it. If I were to part with the notion, that maybe I was wrong, maybe my intuition about this person was lousy, maybe I was foolish to have decided something before I got a good look into what he or she actually is or does, it’s hard to admit that. It’s hard to go backwards. When we do then we can change, then we can be happier than we were before. Oftentimes it’s just more comfortable to cling because if you don’t have your own intuition then what do you have? In a perfect world you’ll still have your soul. I am trying to put the soul above the ego it’s not going well.

I will also say that I am in general grappling with the notion of freedom versus being trapped and whether or not it is scarier to be abandoned than it is to be trapped. To me it is scarier to be abandoned and that is something I need to change. Being trapped is, especially with women, I know I am being very vague, I don’t know if women value freedom as much as men do. That’s disconcerting to me. We have slave-based thoughts. As long as we’re kept we’re safe. If you have a domestic animal if you open the door m the pet is like what are you talking about? I’m good here, thank you very much. Really? You’re free! No, I’m good. I wonder sometimes, if women unfortunately are like that. This has to do with me seeing Orthodox women in Williamsburg and thinking they have my genes. They have my eyes, nose, and face. Why haven’t you started a revolution yet? How many revolutions have been led by women? Not enough.

Is it scarier to be abandoned than it is to be trapped? I’m thinking of this in all sort of way, in work, in life, in love, in relationships if you’re trapped with the wrong person versus abandoned by the wrong person. What the worst out of those two? I don’t know, I’m sort of contemplating. I hope that’s ok with you.

I will talk about the male Lavern and Shirley though because I know that you wanted me to go back to Network television and how great and innovative and insightful it is. There are a couple of projects coming done the pike for our ears nose and throat from Hollywood, from LALAwood, Hollyweird. The good people from network television green-lit a Wizard of Oz themed drama. The premise of which completely eludes me, I can’t imagine what that could be. I came into the Billy on the Street offices and said what the hell is going on. Jake Fogelnest pricked up his ears and said, “I don’t know, the Tinman needs a heart, the scarecrow needs a brain, maybe there are some organ donations…Jake, you’re a genius. That’s happening and then there’s also a male Laverne and Shirley. Finally, and also thank god, the male Laverne and Shirley everybody coming to network television, don’t worry there’s a out pilot commitment according to Nicki Fink.

Do you know what else there’s a commitment to? Gary Marshall’s great grand daughter going to Williams. At this point he’s just stock piling tuition for kids he could adopt, him and his teeth. He and his teeth, Gary Marshall’s teeth, that’s going to be the name of my Ska band.
I’m going to start the show because otherwise I might start talking about ambiguous values and ego. I’m no Buddhist. I’m just a girl standing in front of a podcast audience asking them to get her tickets to Pippin because I heard it was very good. My parents went to see it. Andrea Martin wasn’t there Tova Feldshuh stood in and by stood in I mean she was suspended upside down and sang a song. That’s not a typical Wednesday night for Tova Feldshuh. How do you know? Because she told me! No, she didn’t tell me.

I did something with her once on the Hadassah network. What did we talk about? Passover. It was a really great time. I’m really sorry you missed it. It’s coming to the Al Jazeera America. Can you imagine if I pitched the Hadassah table? The Hadassah roundtable discussion to Al Jazeera American. Do you only talk about Passover? Yeah, we only talk about Passover. You don’t talk about different Jewish holiday? Nope, only Passover, all year round.

We have one guest this week, that’s all we need….

Episode 129: "A Hanna-Barbera Cartoon About Carnage"

2014-11-01T02:07:33Z

Amyg: /* Origin of the episode title */

Food or Drink Mentioned on the Show

2014-10-30T10:19:09Z

Amyg:

*See Fruit Ranked & Recipes for more info

Noodelles and cottage cheese chased by Maker's Mark for starters.

Stroopwafels and Cotton Candy

Nutri-grain bars

Cookie Puss Caravel Ice Cream Cake

Turkey

Apple Pie Smoothie

Diet Coke

Candy Crush references-Mike and Ikes, Certs, Mints, Chiclets

Jelly Beans

Cookie Dough and Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream

Bread (aka Lauren Bacall's hair)

Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

2014-10-30T02:29:27Z

Amyg:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
!Episode
!Quote

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"Children aren't interesting until they're gay."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/louis-peitzman-a-handsome-on-your-test-ep-190 190]
|"That is a really expert way to stay hungry, is to have a bowl of Special K in the morning. And I know because I lived through the 80s."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jon-leary 186]
|"I like to go on little adventures in my mind. I call them super staycations Time Out New York if you're listening."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"Rabbis were the original Buzzfeed. They loved listing things."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/natasha-lyonne 181]
|"The only thing more personal than talking about your happiness is telling someone what you ate this week--everything you ate."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/joshua-wolf-shenk 180]
|"None of us can look at Lauren Bacall Hard enough to absorb what she was serving in the 40s. It was pointy and soft at the same time. The sharpness of her nose would give you a paper cut and the softness of her hair would make you hungry for bread."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/david-reese-ep-179 179]
| "One time I coined the phrase, “She has a clit like a cherry tomato.” I never got to use that in any of my comedy skits."

|-
|[[Episode 178: "One of the Few Living People That Has A Ghost" | 178]]
|"My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. Let me repeat that. My osteopath emailed me a link to his first published poem. It was in the Huffington Post and it was very good. And I said, 'You know what? The weather's nice inside this New Yorker cartoon that I suddenly live in.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/nathan-fielder-the-smaller-the-cats-ep-177 177]
| "I will judge anyone who drinks Pims. Pims is gross. Eat a candle. Drink potpourri."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/scott-king-false-chunk-ep-176 176]
| "My attitude, ladies and gentlemen, and I've said this before on this very show is when I have a problem, my solution is to throw cats at it. The more existential the problem, the more unsolvable arguably the problem is, the more cats I throw OR the smaller the cats are I throw, such as kittens. Anyway, I just really think it's a great idea and probably would feel a lot better if I have six or seven kittens."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "The main thing that happened on Monday is that I'm pretty sure Annette Benning came on to me."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| (re: Taylor Swift) "...I feel like she's human Diet Coke."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "''Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy.'' Ugh."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/emily-gould-occasional-benevolence-based-on-their-scratch-parts-ep-174 174]
| "If you put that on my foot, Cinderella or cadaver style, there is no way my foot would not reject that shoe."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/tara-ariano-our-generation's-nessie-ep-170 170]
| "A snake without Alice Copper is like a day without sunshine."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jolie-kerr-pus-town-ep-169 169]
| “There is no place for me in the poem community, I’ve decided. When Patti Smith is up there, reading a poem, I’m in the audience checking my watch, wondering when the internet will be invented (so I can y’know get more candy crush lives or something)…”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/seth-rogen-a-working-heart-ep-165 165]
| "I like that there are never any electric guitar solos on gay pride floats. There's very seldom, like, a man in jean shorts... shredding."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/juliette-danielle-thats-the-twist-ep-164 164]
| "We are so lucky to be alive when RuPaul is alive."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/morgan-murphy-andrew-and-sunshine-ep-155 155]
| "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/dana-gould-ep-152 152]
| (re: Bones) "Now I know what America is up to at night, when I am just peacefully refreshing my twitter mentions over and over again"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "Yoko Ono is delightful and every time somebody over 35 or 40 makes a joke about how Yoko stinks, or Yoko's bad at singing, or Yoko's crazy, or Yoko broke up the Beatles... Every time that happens, a child is born and that child will help to overthrow the baby boomer hubris-fueled patriarchal institution that perpetuates jokes that aren't funny and that just come from false premises SUCH AS 'Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles', SUCH AS 'The Doors were good', SUCH AS 'Eric Clapton seemed like a good guy you'd just want to hang out with and hear his tunes and his stories.' And that's all FIDDLE FADDLE!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/karen-kilgariff-to-talk-to-you-about-rembrandt-ep-151 151]
| "We've been tricked, Jerry."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "The Chateau Marmont is a haunted hovel."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-gems-ep-150 150]
| "I’d rather have a Mormon approaching me with a clipboard and a smile then someone in corporate casual asking me if I want to join some sort of wagering pool."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/sasheer-zamata-ep-147 147]
| "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "We all know we're at the time of the year when a wreath may as well be a noose."

|-
|[[Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll"|146]]
| "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/adam-conover-ep-145 145]
| "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Eraserhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jamala-johns-p-pocket-ep-144 144]
| "Even if I don't know who I am, I like myself"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/steve-young-ep-143 143]
|"I want to hire the following people: Black Panthers, Women’s Libbers, Gay Fundamentalists, and witches in general. I don’t care if you do black or white magic."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/jill-soloway-denny-tedesco-episode-142 142]
| "I tweeted Bill DeBlasio that level 23 of Candy Crush was impossible without buying boosters which I think should be illegal.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/camille-paglia-episode-140 140]
| "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/julianne-moore-ep-138 138]
| "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/chris-elliott-&-jason-woliner-ep-137 137]
|"If the Cowardly Lion were on '''RuPaul’s Drag Race''' so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
|[https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston @_andrewjohnston] tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life." - [https://twitter.com/_andrewjohnston/statuses/386231359947042816]

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tom-ruprecht-walking-ballads-ep-135 135]
| "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
| Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/michael-urie-jonathan-tollins-the-poetry-of-her-tchotchkes-ep-131 131]
|"Gary the Squirrel tipped Spoony and I’m told that Gary is going to tip Spoony again because he likes the idea of Spoony working for him."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/tami-sagher-ep-127 127]
| "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/freedy-johnston-ep-123 123]
| "Those salads caused AIDS."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-97-carrie-brownstein-danielle-henderson 97]
| "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "I keep a clean home!"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-96-exactly-like-a-cornish-hen-starlee-kine-noah-garfinkel 96]
| "By the way, this podcast is just going to be me describing [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_Raoul Eating Raoul]"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/webpage/2012/12/28 95]
| Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-83-p-is-for-pizza-jodi-lennon-jessica-grose 83]
| "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-74-most-of-the-nooks-gabe-liedman-alison-rich 74]
| "I will stave off another four hours until I am alone with my own feelings which I do NOT need." (Re: walking across the Williamsburg Bridge.)

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-30-upstairs-coke-susie-essman-gabe-delahaye 30]
| Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-20-bev-s-bananas-maria-bamford 20]
| "(Smiley Muffin) wanted to do ukulele, I was like 'NO CAT OF MINE is going to go TWEEP TWEEP TWEEP on the plingy-plings!'"

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "...if Hieronymous Bosch had committed it to oils on a canvas, it would be be a showstopper, frankly."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/podcast/ep-19-she-s-a-cold-soup-rob-delaney-michelle-mc-namara 19]
| "(LA friends ask me) 'Oh, do you like it here? Would you move here?' and I say 'Yes, if I had a job!' and then I get deadly serious and I say 'GIVE ME A JOB.' And then I show them my breasts and then I flip over the table."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-18-giant-pictures-of-hamburgers-tom-scharpling 18]
| "Manatees are too good for Florida."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-15-what-s-this-it-s-the-style-ira-glass-anaheed-alani 15]
| "Libsyn... that's gonna be a baby's name in the next ten years."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-11-enter-dancing-sally-kellerman-paul-scheer 11]
| "...why hasn't anyone done a sketch called Murphy Brown's Law? Don't write that sketch."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/ep-10-pico-won-t-know-our-baby-jen-kirkman-andrea-rosen-john-gemberling 10]
| "I can not wrap my head around aughts/eighties yet. I'm not of the generation that thinks it's cute to be like 'Hey everybody, Tony Danza, right?' Fuck you. Come on, give the man some respect."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

|-
|[http://howwasyourweek.libsyn.com/hwyw-ep-2-the-taste-of-christmas-morning-rattlesnakes-robert-zemeckis-s-regrets-jesse-murray-s-fave-nyc-movies-of-the-80s-anthony-atamanuik-on-real-housewives 2]
| "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

|-
|
|"All dogs is good dogs."

|-
|
|"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

|-
|
|"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

|-
|
|"Will network television ever crack men?"

|-
|
|Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

|-
|
|"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

|-
|
|"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

|-
|
|Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

|-
|
|"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

|-
|
|"Where did Nazis find the time?"

|-
|
|"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

|-
|
|"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

|-
|
|"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

|-
|
|"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

|-
|
|Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

|-
|
|"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

|-
|
|"What's Molly?"

|-
|
|"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

|-
|
|"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."

|}